If You Have A Husband

Believe it or not, your husband loves you.

He may not say the words very often. He probably doesn’t think the thought ‘I love my wife’.

However he does love you. For a variety of reasons:

Because of you he is not lonely.

Because of you he has someone to love.

Because of you he is loved.

He is loved for his unique way and despite his defects.

Photo by Ramille Soares on Unsplash

He loves you because loving you keeps him connected to being a man of service, of having an intention every day and a purpose in the big picture. Even though he may lose sight of one or both of those as he engages each stage of life. Being disconnected from you, from a sense of service and purpose impacts the man you love to the marrow. Showing up as being irritable to feeling defeated.

He loves you because you grasp his struggle, how it affects him and how to companion him. You know his struggle is based not in the temporary disorientation he feels but in the knowing that he is authentic and wants to showcase that. Which he does through his confidence, humility and agility. Confidence to show you the man you married, humility before your marriage with an agility to embody the changes it petitions him to make.

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As you know he needs help expressing his love. Obviously as you know – violence, be it in words, physically, any abuse – is not love. We all know that. No excuses.

Your actual husband that you believe in and whose love you yearn for, seeks opportunities to make you happy. Creates experiences that say ‘I love you’ (He might even say it in words:).

So let’s find the man, highlight the gentleman – feel the love.

FF3 – Emotional Accoustics

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Emotional Acoustics

Rodrigo yelled.

‘Hey! Leave me alone.’

Then came the answer. Rodrigo was 8 and yelling into the valley.

Hey leave me alone – the valley copies him.

Don’t copy me!!- Rodrigo yells and turns his back on the valley. He’s a funny, smart 8.

2 long seconds later –

Don’t copy me.

Amazing fealty for an echo. It is Instagram before Instagram: a brief recording of the moment and then it is gone. I guess it’s a combination of the low valley architecture furnished in green with pine trees and sloping hills.

We caught on to what Rodrigo was doing – it gave us a good laugh.

Xavier Van Erlach on Unsplash

The power of our echo is amazing. The impact the rebounding of our words and actions have in the lives of others.

This duration and the degree of the echo are always a product of one’s emotions.

The more invested we are in the other person the greater the duration of the echo. That can work both ways.

Combine that with the intention of the person plus the context and the echo could provide an uplifting harmony or a deafening noise puke.

Why?

We, men and women, are governed by the need of being loved and loving someone else.

How do the results of the Female Frixion rebound off the walls of love of her spouse? It is the acoustics of his sense of value for himself. That value can be anchored in his family, in how he takes care of his tools, his income, what people think of his wife. His value can also be self generated – so that way it is associated with higher connection (in contrast to external value that is dependent upon likeability). His self value in conjunction with his male instinct determine the harmonies he hears between the 3 roles of his wife.

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So when communicating the Female Frixion to her partner she will will feel received, understood and appreciated. Or if the man doesn’t grasp the concept of Female Frixion, the woman eddies in the river of communication, then he will substitute something else as his understanding of her message although it is inaccurate. And that will be the basis of his decision making about her from then on. Commonly labeled: happy wife – happy life. Or it can get adversarial between people and the Female Frixion is cemented as a 3 headed monster that is apparently the source of all marital issues.

Or with self-Love in both people it can be cultivated into

A tricycle of love.

There are no short cuts between you and the truth. Whether that be you and not feeling alone (short cut is to find someone not your wife);

Feeling disconnected with manhood in midlife (short cuts include but not limited to, drugs/alcohol).

Feeling loved and loving. (Short cuts too many to list but they all boil down to abandoning yourself as a man.) You have to do the work.

You can be smart about what you are struggling with. This means elevate your emotional agility to attract perception about how to struggle better, struggle happy, struggle together.

FF4 – Daughters

Female Frixion Series #4

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The teachers knew that her home life was tempestuous. Occasionally no lunch to eat at lunchtime. Waiting outside the school for half an hour or hour every now and again for someone to pick her up.

She was 8. Her instinct told her it was wrong for her dad to smash her mother’s face in. Still she lived through the many years of lots of blood and stitches. At 18 years old she called the cops on her abusing father. He never hit her mother again; Even when he came back to the house to live. The damage was done.

My wife, who was the 8 year old girl with no lunch, is still traumatized. But, refusing to be a victim her proactive nature helps her as a mother raising our girls to know their abilities and responsibilities. They are to be responsible for their own income so they don’t have to put up with any garbage from the father of their children based on financial need. They are responsible for their own emotions. They can cook (clean – not so much). They have shown they can love and be loved. They want to love and be loved. And not just by their mom. They are realizing they have the abilities to start and run their own business.

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We either want our children to replicate one of our childhood experiences when we feel it was an important ingredient in the good person part of us or we want to help them avoid like the plague a negative experience that has kept us from being happier. Happier and just overall better. Because had we been able to avoid that detrimental experience in our formation we might have been able to maintain our natural connection with the true trajectory of our life.

It’s painful for a parent to see when someone or some event deviates their child from their flourishing and self realization. It’s really painful when that someone is the daughter herself because she has low self esteem. Yet it’s more painful when the obstacle to a dynamic daughter is mama herself.

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So a mother will, out of unselfish love, superimpose her Female Frixion onto her daughter thinking the same thing that screwed up her high school years will befall her daughter. This can mean mother’s care doesn’t allow her to listen to what is actually happening in her daughter’s life.

As for the daughter when does she become aware of the feeling of the frixion? She is just learning about the nastiness that life can throw at a woman. Mom knows too well the variety, degree and damage of the nastiness.

The daughter is intensely living the adventure/romance aspect of life. She juggles some career preparation (school) and is being heavily influenced by the mothering vignettes she absorbs.

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Mom is feeling the reality of the Female Frixion and wants her daughter’s life to have better everything: Better romantic life, better career path, a better mother experience than hers. Mom’s intention is sincere but quite difficult to accept by a daughter whose focus is feeling her emotions in the moment. Cue the screaming, insults and slamming bedroom doors followed by 🤬.

It is vital a mother participates in her daughter’s understanding of the Female frixion. It is equally important that it be understood by all (mom, daughter, dad, brother, boyfriend, grandma) that the daughter’s version and expression of the Female Frixion will be unique. Therefore different to mom’s. Likely messy and frightening(for mom). Still equally as valid as mom’s.

Mom and daughter will have different ratios of the 3 roles, different timings of each role flourishing, varying resources to stick handle the friction at work and home.

Maybe the daughter has children. Maybe not. Maybe she gets married. Maybe not. Maybe she runs her own business. Maybe not.

A daughter needs her mother.

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Daughters need to listen to mothers.

Daughters need to hear from their mother about the Female Frixion. What it is, how to deal with it internally and how to communicate it.

Can mothers use their beautiful-potent-mother-love with finesse so their daughter’s development is not the sequel of their mother’s childhood longings and life traumas?

Not easy.

WITBOY4 – High Heals

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Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

I saw a documentary years ago about women boxers.

Some women who go to the gym and learn to punch for self protection.  There are those women who are professional boxers that live and train to fight.

And then there were the women that were the focus of this film. They are mothers and wives who have a full life and a full time job.  And they box. They get into it for personal motivations that are part of their story.

I remember the single mother, let’s call her Suzie, being interviewed as she put her kit in the back of the car. Late 30’s, 2 children, at least 1 ex-husband, very cheerful. And she hits other women. For exercise!

I can imagine that it functions as therapy. So can shopping. And unless it is Black Friday nobody hits anyone.

So the stress release involved in boxing that Suzie feels is quite clear to see. The training required puts her into great shape. The adrenaline and associated hormones of landing a nice right hook help to feed part of her female life. So actually there is a lot of upside. As long as you don’t get knocked out.

Is that it? What else does she get out of it?

Doesn’t her body pay a price? They do have to wear protective head gear etc. Doesn’t it hurt? Yes. And without being sadistic, that’s part of the motivation. Part.

When you get hurt your body takes over the healing process. Without delay or excuses, with precision and efficiency: It is how the human body loves.

Even between rounds the body of a boxer starts to heal.  Healing is miraculous and beautiful. And it feels good.

Suzie wants to feel good. Remember she is cheerful. With all of life’s challenges she has turned out to be a happy, middle-aged single mom (who you don’t want to fight over a parking spot):)

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Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

 

When healing the white blood cells protect a wound from infection. They also produce chemical messengers called growth factors that help repair wounds.

Dopamine helps regulate new blood vessel creation in the healing process of skin wounds. More wounds = more dopamine.  Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that causes you to feel good.

Natural ways to generate dopamine are: exercise, meditation, sleep and certain foods to name a few.  Destructive ways to generate dopamine are: alcohol , drugs and related poor lifestyle habits.

Dopamine can help us heal and also be a factor in cementing a habit.  Whatever that habit might be: Smoking, drinking, boxing or getting hit by your boyfriend.

The hitting part hurts your face and damages your self esteem but the dopamine connects the whole process with getting better.  So some people end up using cocaine to get the dopamine.

Some women don’t leave the violent boyfriend so they can get hit again to get the feel good of healing dopamine.

Here is a crazy idea – that part of the difficulty of women to leave an abusive relationship is because, mixed up with their level of self respect, they kind of want the next fix of a neurotransmitter released in the healing process?

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Photo by Chris Ensey on Unsplash

Healing feels good. As it should – with all the goodies the body is generating. Don’t make healing from violence your source of feel good.

Instead …

Find something that pulls you up into Your Best Ego. Could be dancing, cooking, organizing, being a good mother, forgiving, inviting someone, highlighting someone else’s good trait in a difficult situation or having a connection moment with nature. Your Best Ego is you choosing for yourself how to live. Your Best Ego includes people that bring respect. Your Best Ego is at a level of energy that generates healthy sources of happiness. Your Best Ego seeks value to keep growing.

Be like your body and bring the growth factor; be the growth factor.

High heals.

It is true.

Is it true for you?

10 Things a young man needs to to hear from a man.

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                            Photo by Tuce on Unsplash

10 things a young man needs to to hear from a man.  Always Be growing.  Be curious about how to combine these 10 things to make you a generator of confidence and humility.

  1. You are a vibrant power. This a seed of wisdom that should bother a young man.  To grasp how it applies to him and be able to spot it in others. The trajectory of a man is to emit ability on a growing basis due the compound interest of belief and accomplishment. Many things will try to deviate a man from that trajectory. So what is stronger ? Deviation or belief?
  2. Do the work to be emotionally agile not fragile. This one is so important to teach by example. The work can be analogous to juggling. If you focus on one ball then all of them will fall.  To take it up a level you use your peripheral vision to manage the task at hand.  What is being asked is to be able to have long term vision while still managing the present.
  3. Define strength: mentally, physically, emotionally – as a man, find out what it is for a woman.  What is your formula for strength in each case:  Emotional Strength = _________ +  ____________ Use your strengths to highlight them in others.
  4. Decide what you want the residue of your decision making to be – belief, respect…
  5. Love yourself. This will sound cheesy to a young person because their identity branding takes importance over most things.  Still, this simple yet deep concept has many expressions into our lives.  All of them are springboards for growing.  Starting with your Ego you elevate it to Your Best Ego; Accompanying the Maintenance Soul we develop our participation in the Higher soul. Then there can be talk of the universal spirit…
  6. Always be generating.  Generate your own reason for what you’re doing.  This makes you the author of your own story so you aren’t at the mercy of someone else’s laziness. Be clean.
  7. Connect with nature: breathe/5 senses, rejuvenate, exercise, ground, appreciate, marvel. Make nature your man cave.  Use the peace in the moment and the power of nature to visualize you: healthy, successful, happy, spontaneous, loved, loving, agile (see #2),  …
  8. Frame your journey to make sense of how to manage the competing interests for you attention. Have a way to process what happens to you in various stages of life.  This really helps when dealing with stress to understand what is impacting us so we can take responsibility for it.  This is a proactive measure to rise above violence against women.
  9. Understand how to understand women. If you don’t know how to access your abilities and insist on dwelling in the lower levels of energy you will end up ignoring what she asks you to do. At the maintenance level you can do what she asks you to do. At the perception level you can ask yourself what she would want and do it.
  10. Don’t count the cost.  Be of service.  Find people who don’t count the cost.  Read the books they read.goetz-heinen-1154874-unsplashPhoto by Goetz Heinen on Unsplash

What are you Seeking – What do you Offer?

 

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My dog barks at the other dog.   Strong but not ferocious.

‘Good girl!’  I confirm quietly as I give her a quick pet.

The other dog walker at 6 pm in the park doesn’t really get it.  Actually seems insulted like I thought she was a security risk and needed to be intimidated.   I was merely appreciating my dog following her protective instincts.  I guess I am worth protecting:)

I do admit sometimes she can go overboard.  Many of the dogs in our condo and neighbourhood are harmless.  That is if you don’t take into account that they might not make it to the sidewalk and pee in the hallway from the elevator to the outside door.  Still our Retriever is a fabulous family member and if she is known as a young woman with no fear of speaking her mid then I am totally on board with that!

That can make making friends problematic as other owners won’t want to coordinate play dates out of fear.  Likewise for us two leggers,  making the right friends is crucial.

Choosing a life partner is not easy.

That’s why knowing yourself to some deeper degree goes a long way towards to growing a sense of peace over time. Developing good habits makes life into an experience of proactive adventures (as opposed to reactive drama).  Both of these, self knowledge and good habits, can attract or repel a potential mate.

So too can clarifying what you want.   To be on the path of getting what you want in order to become what you want.

What 3 things do you seek in a relationship and what 3 things do you offer?
A simple tool that is reproducible for several aspects of your life.
‘Wait for, want, need, expect, look for’ are all different manners of approaching life to grow.  Some will yield better results than others.
When you ‘seek’ something it seems you are proactive. It is like pursuing or even hunting. It is more than searching because we can ‘do a quick Google search’ once and come up with nothing in relation to what we are looking for. Or if it is something you really want, you seek it out.
That’s why we are specifically using the word seek.
Seek is partnered with Offer.  Offer because the other person has the option whether they think what you offer is what they seek. Is it the level they want to live at for the reasons they want to make their life decisions?

‘Let your decisions(standards) do the hard work for you’. With Seek and Offer you have a simple tool at hand to help absorb life, extract meaning and move on.
What do you seek: 1. 2. 3. and offer: 1. 2. 3.

The heart seeks the blood the venal system has to offer, discard the CO2, to then marry with oxygen and immediately turn around and offer the red arterial blood that the body seeks. We are just like the heart, this processor that learns what to seek and offer how, when, why.

In your relationships
seek – don’t settle; seek something else or someone else or the same thing a different way or with different people or in a different place
offer – what makes you happy to offer in a way that makes the receiver happy to receive.
Seek someone who wants to be loved and offers you love
Offer someone who wants to love and be loved
Seek to grow
Offer them the person that they will love 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now.

In your professional life
seek – recognition, teamwork, challenge
offer – feedback, support, creativity

In your partner life
seek – their best, what they mean, them in the stress
offer – my best, me in the moment, a future

in your community(friends, family, neighbourhood) life
seek – friendship, companionship, laughter
offer – help, service, difference

In yourself:
seek/offer: the answer to one’s complaints
seek/offer the willingness to be loved and the generosity to love
seek/offer humanity/humility

soul life:
seek – meaning, peace, connection
offer – sincerity, continuance, responsibility

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Photo by Bence Balla-Schottner on Unsplash