What self respecting man is going to say he needs help to be a man?
Men possess emotional power but often lack the emotional agility ‘in the moment’. Power plus agility = finesse. McNamara shines light on the path for a man to grow. Satisfaction offers deep insights and positive actions for a man to clarify what he wants to become. For example The Female Frixion and The Male Stack are crucial keys to unlock the similarity of our differences.Drawing on the lives of actor Zac Efron, olympian Silken Laumann, humanitarian Terry Fox the author highlights the intricacies of development amidst the challenges of making a living. If you have a sense your life has a trajectory but want to clarify it and elevate it: read this book. This is a handbook for men who believe that a man is born with the resources to stickhandle the issues of his manlife.
This book is for tough guys. Like me. Like you. Tough nuts to crack. When we aren’t as good as we want to be at our own emotional display we can get frustrated. Frustration is rarely associated with satisfaction.
The spark of this writing is the belief that a man who is creative in achieving his satisfaction, able to share the successes and let downs of pursuing what he wants, will use his stressful challenges to grow. Life has shown us that when one of us is frustrated in the moment, stressed by life, wayward in his manlife, he can easily lash out. He can be hurtful with insults and beatings.
The purpose of the book is to be a spur for men to access their emotional agility as they strive to get what they want.
A man who knows himself at daily and higher levels will appreciate what he is becoming despite his shortcomings. He will have a sense that there is more to the definition of a man than can be found on the internet.
A constant theme of this book is that we are indeed on a development journey during our whole life. That journey for a man differs from the journey of a woman. Whether or not male and female journeys have converging priorities, understandings or emotions we all want to enlist each man to ‘be his own man’ in the moment.
When a woman wants something different from her man, or wants more from her husband or wants better from her boyfriend it is a good news story. It locates the man in what she seeks. It’s not a strike against you that, as a man, you cannot immediately figure out what she wants. Perhaps it provides her a sense of being valued by knowing she can look to you for man services. So, what kind of man services do you offer? Sexual services, fixing flat tire services, humour, tenderness, encouragement services, mortgage payment services, opening jam jars services, packing the car, parking the car, washing the car, barbecuing …
A man is a good thing. Anyone who feels differently does not have the full story. Or as is often the case, has had more bad man experiences than good. Those damaging experiences are often the result of his lack of belief in himself . This poverty of self-belief contorts the love of those that believe in him as a man. When we can rise above the tyranny of our energy sucking ego we ascend into new thoughts, fresh intentions, rejuvenating conversation … This elevation into realms of value, success and connection makes your man feel like the MVP.
The underlying concept that powers this book is that men have the emotional finesse enabling them to instinctually respond to the Daily challenges and Devotional callings of life.
There are many men in the various communities you participate in that don’t subscribe to the dogma of sexism. They go along with insulting jokes and remarks because they don’t have something stronger they believe in. Or they fear for their job and crave respect as a man’s man. They most likely believe in women; in a deep and beautiful way. However most men don’t get the education they want to become a man of self-respect, love and belief.
There is a lack of readily accessible guidance for men to become the reliable husband that is also the spontaneous guy who is also the nurturing man. There is a paucity of seed pods for him to cultivate the male version of instinct.
Each day all men search for the missing pieces in the life puzzle of career, love and meaning. At the risk of alienating himself from the lowest common denominator of macho manhood there are those that insist on being ambitious, clean and versatile. It takes balls to be a man that resists the mafia of moronic male behaviour.
The guy who strives beyond the poor understanding of women and lack of self knowledge as a man needs your support. Most likely he is energized by sincere love yet doubts his version of a man authentic. He is juggling his professional ambition, the questions for his higher self and his residual anger of youth. He wants to bundle them into a brave vision of him as a man, spouse and gentleman.
This book highlights that we are all capable of and responsible for our own Satisfaction in the ongoing stages of life, evolving relationships and variety of experiences.
Did you see the 2007 movie Ocean’s 13? It’s the third movie in the Ocean’s series of a modern band of thieves. The sudden news of one of their own falling ill from shock of a business deal gone bad id bringing them all together again. About ten minutes into the movie George Clooney as ‘Daniel Ocean’ and Brad Pitt as ‘Rusty’ are just getting off their private jet.
‘It’s not their fight’ Linus, played by Matt Damon had just asked Ocean where Tess and Isabelle were. A seemingly harmless question as they walk across the tarmac. Tess (Julia Roberts) is Ocean’s wife; Isabelle (Catherine Zeta Jones) is the love of Rusty’s life.
Since Linus wants a bit more info he turns to Rusty and asks a little louder above the jet engines. ‘Where are Tess and Isabelle?’
Out of nowhere Ocean explodes on his colleague Linus and repeats with an anvil of force closing the issue, ‘It’s not their fight’.
Ocean is right. A man takes responsibility for his struggle. He doesn’t make it hers. Men are experts at the quiet struggle. Like the earth is coursing with ley lines and the body is strung with energy meridians, men are marionettes to the undercurrents of genuine emotion. The task at hand is to make this struggle less solitary, these emotions more accessible.
For that reason it is to be aware when you need help with your response. Ask for help, accept help. Appreciate the help and love the helper. But never make them responsible for your fight. Your fight is to evolve into you. Become the version of a man that is becoming of you.
Some men who are jacked up: cocky, confident, full of their preconceived idea of their importance to the moment. There are those guys who are understanding, laid back and funny. Of course we all know those guys that are lost, lack confidence and have more things they dread than they look forward to as a man. How could they ‘man up’ in a difficult situation. They don’t have the education, training, or reference to find their mojo.
The degree to which many a man is lost and alienated from a development journey as a soul bearing gentleman can feel bigger than huge, and deeper than bottomless.
The lost man can’t seem to get traction on his passion and skills. That’s part of why it can appear to his wife, a man doesn’t want to be a part of the solution to a withering marriage. His relationship is complicated by him not knowing how to shine his light on the path of their marriage.
One of the core messages this book carries is that men are a creative force, wildly willing to be a part of something good. And they are sincere. Sincerely in need of help to understand themselves, women and relationships.
Move the words out of your heart – say anything man. Be funny, dumb, endearing, stilted, embarrassing, true and simple. If they stay in your heart they will block your arteries and give you a heart attack.
Say how you feel. Because you want to understand and be understood. Understand what causes you to feel inspired or lost, confident or frustrated. And be understood as you go through the process of using these words to grow.
Find your words for love and vulnerability, of vision and belief.
Practice the words for sorry and appreciation, worry and forgiveness.
Repeat the words that elevate you and are a catalyst for other men.
Move the words out of your heart and into the world so we can all hear and learn:
#TheMosaic#WeAreAllConnected#NothingIsAsItSeems#TheMosaicPodcast #TheMosaicOnline #TheArchitect #TheBlueprints HaveChanged #ConversationsWithStrangers I HAD A CONVERSATION YESTERDAY with a guy who started crying and crying. i held the space for him to cry and he cried for over 10 minutes, just feeling safe in the space to let his tears come out. when his tears stopped, i asked if he wanted…
In 1980 Terry Fox ran a marathon a day on one leg as he made his way across half of Canada. In 143 days he did his one legged ‘hop of hope’ for 5,373 km. Terry was an athlete and he didn’t like being told by a disease how to ‘run’ his life. Terry used his athletic creativity to engage life according to his new reality. He used his mental focus to inspire a country. He found his purpose was to raise funds for cancer research. The Terry Fox Run takes place every September and continues to raise funds for research and awareness about realities of cancer. Awesome!
The Science of Satisfaction. Neurotransmitters generate dopamine and serotonin. This is the ‘what’ of Satisfaction.
The ‘how’ of Satisfaction is the colourful part. How you get your Satisfaction. Doing extra studying for the exam, researching multiple options for your market analysis report.
Our Purpose is the ‘why’ of our how.
So – find out why. That means to ask questions that reveal the inner core.
Ask questions that generate perception or connect to wisdom or germinate seeds of appreciation that grow towards the light of their Purpose.
Judging their ‘why’ without asking questions will not surprise you, help them or improve how you learn.
Questions that promote your willingness to learn, your humility and mental alacrity, your interest in their success and desire to nick some of their best techniques. For example:
‘So, if I want to integrate what you are saying into my life on a regular basis, what is the first step?’
‘From your experience, what is it that people used to get past their first big obstacle?’
‘I have no idea what that means to you: why is it important to you (as a woman)?’
The purpose of the couple next to you in the movie line-up, the guy selling you the popcorn – his manager – the manager’s dad – the manager’s dad’s dentist – the dentist’s dog’s veterinarian are all permeated from our cells outward with the same human stamp: To love and Be Loved. A sincere need and want to be the receiver of someone else’s need to love and to, in return, have the opportunity, perhaps the honour, to love them back. Granted after 19 years of marriage and many thoughts of divorce and one conversation about it there may be some difficulty in finding the honour part of loving your wife and continuing to love her. In fact you may be surprised she still loves you. You know she does but you don’t know in what way. Why does my wife love me now, still, in the first place?
The Urge to Love and be Loved is, in truth, not a sexual urge. The sexual urge exists and it is wise to know it’s not incumbent in love. Sex is not bad. Nor is power or guns or money. It’s what we as a group do with them.
The Urge to Love and Be Loved is the push in us to create community. A community of 2 (a couple/marriage), a community of 3 (family), a community of 6 is a hockey team, a community of 5 is you and four friends on Thursday poker night, a community of sixteen is the local choir. There is the dog walking community, the community of coders, watercolour painters, hackers, bio-hackers, cousins, baseball card collectors, Game of Thrones fans… Many of those communities are now online in Facebook groups so without ever meeting you still feel a sense of community.
Let’s Remember You are a member in full standing, regardless of your history, in the global group of people who, whether they admit it or not, want to love and be loved.
It is a soul community; if you have a soul you are welcome in this community. This simple yet powerful urge can do a lot of the work for you when it comes to finding a partner, making a sale, saying sorry to your wife. A man naturally wants to be of service to his community.
This sense of service can get usurped by fear based decision making. FOMO – fear of missing out. Of not appreciating the community you are in or not doing the work to find your community. FOMO is thinking that there is an opportunity for loving and being loved that is happening and we are missing it. And the people who participate will feel more loved and feel more loving and have stronger bonds of love as a result. They will likely use different language that makes them look cool and autonomous but that is what is happening. Avoid FOMO. Participating in FOMO means you don’t love what you are doing, who you are with and the person that molds you into. It means you’re not responsible for your own emotions. It can mean you can hit somebody because you can insist on being immature and blame the person you just hit because they believed in you as a man.
There is no denying we all need the help and wisdom of other people en route to our Satisfaction. The question is who has the reins of the definition of your Satisfaction? Who is in charge of the resultant decision making to make our Satisfaction a reality?
Mind Sprouts – Satisfaction is a mosaic of efforts, help, failure, belief, ideas, visions, synthesis.
Each of us has our unique version of the Immortal Human Qualities that we use to extract Satisfaction in daily life. We want meaning. We need significance. We thrive on purpose.
Injecting human qualities into daily life is a giving action to others but like those points cards at the supermarket – even when you give out you get something in return.
Immortal Human Qualities include but are not limited to: listening, warmth, patience, finding the positive, finding the possible, _________________, ___________________, …
Whereas – Judging others with our assumptions is making them into something they aren’t. It is manufacturing a fake. A fake is a lie. A lie blocks out the light. Purpose brings light. Purpose liberates your natural abilities of resourcefulness. Purpose is the mother of all Satisfaction.
Ambition to succeed is not curtailed by the sense of Satisfaction. It is the opposite. The more Satisfaction you experience the more you know what you want and how to get it. Satisfaction is not settling for something lesser. Unless you have no purpose. Purpose urges you to make decisions, haunts you to take action, petitions you to ask for help, encourages you to share, directs your energy, focuses your thoughts, causes you to envision something new and different and bright.
Like Terry Fox crossing Canada men cross the mid life period of their life. Canada is vast, beautiful, rugged and it would take a lot of energy and drive to run across it day after day. Terry must have questioned what he was doing and wondered how to keep going on that long, long road. Likewise men need drive to push through this middle age. This time in life might seem to others innocuous from the outside because you see he (husband, son, father, brother, friend) has his work, family, friends, hobbies. At the same time there is an undercurrent of power that is prompting him, urging him, nagging him, calling him. Like the nature of the land of Canada is vibrant and clean so too there is a power that accompanies men. It’s vibrant. It’s natural. It’s potent. When a man is able to direct this vibrancy like Terry focused his energy, he gets success and peace and perception.
When this man power seems to slip through his fingers he gets frustrated and impatient, depressed or angry. Men need companionship that knows how to comfort and challenge them at the right time. Men need understanding from outside and from within. Men need to understand living through a feeling of vulnerable, weird and not knowing does not mean he is weak or bad or not masculine. It means he is alive confronting life and synthesizing it like no one else can with his insight and sense of humour, using his emotional agility and his care.
This man experience can feel like an endless, difficult journey to traverse from 40 to 60 years old for: a man with little direction; a man who lacks a guide; a guy who hasn’t learned how to elevate his life into the devotional realms that can bring him peace, perception and direction.
But, We will not be victims! We have the resources we need. To cross the wide spaces in order to make connection. To elevate from our daily emotion into our Devotional self, even for just a bit, to dwell in our sense of purpose. And then apply it back into daily life to improve ourselves and the life around us.
At any point or level, purpose can become unclear, remain elusive or get lost in the details. So instead of waiting for someone to impose their Satisfaction, or for us to ride on the coattails of their epiphany of life purpose, we can go and get it for ourselves.
Ask – What gives you Satisfaction? Your Answer …..
What do you need to get what you want? What do you need to provide a Satisfied husband to your wife?
Your purpose is full of satisfactions. Some are fast – like cooking a meal at home. Some Satisfactions are slow – like growing a business. And some Satisfactions are incredible – like having a family.
The 5P Process is a reliable, self orienting method for developing your purpose to be multi-dimensional. One dimension is that your pursuit of your purpose accomplishes many things with one action. For example by repeatedly looking for ways to get better at your communication you share lots of energy and interesting ideas with others. Thus making possible clear connection with others; inclusion of others; understanding.
Simply the 5P are: The Point; The Practice; The Principle; Your Passion; What do you make Possible.
The Point – What do you want? Be Specific
The Practice – What are you going to do about it? Keep it simple.
The Principle – What The Practice upholds.
Your Passion – The Power that Transforms your emotion from Daily to Devotional.
What Do You Make Possible? – What do your decisions, actions, beliefs and emotions create.
In the chapter on Habits, Routines and Rituals we saw how champion chess player Bobby Fischer was able to rise above his own, widely known and expected, opening Routine in order to win. He made the moment more important than the past. Instead of the assumption he would start with 1e4, he opened 1c4. For me a no chess layer the change is minimal but in the chess world of the moment it was brilliant mayhem. 1e4 means moving your pawn that is in front of your queen 2 spaces forward. 1c4 is moving your pawn in front of your bishop 2 spaces forward. In the intense public spotlight and with years of the same opening move of he was still able to think for himself. He was in service to a higher master: world champion status.
And this is the challenge. In the moment of battle, be it world chess championship or an argument in your marriage or a strategic decision at work, can you address the adversarial with spontaneity. Is there a higher level of meaning or connection that you seek? This search for the way forward will lubricate your options at operational levels. Like when you give in and just agree with your wife when things get heated just to avoid a yelling match. You go beyond you …
Be Self Transcendental… It is mystical sounding terminology. Mysterious allusions to sessions wafting with incense and ensconced in chanting. What it boils down to is you getting over yourself. Getting over your low emotions about what is happening to you. Getting over your reaction to the Life Stage you are experiencing. Getting over your lack of foresight and your lack of discipline or spontaneity and self belief.
Transcending your historyallows you to be persuaded by your instinct, so the moment flows through you, the light radiates out from you.
The world doesn’t need your version of the hero/victim emotional pendulum. Meaning that you think your ideas are awesome yet you still feel you are still under appreciated and hard done by life. As a result you are going to usurp your conversations at work etc. as your therapy. So that when you are finished talking you feel better. Even though it can be made sense of it is not fair to conversation. Or the other person.
The nature of conversation is therapeutic. It is the back and forth aspect of people emptying out that massages their existing and exiting feelings and ideas so they can bring in new ones. It is the give and take of talk and listen, of confirm and refine. It’s refusing to be brought down by a person or topic while resisting judging others for where they are in the moment. If we realize how to benefit from it, conversation offers transcendence.
How do you transcend the darkness and step toward the light – by yourself and for yourself? How do you use your past and not be used by it? How do you rise above your fear, your stress, your limits, your anger and assumptions?
Awesome transcendence options include:
Seeking a connection with nature
Offering others a person on a development journey
Updating your Beliefs
Highlighting Your Best Ego
Being responsible for your High and Low Emotions
Mind Sprout: Transcending yesterday’s Satisfaction to get a new, different Satisfaction does not make yesterday dumb or waste of time. That is how growth works. Who knows exactly why you had to be the way you were yesterday.
Change is not the focus. That’s doing things the hard way. . That’s the style of military basic training. Where they break down the new recruits as a means to build them back up again according to military objectives. This way those young men think they owe the military inhuman loyalty for making them a man; for providing them some sense of belonging and a purpose. Well. Those military psychologists are on the mark that the vitality generating exercises recruits perform accompanied by the camaraderie are crucial components of a healthy person. The military, ISIS among others, are abundantly aware that a young man craves direction like a heroin addict scrounging for their next high.
Juxtapose the previous with the following
Improve the connection with what is possible as opposed to breaking what made us impossible. What is possible? Us the intuitive, us the provocative and proactive, us the inspired, the spontaneous.
1. You have ways, many ways to elevate into the person you want to be; the person your soul knows you to be.
2. In a moment of reflection … imagine … there you are, on the balcony, cupping, smelling your hot coffee, as the morning is in the throes of dawn. You feel that you have the embers of vitality, animated with your breath to fuel the flames of curiosity. You radiate the magnetism of belonging so others are intrigued by you. Your sense of direction nurtures others much like the forest canopy provides cover to the new growth in the forest floor.
Challengein Nature: Walk slow. Walk differently. Our gait gets set when we are young. It is amazing how difficult it can be to be conscious of our gait and walk differently than we normally do. Go to the park or back yard and if possible take your shoes off – check for dog poo first!:) Nature will join you on your little barefoot journey. Walk slow, walk differently. Try to walk a bit more on your toes, or roll your feet a bit more. Give it time today, or another day. The work is to be aware of you being different while actually remaining loyal to who you are. Sounds weird. So get out there!
Take the time and know it is valid to find or create your ways to elevate into the you of now, the you of vigour, vision and vitality.
UPDATE YOUR BELIEFS
It’s ok if you don’t really know what you are doing. It’s ok if you do. It’s ok if you know what you stand for. What do you stand for? You stand for something you understand. You stand for a principle you uphold. You stand for your marriage being real, alive, supportive of the man’s journey into the unknown.
Share a bit of your vulnerability about you morphing over time into a different, newer you. To share your desire to grow. To transcend your education, your era, your ancestors.
Transcendental Meditation (TM) emerged out of India coming to the west in the 60’s. TM is a technique for avoiding distracting thoughts and promoting a state of relaxed awareness. The late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi derived TM from the ancient Vedic tradition of India. He brought the technique to the U.S. in the 1960s.
One way to think about TM was that it took out the poses out of yoga and left you with breathing and mental imaging.
Breathing can aid you in transcending the many stresses of life. Mental imaging is activated to focus your energy on the growing side of stress. From the positive side of stress declare your beliefs. The debilitating side of stress we probably all know well.
Satisfaction is related to and impacted by stress, change, challenge, failure, growth, different, new, dread, negativity, unknown, lies, poor eldership by ancestors. This range of stress will highlight both your strengths and weaknesses that naturally are revealed by each Life Stage.
One of the messages of Jesus could be categorized as ‘be transcendental about yourself’.
In other words; Get over yourself.
Instead of the tyranny of your feelings, make something else the first consideration in the process of understanding. That ‘something else’ is what you stand for.
Get over what your Ego is screaming at you and strain to hear the nuances of Your Best Ego.
Your Ego is like industrial farming – based on numbers and not vitamins, succumbing to shareholders and not natural planetary processes, satisfying the fertilizer salesperson and not your instinct.
Your Best Ego is like organic farming – that can let land fallow because it is not addicted to now/profits/expansion but rather on a journey of learning and growing. There is variety and companion planting.
Self Transcendental is catching up with your Life Trajectory. Your Life Trajectory is inclusive of Your Best Ego and understanding of the Male Stack and Female Frixion. Low emotional baggage is filtered out. Your low emotional baggage will accompany you at the expense of learning and growing and sharing. That’s a hefty baggage fee.
Humility = Humanity = Humility
Self Transcendental is in the moment. A moment shared with inner and outer lives:
Inner lives of Peace, Satisfaction, Belief, Connection, Vision.
Outer Lives of accomplishment, belonging, service, happiness, challenge, growth.
Transcendence is a bridge. A bridging.
It relieves us of our downward facing habits like: judgement, grudges, comparison, negativity, excuses, jealousy, ______________, _____________.
These misdirected habits, like judgement, are Minimizing Marauders. They minimize you. Minimize your abilities. Minimizes the female instinct. Minimize the opportunity that offers itself in the moment. They reduce the value of your willingness to love and be loved. They suction out your Belief in Marriage. They make you good at being mentally critical of your wife for being a woman. They are nasty.
Picture that in your unconscious urge to transcend these Minimizing agents of nastiness fall like coins from your pocket. As you cross the bridge of transcendence into the New You these coins fall from your grasp. They tumble through the wood planks of the swinging suspension bridge. You can either grab the railing for stability and stay standing as the coins fall into the deep, narrow, cold river with a minute splash – gone – as you move forward feeling the wisps of clean mist rising from below. Or you can try and grasp those falling coins (agents of nastiness) prostrating to money on the planks of the bridge clutching a few coins, not having taken the step to step into today.
Your activated Vision is vital so you can see in your mind what you want to become. That’s why your Updated Beliefs are beautiful fuel so you can feel in your blood the man you are in the moment. Transcend the excuses and ridicule, the mistakes and regret. Your Satisfaction Skills are so much stronger than immature ridicule . Satisfaction Skills include: getting stuff done, knowing how to delegate, being an awesome teacher, _______________________, ______________________, __________________.
Transcendence causes change. Change can make us feel vulnerable. Change can be mislabeled and vilified by Ego based fear subscribing leeches. Don’t listen to them. Transcendence is a process to the New You. The New You will be received, loved and accepted just like the old you was received. The thing is the old you had a best-before-date of yesterday and the New You has a best-before-date of tomorrow. It’s a constant flow that uses your Inner Lives … to be you in the moment. The moment will renew and so will you. The New You emits constancy of Peace, Belief, Connection, Vision and Satisfaction.
Gravitate to the love. To let go of the old. Your former you doesn’t give you as good results as the new, as the now. In comparison the old you is stale, inflexible, brittle, musty and rusty. The task at hand is to harvest the residue of human qualities from your past experiences that now reside in your inner Life. Your past is valid and necessary as part of your foundation for growth of your version of a man.
Why? To offer to your spouse the real you, you of the moment with all your constant qualities and a history of success [???]
How? Breathe, smile, straighten your posture, laugh, share. Understand that we do things because of the power of the Life Stage we are living working through our Ego working towards My Best Ego.
Count in – 1,2,3 (deeper breath) …….4..5..6 (breathe into your pelvis) …….7…8…9…… Let the old yield to history and the new reveal you.
The thing is the more we focus on the need to forgive, the process of forgiveness, what we need to forgive in ourselves and others we are submerging ourselves in yesterday. Making the past the focus. We are walking backwards while trying to get on the bus to the future. That can make a lot of unnecessary work for others. Others need to know that they are forgiven or we forgive ourselves without reliving the whole incident. It’s painful to poke old scars and opens healed wounds. A more fruitful focus is what we learned about ourselves, others, doing stupid things and how life stages can make something seem vital to us in the moment. Exhibit that you have learned by what you do. Let them hear it in your decision making. Let them see it in your eyes when you ask a question then shut up to listen.
Elevate. Find a reason for what you do. Adhere to that reason. A reason higher, greater than you reveals another aspect of you that is beautifully simple while being enigmatically you. A powerful reason is to be immortal. It was born before you and continues after you are gone. Over the first 18-20 years of life we are being repeatedly handed the baton of self-responsibility. The beliefs and values of those who nurtured us often become ours through osmosis. Updating them makes them yours. And that actually makes our parents so proud, when we take the family baton from them and do better than they did in their day. We carry their admirable qualities of humility, companionship, support, agility, constancy as our inheritance. At the same time we elevate above their downward facing habits, failures and arrogance before their instinct. Elevate above the Ego of the moment letting yourself be pulled up into perception by your reason for action and your desire to see it made real. This power fuels your service.
Service takes so many forms and expressions. We all know what it means because we have been put into a situation of service having raised children, helped siblings and cared for aging parents.
Parenting is a service industry that we signed up for with no pay but lots of incredibly rewarding moments, feedback, suggestions, arguments, disappointments, complaints and challenges to the ego that are answered with growth. Being a spouse is the same.
None of these service roles include violence. They do include communicating to generate understanding. That’s what this book is about – creating your own avenues of communication, expression, stress relief and Satisfaction. It’s about the you that is emotionally agile enough to offer your spouse support for her Fulfillment without the threat, hint or image of violence: sexual, physical, emotional, psychological using money, guilt or force.
We need to find something in the marriage or realize something about our wife to be of service to. For many reasons. Help others who need help. Service offers our qualities towards making things better. We get Satisfaction of being valued. At the end of the day we are not wanting for Satisfaction and so offer our wife a man that is: peaceful, cooperative and warm.
Service can be: coaching, volunteering to talk with elders or pick up windswept coffee cups in the park or accompany a blind person or cook at a homeless shelter.
Let’s say perception is you thinking outside the box ( the box that men put themselves in); You tapping The New You on the shoulder and asking for advice. It is almost for certain that your life is framed by societal understanding of you as a man. However the misunderstanding of the abilities of a man, especially in relation to a woman, is rampant. This vacuum of value for a man’s nature is not limited to any culture or race or socio-econimic class. We all underestimate the man that you are. It is the man that you have become that won’t let us talk to the real you – the New You. The New You loves perception. The man you actually are responds to the human instinct.
How do we meet this fabulous guy? This perceptive, instinctual dude? How will I recognize him if he is new …?
This seems to be a major reason for using psychedelics. Get past the conscious brain so your creativity creek can tribute into the flow of the river of innovation. Psychedelics, nowadays being used in micro-doses can do the heavy lifting of leapfrogging our mental pathways, negative or creative, to perception, to germinate innovation, enlightenment, possibly forgiveness.
There is a resurgence of psychedelics in behavioural research and bio-hacking.
Some famous and effective bio-hacking personalities are Tim Ferris https://tim.blog, Dave Asprey the Bulltetproof coffee guy https://blog.daveasprey.com/about-dave-asprey/. They are excellent sources of information as a result of using their bodies as guinea pigs, their minds as test tubes, their lives as laboratories. Doing whatever it takes; eating, climbing, swimming, fasting to increase the yield of your body and brain. The guys who do this are bright and brave and I am not going to follow their path.
I would say we are in constant reception of soul micro dosing.
David Bryce Yaden PhD. John Hopkins University is doing great research into what might be termed ‘soul hacking’. That would be another way of talking about the personal religious quest. A study of the Devotional and the daily life in cultures. The book is for academics but the search is for all of us.
If we eschew psychedelics there is a buffet of drugs on the market be that coffee, alcohol, delusion, love, work, money, success, sex and more. It is likely that most if not all the things on this list of activities are not as effective to deliver perception. Perception in this case being about The New You. Who is this New You?! New Me?!
This is a guy that already exists. It is a guy that makes you look good, look smart, on the ball. This guy is fast! Fast at knowing how to join in or to go it alone.
He has the sensitivity to get Satisfaction and let Fulfillment happen.
He uses the past and isn’t used by it.
He isn’t scared of the moment because he has no need to control it. The moment is free and so is he. Free to accept a compliment. Free to stop, smile and tell his wife she smells great.
Willing to see he has changed as he is processed through the succession of life stages. Realizing that his spouse will be similarly changed and it is his task to update himself with her growth. Admire her belief in moving the marriage forward that requires the best of you.
Leverage the future of the New You in negotiation with the Old You.
This is an excerpt of a short book in progress about Satisfaction. It has been in the works for some time but it can be considered a Son of quarantine:).
Satisfaction in the short and long term has many sources and benefits. What is being highlighted here is that we are all capable of and responsible for our own Satisfaction in the ongoing stages of life, evolving relationships and variety of experiences.
I had some interesting and challenging jobs during the school year at university. I went to a small college so the students could work as Campus Police part time. Nowadays you see those bigger schools where they have ex-military patrolling the grounds looking for someone to beat on. I would stay up all night and do my rounds checking doors telling my friends to be quiet and then ask them to please take me seriously as a Campus Police. I would climb stairs and then write in the log book that I told rabble rousers to pipe down and that I had climbed stairs. I am a great sleeper so I would catch a few winks sitting in the Campus Police office around 4 or 5 am and finish my shift at 7 am. Good gig for a little spending money.
When I lived off campus I took a job where I functioned as the part-time eyes for an old, blind man. I saw his ad at the student employment centre in February and got started on a weekly basis. If he didn’t need me the following Sunday he would then just call every so often I would bike over to a house that he owned but no one lived in that I could tell. I doubt he lived upstairs because the smell each time I came in was of the cold, undisturbed air of night. Not air that carried the baggage of habits of watching television in the front room or routines of cooking. The old house was in a great neighbourhood with lots of trees and sizable yards. His place was full of building materials like 2 x 4s, flooring and doors.
The place was to be fixed up. Maybe if his sight came back. Maybe by a son who didn’t have the time or desire. He knew where everything was and how many there were. In the musty basement he would direct
“Do you see those 2 x 4’s piled in the corner? Grab them and move them to the main room upstairs and pile them along the wall. When we get there I will tell you where I want them.” I did exactly what he asked and did not question his requests or logistical specifications. The old man would hesitate when I would say – ‘Ok that’s done. What’s next?’ He knew what he wanted but had to rely on me to make it happen. Kind of like I was his experimental robot in early Artificial Intelligence.
I always arrived on time but he always seemed to be waiting. It’s not that I was late. Perhaps it was that he was dependent upon me and my young vision that made him impatient. Because he really didn’t want to need me. He was old but pretty mobile. It was usually early afternoon when we finished up. As I put on my jacket he would say thanks, ask again to confirm some detail of the work I had done, and count out my pay in blue, five dollar bills. I don’t think he liked paying me to compensate for his blindness but considering the situation I think he liked being the one in control of this interaction. He knew all his bills were five dollars each. He knew how many he had, in which pocket. He would check his tactile watch to calculate the time and then separate out each of the bills one at a time. The bills were in front of him but he would turn his head to the side and up a bit as he counted. He would put the remaining blue bills back in the same pocket. Count out my pay, ask me to confirm it was correct and send me on my way.
Satisfaction is a life companion. Sometimes we can feel no distance between our need for Satisfaction and daily life. At other times, stages in life, we can be grasping at it like it was a feather blowing in the wind.
If you don’t know what you want, you will probably get what you don’t want. Which means you get what someone else wants. That someone else can be a colleague, neighbour, sibling, parent, boss, client, religious mentor, YouTube star, salesperson, waiter, child or spouse. That someone may have altruistic reasons for including your efforts in getting what they want out of life. Or they may be using you much like they use a hairdryer or lawnmower. Unappreciative of how you work and angry when you don’t (because they didn’t take care of you).
Whether your experiences of supporting someone else’s goals are fun or repulsive you can apply the learning points inward and find a few ways of injecting your daily life with direction. Directing your thinking towards growing your success of getting what you want.
Growing my success gives me a sense of satisfaction. Satisfaction is universal in its need and uniquely individual in its expressions. Our bodies function on satisfaction. The Ego needs satisfaction. We want satisfaction. The soul generates Satisfaction.
We are responsible for our Personal Satisfaction. Our spouse is not. When life throws us a curveball we can’t take it out on our relationships (marriage, children, parents). When life shows us we didn’t prepare enough for life challenges of making money, dealing with people or staying healthy it is wrong to make our spouse pay for it because we have reached our limit for stress. We are responsible for our emotions.
Yes your wife is asking (nagging) about what you had for lunch because she is worried about your weight so you don’t have a heart attack like your dad and then can’t work to support your family. She doesn’t make you angry. It is managing emotions that gets us into trouble.
Maybe what you already do gives you satisfaction. Sometimes it is to find simple satisfactions. There is value in simple that can easily be overlooked when we feel we have a lot of stress and responsibility and not much wiggle room to come through with results. As cheesy as it sounds it is useful to realize we are showing resilience by putting up with a bad manager at work; we are providing constancy by still driving that 11 year old smelly car; we are following through on commitments by keeping a roof over everyone’s head.
We all want more money. Driving a sporty new car with that new car smell can relieve deliver some Satisfaction in the competition of making money. If it makes life easier then do the work to make the money to buy the car. In the meantime find the satisfaction in the moment to share with your family while inside you know you want more. You want better. That’s your challenge. Welcome to it. Share the challenge. Share the stress of the challenge. Just don’t hit, insult, threaten or withhold from your loved ones when you share. You love your family and are loved by your family. In daily life it isn’t too easy to feel the love with all the arguments and emotions and misunderstandings.
And when you get to your limit what do you do? Does your spouse know what you are going to do? What do you want to do when you get to your limit today or tomorrow of your patience or understanding, or feeling of being appreciated, or get to your limit of knowing how to express your love in trying economic times.
Those are your limits. Maybe not your spouse’s limits. Maybe not your children’s limits. Maybe those limits were put there a long time ago. By a small boy who needed guidance to grow into a young man. Or a young man who had trouble finding his confidence. Now those limits are being faithfully adhered to by a middle aged man who is being nudged by some weird feeling in this stage in life but is limited by his own history. Limited in his ability to ask (dumb) questions and deal with the response. Limited in being vulnerable in front of his wife or children because he might cry or need help.
Vulnerability is part of life. Violence is not. Being responsible to know our limits and find ways to manage them or possibly extend them is part of life. Using guilt instead of honesty is not a part of living. That is an act of diminishing what a man and woman are capable of being together. Emotional agility is part of a man’s life in every stage. When he is young he can laugh, cry, be sad and feel proud of himself. When a man is middle aged and then an elder he has the same liberty. Age is not a limit on emotional agility. The rich cry. The poor laugh. The middle class feel sad. It’s not about the money. It’s about you and your response to life in the moment. You are powered by the residue of previous successes in finding a path forward with dignity for all. Your response petitions your spouse to bring her versatility to the situation. You companion each other in success, challenge, failure and learning.
Why? Because that is what you want.
If this was interesting then there are other posts on this blog that you may like:
It loves the books you read and the fresh spring air that you draw into your lungs. Your soul loves your kitchen dance. That dance you do to your YouTube playlist while you cook.
Even when life isolates you because of a global pandemic or because of lack of understanding in your relationship you still generate love. It’s the soul love mentioned above. Many times the fact of soul love is little consolation when we are dealing with mid-life mayhem. Know that to lead ourselves and our family day after day we apply belief in the soul that pushes and pulls us.
Like in the emergence of spring, there is a Green power in us that gives birth, creates new and finds a way. It allows us to see the invisible. Which in fact is not invisible just not yet happened.
Accompanied by our soul we bring potential into being. In the process The New You blooms. The New You for what is clean and true and in the moment.
When their Fulfillment becomes your Satisfaction. That is one of the Magical Arts of Love.
Remember the Art of War where the local administration is in charge of the decisions which the army carries out for the benefits of the community to live in peace. ‘In Peace’ feels great for us personally. But it is the impact at the human level that this environment of peace permits the soul to do it’s work. The soul is childlike in its enthusiasm, it’s readiness to enhance the human experience; your life.
Your soul loves its job. Your soul loves being your soul.
Your soul loves when you: connect with the planet; breathe in and feel part of the moment; sense you are in the flow of now. This can elevate you into your Devotion Emotion. This is our Yellow Power. This is loving and being loved.
Loving the belief in life’s trajectory; being loved by the higher realms that our source of light.
How do I create light for others like the higher realms do for me? This is the religious roller coaster of getting devotional and then re-integrating the elevated you with daily life. This is our fabulous challenge. And this is what helps us develop into a fabulous person.
Your soul loves its job. Your soul loves being your soul.
This is the Red section. For lack of eloquence it can be plainly stated your Soul wants routine. It wants you to get stuff done so there is a sense of realization that can then be repeated. In the same action you get satisfaction. Your Red Art is to seek experience that delivers soul realization and personal satisfaction.
Find a way to make your seeking repeatable. And fun, intriguing, fruitful, inspiring. Find a way to share – other than Facebook. What are the many things you want to learn as a result of seeking for your soul.
Understand your Magnetic Strip. Like the black strip on your credit card that identifies your resources. What is your magnetic strip? What resources do you have because of your soul? What resources do you provide your soul? Like higher emotional content that is you wanting something greater than you. That can be in family or business or community.
Your soul loves its job. Your soul loves being your soul. It loves receiving the variety of information you deliver to it on daily and devotional levels.
Cardio exercise for your soul is you reading an interesting book, creative writing, gardening, nature connection meditation.
There are myriad ways you can do soul body building. In fact there are five aspects of your soul that you can work with.
Here is the first. Let’s call it White. To feed White you will Seek what’s next. You will have vision for how to grow and generate your own opportunities. Read books. Ask questions. Listen to interesting people.
Inside of what you hear and read seek to understand the motivation of others as you develop and refine your vision for your soul experience.
Question: what do I seek – for my soul/ as a man/ for my marriage?
Be sure to heed what your ego wants and what your devotional life is nudging you towards.
Like a flower has roots, stem with leaves and the flower carrying seeds, our scale of Habit-Routine-Ritual is a structure for growth.
Habits are the roots that connect us in daily life. Routines are the leaves that receive the light of today. Rituals are the flowers that are abundant with potential.
Habits are important because they are the foundation for growth. Routines are important because it is the stage that connects daily life with higher realms. Rituals are important because they are what makes us human. In your Rituals your human potential is enlivened by these higher powers. This higher source influences your sense of purpose thus creating the New You. The New You has greater clarity of vision and belief in human qualities that make their way into your habits and routines.
This is the daily/devotional relationship that ends up being your personal religion. With active and true Habits, Routines and Rituals your personal religion will flow into your Rituals. Your Way will overflow into your routines and rain on your habits.