Move the words out of your heart – say anything man. Be funny, dumb, endearing, stilted, embarrassing, true and simple. If they stay in your heart they will block your arteries and give you a heart attack.
Say how you feel. Because you want to understand and be understood. Understand what causes you to feel inspired or lost, confident or frustrated. And be understood as you go through the process of using these words to grow.
Find your words for love and vulnerability, of vision and belief.
Practice the words for sorry and appreciation, worry and forgiveness.
Repeat the words that elevate you and are a catalyst for other men.
Move the words out of your heart and into the world so we can all hear and learn:
In 1980 Terry Fox ran a marathon a day on one leg as he made his way across half of Canada. In 143 days he did his one legged ‘hop of hope’ for 5,373 km. Terry was an athlete and he didn’t like being told by a disease how to ‘run’ his life. Terry used his athletic creativity to engage life according to his new reality. He used his mental focus to inspire a country. He found his purpose was to raise funds for cancer research. The Terry Fox Run takes place every September and continues to raise funds for research and awareness about realities of cancer. Awesome!
The Science of Satisfaction. Neurotransmitters generate dopamine and serotonin. This is the ‘what’ of Satisfaction.
The ‘how’ of Satisfaction is the colourful part. How you get your Satisfaction. Doing extra studying for the exam, researching multiple options for your market analysis report.
Our Purpose is the ‘why’ of our how.
So – find out why. That means to ask questions that reveal the inner core.
Ask questions that generate perception or connect to wisdom or germinate seeds of appreciation that grow towards the light of their Purpose.
Judging their ‘why’ without asking questions will not surprise you, help them or improve how you learn.
Questions that promote your willingness to learn, your humility and mental alacrity, your interest in their success and desire to nick some of their best techniques. For example:
‘So, if I want to integrate what you are saying into my life on a regular basis, what is the first step?’
‘From your experience, what is it that people used to get past their first big obstacle?’
‘I have no idea what that means to you: why is it important to you (as a woman)?’
The purpose of the couple next to you in the movie line-up, the guy selling you the popcorn – his manager – the manager’s dad – the manager’s dad’s dentist – the dentist’s dog’s veterinarian are all permeated from our cells outward with the same human stamp: To love and Be Loved. A sincere need and want to be the receiver of someone else’s need to love and to, in return, have the opportunity, perhaps the honour, to love them back. Granted after 19 years of marriage and many thoughts of divorce and one conversation about it there may be some difficulty in finding the honour part of loving your wife and continuing to love her. In fact you may be surprised she still loves you. You know she does but you don’t know in what way. Why does my wife love me now, still, in the first place?
The Urge to Love and be Loved is, in truth, not a sexual urge. The sexual urge exists and it is wise to know it’s not incumbent in love. Sex is not bad. Nor is power or guns or money. It’s what we as a group do with them.
The Urge to Love and Be Loved is the push in us to create community. A community of 2 (a couple/marriage), a community of 3 (family), a community of 6 is a hockey team, a community of 5 is you and four friends on Thursday poker night, a community of sixteen is the local choir. There is the dog walking community, the community of coders, watercolour painters, hackers, bio-hackers, cousins, baseball card collectors, Game of Thrones fans… Many of those communities are now online in Facebook groups so without ever meeting you still feel a sense of community.
Let’s Remember You are a member in full standing, regardless of your history, in the global group of people who, whether they admit it or not, want to love and be loved.
It is a soul community; if you have a soul you are welcome in this community. This simple yet powerful urge can do a lot of the work for you when it comes to finding a partner, making a sale, saying sorry to your wife. A man naturally wants to be of service to his community.
This sense of service can get usurped by fear based decision making. FOMO – fear of missing out. Of not appreciating the community you are in or not doing the work to find your community. FOMO is thinking that there is an opportunity for loving and being loved that is happening and we are missing it. And the people who participate will feel more loved and feel more loving and have stronger bonds of love as a result. They will likely use different language that makes them look cool and autonomous but that is what is happening. Avoid FOMO. Participating in FOMO means you don’t love what you are doing, who you are with and the person that molds you into. It means you’re not responsible for your own emotions. It can mean you can hit somebody because you can insist on being immature and blame the person you just hit because they believed in you as a man.
There is no denying we all need the help and wisdom of other people en route to our Satisfaction. The question is who has the reins of the definition of your Satisfaction? Who is in charge of the resultant decision making to make our Satisfaction a reality?
Mind Sprouts – Satisfaction is a mosaic of efforts, help, failure, belief, ideas, visions, synthesis.
Each of us has our unique version of the Immortal Human Qualities that we use to extract Satisfaction in daily life. We want meaning. We need significance. We thrive on purpose.
Injecting human qualities into daily life is a giving action to others but like those points cards at the supermarket – even when you give out you get something in return.
Immortal Human Qualities include but are not limited to: listening, warmth, patience, finding the positive, finding the possible, _________________, ___________________, …
Whereas – Judging others with our assumptions is making them into something they aren’t. It is manufacturing a fake. A fake is a lie. A lie blocks out the light. Purpose brings light. Purpose liberates your natural abilities of resourcefulness. Purpose is the mother of all Satisfaction.
Ambition to succeed is not curtailed by the sense of Satisfaction. It is the opposite. The more Satisfaction you experience the more you know what you want and how to get it. Satisfaction is not settling for something lesser. Unless you have no purpose. Purpose urges you to make decisions, haunts you to take action, petitions you to ask for help, encourages you to share, directs your energy, focuses your thoughts, causes you to envision something new and different and bright.
Like Terry Fox crossing Canada men cross the mid life period of their life. Canada is vast, beautiful, rugged and it would take a lot of energy and drive to run across it day after day. Terry must have questioned what he was doing and wondered how to keep going on that long, long road. Likewise men need drive to push through this middle age. This time in life might seem to others innocuous from the outside because you see he (husband, son, father, brother, friend) has his work, family, friends, hobbies. At the same time there is an undercurrent of power that is prompting him, urging him, nagging him, calling him. Like the nature of the land of Canada is vibrant and clean so too there is a power that accompanies men. It’s vibrant. It’s natural. It’s potent. When a man is able to direct this vibrancy like Terry focused his energy, he gets success and peace and perception.
When this man power seems to slip through his fingers he gets frustrated and impatient, depressed or angry. Men need companionship that knows how to comfort and challenge them at the right time. Men need understanding from outside and from within. Men need to understand living through a feeling of vulnerable, weird and not knowing does not mean he is weak or bad or not masculine. It means he is alive confronting life and synthesizing it like no one else can with his insight and sense of humour, using his emotional agility and his care.
This man experience can feel like an endless, difficult journey to traverse from 40 to 60 years old for: a man with little direction; a man who lacks a guide; a guy who hasn’t learned how to elevate his life into the devotional realms that can bring him peace, perception and direction.
But, We will not be victims! We have the resources we need. To cross the wide spaces in order to make connection. To elevate from our daily emotion into our Devotional self, even for just a bit, to dwell in our sense of purpose. And then apply it back into daily life to improve ourselves and the life around us.
At any point or level, purpose can become unclear, remain elusive or get lost in the details. So instead of waiting for someone to impose their Satisfaction, or for us to ride on the coattails of their epiphany of life purpose, we can go and get it for ourselves.
Ask – What gives you Satisfaction? Your Answer …..
What do you need to get what you want? What do you need to provide a Satisfied husband to your wife?
Your purpose is full of satisfactions. Some are fast – like cooking a meal at home. Some Satisfactions are slow – like growing a business. And some Satisfactions are incredible – like having a family.
The 5P Process is a reliable, self orienting method for developing your purpose to be multi-dimensional. One dimension is that your pursuit of your purpose accomplishes many things with one action. For example by repeatedly looking for ways to get better at your communication you share lots of energy and interesting ideas with others. Thus making possible clear connection with others; inclusion of others; understanding.
Simply the 5P are: The Point; The Practice; The Principle; Your Passion; What do you make Possible.
The Point – What do you want? Be Specific
The Practice – What are you going to do about it? Keep it simple.
The Principle – What The Practice upholds.
Your Passion – The Power that Transforms your emotion from Daily to Devotional.
What Do You Make Possible? – What do your decisions, actions, beliefs and emotions create.
U smile. Justin Bieber’s anthem on the infectiousness of infatuation. Both people are smiling for the same reason but doing so each in their unique way.
Likewise, we all have a unique response to Life Stages. Some guys don’t move out of their parents basement until they are 32 years old (because their parents sold the house). Then there are the girls who get kicked out of the house when they get pregnant at 18 years old.
So there can be confusion. For the young woman she will be a mother by the time she is 19 years old yet she is barely entering the adult stage. The maternal role can be forced on a woman quite early so she finds herself late at night panicked by her baby that doesn’t stop crying. That same night her teenaged friends are posting on instagram from an awesome party with no worries about motherhood. Then again a 38 year old woman can yearn for years until pregnancy magically arrives. Both are valid expressions of Maternal life of a woman. Hopefully they are accompanied by an equally valid expression of a Paternal life from the man, the father.
Just take a look at The Bieber himself. His Professional Life ignited at 13 years old when he was discovered in Stratford, Ontario by music promoter Scooter Braun. Considering his age he handled himself with aplomb. His response to the call to come into his own as an adult has been well documented on social media. He mixes a double hydrogen dose of humility with the oxygen of confidence giving life to his broad range of talents. His emergence from a boy into a man has been a struggle just like it is for you and me.
Life Stages aren’t the same as Life Roles. Life Stages are the development episodes of life from radiant newborn to marvellous infant and quickly into curious child. The child lurches towards adolescence when, as teenagers, we battle with the intensity of youth. The intensity of youth is almost smothered by the responsibility felt by the adult life. Then the (in)famous midlife: what will the midlife crisis reveal? As if emerging from a pressure chamber we appear as an elder.
The Life Roles of Maternal/Paternal, Professional and Romantic are addressed in another chapter. These Roles are another world unto themselves that we have to manage at the same time as grow and develop. By no means are Life Stages the same as the various parenting tasks or marriage realities. Regardless if you have a life partner, get married or have children you will be processed by these Life Stages all the same way.
Having children, while its impact is undeniable, does not make any Life Stage more difficult unto itself. Anyone will have less time and energy to think about where they are on the metamorphosis of maturity if you have 3 children under the age of 5. Inevitably your sense of Satisfaction or Fulfillment will be complicated by the moment to moment experience of your life partner in their current Life Stage.
Being single means you have the freedom to complicate your own life. And as quickly simplify it. A 45 year old man married for 23 years and a single man of the same age can equally draw anxiety or Satisfaction from their Life Stage. They will rationalize the negative or positive of their life through the range of events with people, emotions and emotional baggage in their life.
The three Life Stages are: Youth, Adult and Elder. They are ready with experiences and uncertainty. Hey, are we going to find love and all the healing that comes with that?
Each stage has its function: Youth is to gorge on experience and program you for the challenges to come; Being in the Adult role is to apply your personal algorithms to life so that you can actually grow and not feel left behind. Elder is to beacon into the generations that follow from your inner core the path forward. Elders offering settlement and belief is crucial for the people in mid-life who are stressing with payments and relationships and the undercurrent of meaning or purpose.
You are responsible for you in all Life Stages – You are accountable for your actions. You are the generator of your own emotions. Nobody has control over you. No matter how much you get frustrated and angry because you don’t understand your wife. No matter how confused you get about what you want and why. No matter how bad you think you look. For everyone the stages of life cause us to feel out of sorts So it is good to partner with whatever will outlive your current stage in life. Of course one candidate for partnership is your ego that will never leave your side until your dying day. Another potential partner is your soul. Unlike the ego, the soul is true to your growth as a person and a human.
Taking responsibility for our Emotions is a fabulous personal development step to offer our life partner. You can be right. You might be wrong. You probably forget. We all do. What is the challenge is to be accountable for our words and actions. More to the point is to understand the ripples and waves that we can cause in others. Ripples of amusement or frustration; waves of love and appreciation.
Please Remember: Your soul will never leave you, it is always true to your Satisfaction and Fulfillment.
Mind Sprouts: About mid-life – it is a natural stage lasting a decade or so and unto itself does not come prepackaged with a crisis. We create the crisis. When we can’t find a purpose we create drama. Welcome to your crisis. If you are 45 years old then it gets labelled as your midlife crisis. We all do dumb, or spontaneous or silly or regrettable things at different stages of life. No doubt you have seen, or been the guy with the sporty yellow convertible that is a man cave on wheels.
Mid life is a re-orientation. The crisis comes from lacking orientation before getting to mid life. So it makes a lot of sense if you feel unoriented and fall into panic because something is lacking in life …. there is an elusive Satisfaction at some level …
Previous to mid life we were growing as a preponderance. Somewhere around mid life, growing gets accompanied by the development of our Higher Soul response to life. Whether we are aware of it or not. Our body and soul are expecting us to answer a calling or a nudge for a Devotional life. A Devotional life can yank us out of any mid life potholes. A life with purpose can transcend some or all of the weight of depression.
Believe it or Not: Who you marry is not who you divorce. What? Yes it is the same person but not the same woman. The person you are divorcing is not the woman who said yes to ‘Will you marry me?’. Here there is zero (0) room for blame. If someone refuses to let themselves be urged by the Human Soul into the man they are meant to be then they end up changing without growing. We all change. We always change. That’s the force of the trajectory of Life Stages The conflict comes when we don’t keep up with the change by accompanying inevitable change with personal growth. Grasp the difference between change and growth. Change is the same person in different clothes. Growth is you with new power that you learn to connect to. Growth is you learning that loving yourself is at the same time simple yet weird and beautiful. Growth is keeping up with the moving sidewalk that is the process of Life Stages.
You decide. Daily. You can stagnate. Or you can Grow. Leading yourself to developing your Personal Religious Life. Think Transcendence. Think My Best Ego.
Know this: What you want and the Life Stage you find yourself in are distinct. They can seem to be aligned to the same goal of your happiness and success. They can also be adversarial. As a means to not have your life direction usurped by the demands of any Life Stage yet at the same time not running away from the reality of where you are now, it is useful to decide what you want. It’s a lifelong process to repeatedly declare and refine what you want then follow through with action. Decide and communicate what you want as a: spouse, man/woman, parent, human. Have the humility, agility and confidence to provide constancy in their pursuit.
Nothing Personal. Satisfaction is you getting to your limit of deriving value from the experience. Sometimes we never can get enough: think of sports, drinking, gossip, shopping.
Life stages finish according to their schedules regardless if you were the best or the worst at that stage. Regardless if you did what you said you were going to do. Regardless if your wife knows that you really do love her for who she is.
Read – Erik Erikson, the German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst is known for his theory of psychosocial development. In The 8 Stages of Human Development there are very useful ‘conflicts’ that are highlighted that help us grasp what each stage is asking of us as we move through life. Themes like Intimacy versus Isolation and Generativity versus Stagnation are two that seem to apply well to a man’s need for Satisfaction and a woman’s need for Fulfillment.
Nature analogy The opportunity to see our reflection in nature with respect to Life Stages is abundant: The seed is a magical germination, the roots are reaching out for minerals, sprouts break through the earth with focus, the trunk surges towards a life giving sun, a blossoming of colour and fragrance accompanied by a fruit carrying the seed of the next generation.
Data is the new oil – they say. Businesses can always use more data to refine their algorithm results. Corporations pay big money for your data = big data. Or they just syphon it off other websites. But do you need more data or information? Or rather more inspiration; More passion?
Yes to inspiration. Yes to passion. To resist the tyranny of big data we need references, resources, reasons and examples to educate ourselves about our sense of meaning. We all have a need for connection that runs 24/7 in each of us under the surface. Call it purpose, passion, meaning, calling, urge, mission – they are all asking you to connect what you encounter in daily life to what you are looking for on the inside. The inside is your devotional life – whether you think that is your thing or not. Since you have a soul your life is asking for some personal religion.
We need ways to elevate our source of references and reasons to get perception that make sense with daily life. We can read really old books or ask really old people a question and listen.
We need good reasons, enduring intentions and guiding sentiments to help in locating ourselves on our ongoing soul trajectory.
Crucial resources include maintaining a healthy foundation in the body, mind and emotions: find a moment of peace to couple with a moving meditation. Regularly distinguish between habit, routine andritual – and use them for your growth or phase them out. Wonder about a higher purpose, be of service, teach, mentor and be mentored, tell stories, volunteer…