Life Stages: An Excerpt from a book in progress about Satisfaction


U smile.  Justin Bieber’s anthem on the infectiousness of infatuation.  Both people are smiling for the same reason but doing so each in their unique way.

Likewise, we all have a unique response to Life Stages.  Some guys don’t move out of their parents basement until they are 32 years old (because their parents sold the house).  Then there are the girls who get kicked out of the house when they get pregnant at 18 years old.  

So there can be confusion. For the young woman she will be a mother by the time she is 19 years old yet she is barely entering the adult stage.  The maternal role can be forced on a woman quite early so she finds herself late at night panicked by her baby that doesn’t stop crying.   That same night her teenaged friends are posting on instagram from an awesome party with no worries about motherhood.  Then again a 38 year old woman can yearn for years until pregnancy magically arrives.  Both are valid expressions of Maternal life of a woman.  Hopefully they are accompanied by an equally valid expression of a Paternal life from the man, the father. 

Just take a look at The Bieber himself.  His Professional Life ignited at 13 years old when he was discovered in Stratford, Ontario by music promoter Scooter Braun.  Considering his age he handled himself with aplomb.  His response to the call to come into his own as an adult has been well documented on social media.  He mixes a double hydrogen dose of humility with the oxygen of confidence giving life to his broad range of talents. His emergence from a boy into a man has been a struggle just like it is for you and me.  

Life Stages aren’t the same as Life Roles.  Life Stages are the development episodes of life from radiant newborn to marvellous infant and quickly into curious child.  The child lurches towards adolescence when, as teenagers, we battle with the intensity of youth.  The intensity of youth is almost smothered by the responsibility felt by the adult life.  Then the (in)famous midlife:  what will the midlife crisis reveal? As if emerging from a pressure chamber we appear as an elder.

The Life Roles of Maternal/Paternal, Professional and Romantic are addressed in another chapter. These Roles are another world unto themselves that we have to manage at the same time as grow and develop.  By no means are Life Stages the same as the various parenting tasks or marriage realities.  Regardless if you have a life partner, get married or have children you will be processed by these Life Stages all the same way.  

Having children, while its impact is undeniable, does not make any Life Stage more difficult unto itself.  Anyone will have less time and energy to think about where they are on the metamorphosis of maturity if you have 3 children under the age of 5.   Inevitably your sense of Satisfaction or Fulfillment will be complicated by the moment to moment experience of your life partner in their current Life Stage. 

Being single means you have the freedom to complicate your own life.  And as quickly simplify it.  A 45 year old man married for 23 years and a single man of the same age can equally draw anxiety or Satisfaction from their Life Stage.  They will rationalize the negative or positive of their life through the range of events with people, emotions and emotional baggage in their life.

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The three Life Stages are: Youth, Adult and Elder.  They are ready with experiences and uncertainty.  Hey, are we going to find love and all the healing that comes with that?

Each stage has its function:  Youth is to gorge on experience and program you for the challenges to come; Being in the Adult role is to apply your personal algorithms to life so that you can actually grow and not feel left behind. Elder is to beacon into the generations that follow from your inner core the path forward.  Elders offering settlement and belief is crucial for the people in mid-life who are stressing with payments and relationships and the undercurrent of meaning or purpose.  

   

Photo by Margarida CSilva on Unsplash

You are responsible for you in all Life Stages – You are accountable for your actions.  You are the generator of your own emotions.  Nobody has control over you.  No matter how much you get frustrated and angry because you don’t understand your wife.  No matter how confused you get about what you want and why.  No matter how bad you think you look.  For everyone the stages of life cause us to feel out of sorts  So it is good to partner with whatever will outlive your current stage in life.  Of course one candidate for partnership is your ego that will never leave your side until your dying day.  Another potential partner is your soul. Unlike the ego, the soul is true to your growth as a person and a human.  

Taking responsibility for our Emotions is a fabulous personal development step to offer our life partner.  You can be right.  You might be wrong.  You probably forget.  We all do.  What is the challenge is to be accountable for our words and actions.  More to the point is to understand the ripples and waves that we can cause in others.  Ripples of amusement or frustration; waves of love and appreciation.

Please Remember: Your soul will never leave you, it is always true to your Satisfaction and Fulfillment.

  

Mind Sprouts:  About mid-life – it is a natural stage lasting a decade or so and unto itself does not come prepackaged with a crisis.  We create the crisis.  When we can’t find a purpose we create drama.  Welcome to your crisis.  If you are 45 years old then it gets labelled as your midlife crisis.  We all do dumb, or spontaneous or silly or regrettable things at different stages of life.  No doubt you have seen, or been the guy with the sporty yellow convertible that is a man cave on wheels.    

Mid life is a re-orientation.  The crisis comes from lacking orientation before getting to mid life.  So it makes a lot of sense if you feel unoriented and fall into panic because something is lacking in life …. there is an elusive Satisfaction at some level …

Previous to mid life we were growing as a preponderance.  Somewhere around mid life, growing gets accompanied by the development of our Higher Soul response to life. Whether we are aware of it or not. Our body and soul are expecting us to answer a calling or a nudge for a Devotional life.   A Devotional life can yank us out of any mid life potholes.  A life with purpose can transcend some or all of the weight of depression.  

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Believe it or Not: Who you marry is not who you divorce.  What?  Yes it is the same person but not the same woman.  The person you are divorcing is not the woman who said yes to ‘Will you marry me?’.  Here there is zero (0) room for blame. If someone refuses to let themselves be urged by the Human Soul into the man they are meant to be then they end up changing without growing.   We all change.  We always change.  That’s the force of the trajectory of Life Stages  The conflict comes when we don’t keep up with the change by accompanying inevitable change with personal growth.  Grasp the difference between change and growth.  Change is the same person in different clothes.  Growth is you with new power that you learn to connect to.  Growth is you learning that loving yourself is at the same time simple yet weird and beautiful.  Growth is keeping up with the moving sidewalk that is the process of Life Stages. 

You decide.  Daily.  You can stagnate.  Or you can Grow.  Leading yourself to developing your Personal Religious Life.  Think Transcendence. Think My Best Ego.  

Know this: What you want and the Life Stage you find yourself in are distinct.  They can seem to be aligned to the same goal of your happiness and success.  They can also be adversarial.  As a means to not have your life direction usurped by the demands of any Life Stage yet at the same time not running away from the reality of where you are now, it is useful to decide what you want.  It’s a lifelong process to repeatedly declare and refine what you want then follow through with action.  Decide and communicate what you want as a: spouse, man/woman, parent, human. Have the humility, agility and confidence to provide constancy in their pursuit.

Nothing Personal.  Satisfaction is you getting to your limit of deriving value from the experience.  Sometimes we never can get enough: think of sports, drinking, gossip, shopping.

Life stages finish according to their schedules regardless if you were the best or the worst at that stage.  Regardless if you did what you said you were going to do.  Regardless if your wife knows that you really do love her for who she is. 

Read – Erik Erikson, the German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst is known for his theory of psychosocial development.  In The 8 Stages of Human Development there are very useful ‘conflicts’ that are highlighted that help us grasp what each stage is asking of us as we move through life.  Themes like Intimacy versus Isolation and Generativity versus Stagnation  are two that seem to apply well to a man’s need for Satisfaction and a woman’s need for Fulfillment.

The following link provides a brief overview of this theory as well as some good references for further research: https://www.halffullnotempty.com/eriksons-8-stages/

Nature analogy  The opportunity to see our reflection in nature with respect to Life Stages is abundant:  The seed is a magical germination, the roots are reaching out for  minerals, sprouts break through the earth with focus, the trunk surges towards a life giving sun, a blossoming of colour and fragrance accompanied by a fruit carrying the seed of the next generation.  

Photo by Kendall Young on Unsplash

Question:  Can you discern how the Life Stage you are growing in impacts your decision making?

If you have a few minutes take a look at a relevant post.

https://wild-coach.com/2020/03/05/the-intensity/

Excerpt from book in progress about Satisfaction – Habit, Routines and Ritual

Photo by Anders Jildén on Unsplash

When I was ten years old I took my first communion.   Because I went to public elementary school I had to take catechism classes once a week at night at the Catholic school.  The Catholic school kids had their own mass for their first communion and then our public school group had ours a few Sundays later.  It was a spring day with a beautiful blue sky full of potential activity.  My parents made me wear a mustard yellow ascot to go with my burnt orange velvet blazer -the one with my dried snot on the right sleeve where I had wiped my nose which made my mom so mad.  She was right.  It really was a cool blazer.  It definitely wasn’t a blue suit.  

I can picture the photo of us outside on the church steps afterwards as we posed for the portrait of the moment.  My mom was shining her beautiful smile as always.  My dad was in full 1970’s style with the big tie and bigger sideburns.  Grandma, my dad’s mom,  was there in a nice baby blue dress.  She was of the era, born before 1900,  when you didn’t smile for photos.  She definitely didn’t break rank that day.

I got paired with a girl from our catechism class to take the Communion offering and collection up to the altar.  She got the money.  I took the Bread of Transcendence.  

I was really nervous as we walked up the aisle.  It was my first time.  There was nothing I was repeating.  No Habit to tyrannize me; no Routine to coach me.  The girl and I and everyone at mass were participating in a Ritual.  Called Communion.  This Communion ritual is the act of elevating the Daily version of ourselves to experience the Devotional one.    A communion of Daily and Devotional.

Priests, parents, teachers and Elders are understood to instruct the young on the arts and skills of releasing the Devotional into the Daily.  That means the religious service connects the participants with higher energy – Devotional; and young people need help to walk the talk of this life wisdom. Actually we all need guidance to process the impression of formal religion on our mind and soul so we can create habits that amount to a personal religion.   It might feel easier to release an elephant from the local zoo into your city centre than to step into your personal religion.  

Ritual abounds in religion, in sports, in art, in making tea, in meditation, in martial arts, in connecting with nature, in nature. Ritual is high intention combined with mental focus and followed through with an action that attracts confirmation from the higher purpose of those doing the ritual. The Ritual is a vehicle for the person to accumulate in their blood and bones the residue of higher forces. The sound, movements, words, songs, dances are in support of this human – energy connection. If we lose sight of this then what was supposed to be ritual becomes tradition.

This topic is important because all men are constantly receiving real energy to grow as a male, man and gentleman.  The confusion is while some guys seem to be able to manage their energy without getting into too much trouble, why do some men use the energy they receive to disrespect women through violence and other forms of aggression? 

The energy that powers a man is powerful.  If we suffer from an inability to give this power expression then we might: feel agitated, lack confidence, get crushed by depression.  And some of us get violent.  The violence can be swinging fists, hurling insults, sexual perversion to name a few of the many forms.  Instead what can be really useful for young men is to learn their unique energy management.   The violence against a woman can happen in a brief, horrible moment. But the frustration of a lack of self understanding in a man builds up in him over years. Bomb like. They can explode in a fit of violence, be detonated by a psychologist or be dismantled by the man himself.

That is why it is crucial to develop Habits, create Routine and be ready for Ritual. 

We are all allowed to get frustrated and talk about it.  Get angry about the frustration.  Anger doesn’t imply aggressive words or threatening stances or personal insults.  There is no blame.  A man is responsible for his energy management. That is something he needs help with.  Something he needs to learn and refine all life long. So when we have an argument with our wife there is no violence because we don’t have pent up energy. Instead we have some sense of momentary Satisfaction. Generated by Habits of cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen, checking your sports scores; Routines of taking the dog for her walk, of seeing your buddies in the weekend; Rituals of eating dinner together, of pursuing your personal religion. That way we have avenues of expression for our energy.    Because the frustration or disrespect or stress you bang up against in daily life is handled by a foundation of Habit, Routine and Ritual.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

There are lots of variations of energy in men including: sexual energy, Devotional energy where one is caused to look for meaning and a higher purpose, the energy that goes with their Life Stage, marriage energy and male energy to list a few.  It is good to recognize there is a lot going on all at the same time.  We all need help.  Conversation.  It is our role as a man to grasp the natural influences in our life and do something about them.  Your energy and how you react or respond to it actually has nothing to do with your wife or girlfriend.

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A quick word about sexual energy.  The human sexual energy is very strong.  It is not bad nor is it well understood.  It is not just sex.  Physical sex.  It is a range of creative powers that can result in a new business, a new relationship, a new recipe or even a new baby.  You see teenagers and some young adults, even some famous adults, who can’t think about anything else.    It makes their decisions for them. It runs their life. Their inability to resist it or manage it ruins their life.   For a pubescent teenager this makes sense it almost consumes their life because the connection with this energy is itself always new, so intense in the moment and powerful in its impact.   

Poor sexual energy management can have harming repercussions that cut deep and last years.   In marriage, family, society and men in general we generally make it difficult to talk about and direct this power.  The youth need guidance from elders like mom and dad.  And they need to do stuff that uses up the energy.  This is a huge challenge.  How do you use up the undeniable sexual energy running through the bodies of young people without it being physical sex?  Think sports, guitar lessons, dancing, hanging out, parties, fixing up your bike, fixing up your car, cleaning your room!, hiking, swimming, help them get a part time job, volunteering, anything and everything, … Keep thinking and doing and talking and guiding.

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When a man is beyond the reach of his elders because he won’t listen to them, they aren’t worth listening to or he has simply outgrown them in his case – how does he know when and how to use the natural sexual energy?   Hopefully throughout this book there are ideas and inspirations that generate avenues of investigation and belief that help in this aspect.

Please remember that sexual energy and your Devotional energy are not the same thing and should never be confused.  Both can have an aspect of attraction/calling, companionship, loving and being loved, connection and an impulse for meaning that drives you to do things you wouldn’t do yourself.  But they are not the same.  Those in positions of power that they wield to confuse others about these two natural energies are misusing their power.  The priests of the Catholic church has a lot of damaging experience in this territory.

This book is written to create distance between all men and that confusion of sexual/devotional energy mentioned above.  We urgently need passion and ideas and people to clarify a man’s path forward and specifically highlight the unique man they may see before themselves.  

It is vital to grasp that this is a daily challenge for a man.  The challenge of finding his path forward using his unique abilities to synthesize the task at hand into daily life in a satisfaction producing way.  This urge upon him for self-realization is non stop.  At times subtle.  At times shouting.  At times a beautiful congress in the moment of  life trajectory and courage. At times a complete mess of what he wants in contrast to what he is doing and what he thinks he should do.   Some guys can wake up and even before they open their eyes they are already depressed!  And others wake up without an alarm at 4:30 am everyday to: work out, meditate, write, make breakfast and then get to work by 6:30? 

Habits can categorize a man’s energy.  Routines can process it.  Rituals can reveal it.

You can’t talk about Habits without mentioning Routine. With a mention of routine then the next logical step is to see the where and when of Ritual. If it this isn’t your experience then you need to create the circumstance and meet the people and ask yourself the questions to generate your own purpose. In the moment that can make us vulnerable to not know the way forward and ask for directions. And it can also can take us to new places and introduce us to the New You.

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It’s all in your head. And it is also in your blood and bones. A few connections to ponder:

Ritual – Projection – Energy – Beliefs

Routine – Imagination – Power – Prayer

Habit – Location – Strength – Declaration

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Tradition can be reduced to a routine, converted into a ritual minimized, squeezed into a habit.   Or you can build your own traditions that have the power of Habit, the reliability of routine and the Attractive energy of Ritual.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

For guys to hear mention of the word ritual they can go down four different mental paths. 

1 .Ritual to mean religious ritual that is something you do in a temple/house of worship and it has always been like that, you unconsciously repeat a few prayers and you are done.  Whether there has been a transformative process is another question; 

2. New Age flaky ritual based in ancient traditions with everyone bearfoot, wearing white and chaniting themselves into a trance.  Perhaps the greatest difference between these first two types of rituals is that the New Age one is probably more effective at delivering on the concept of a transformation.

3.  The ritual display that guys know is in sports: The goalie goes onto the ice first. Or the quarterback puts eye black under his eyes (TB12) because that’s what he always does to get him to his peak performance.  

4.   The ritual well known through the animal world: mating.  This ritual can take place at any hour in any place.  Popular mating ritual temples are bars on Friday night.  However increasingly the ritual has gone online.  The ritual nowadays amounts to swiping right.  Dating apps and websites made famous by Tinder. 

Write On:

What is a habit you:

Have

Want

What is a Routine you:

Can develop

Can refine

What is a Ritual you:

Can enliven with your Belief

Can create to connect with nature

Excerpt – Men

An excerpt from a book in progress about Satisfaction.

 

Photo by David Billings on Unsplash

Men: A Declaration 

Untangling ourselves from the many demands and distractions of life,

It is the task to remember and to realize …

A Man is a Vibrant Power.

With a Willingness that is Clean.

With an Agility that is True.

He Seeks how to Help and be Helped,

As one of his expressions of Loving and Being Loved.

He insists on finding a way to grow

and bask in the flourishing of others.

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This is you.  You know it. You love it. And then life happens.  Life Stages contort us.  Stress manhandles us.  Age changes us. Both husband and wife can feel when this declaration above doesn’t describe the man in their midst.

No big deal really.  If he can get his boot in the stirrup to get back in the saddle.  If he knows how he can find his power. To do and to be. 

A woman loves her nurturing nature.  She savours the fulfillment when she can embody her nature.   When that nature gets usurped by ‘saving her toxic boyfriend from himself’ then the morass of emotion that ensues is bottomless.  The problem is when he can’t find the stirrup, or his power or doesn’t know where he is at.    

Man Formula  

Man = Control x Dexterity + Purpose

Or

Man = Versatile/The Moment x Love.

Go for it.  What is your Man Formula?  

Man = ________________________ + ____________________ / __________________

Man = ________________________ x ____________________ + __________________

If you are reading this on a device then in your cell phone put your ideas in notes.

There is no right response.  There is you, the moment and the man you want to be.

Is your Man Formula an algorithm for reliable growth or a declaration of predictability?

In the moment whatever is needed of the man for his own Satisfaction or in service to others is the Formula for that moment.  And that is a big part of how men can fumble and stumble.  This feeling of being lost.   The idea they are not valued.  Not knowing what they want because things move too fast for their This-is-the-man-I-have-become Mind Set. 

Man Cave

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus written by John Gray in 1992 is a seminal work on relationships.  From there we get a concrete identification of the Man Cave.

To hear the man himself take a look at this TedTalk:

The Man Cave of my childhood was my dad in his furnace room.  I was born after he had established that dark, hot cramped room as his retreat.  There were no windows in that basement emotional hideout.   But it did have all kinds of little nooks where you could hide a mickey of whisky.  He kept tools and screws, seasonal clothes and various knick knacks collected from trips.  He also kept all kinds of sports jerseys and equipment long after it was of use except to act as his personal jailer that wouldn’t let him join the present moment.  You had to be very careful if you wanted to get rid of anything from his cave. 

There was actually a lot of love he had for being a father that, if he could have grown some emotional agility, could have been repurposed.  Instead he spent his time rearranging running shoes and ski boots completely cut off from any sense of togetherness.  Imagine if he had received the guidance from his father or other family members about how to deal with the emotional challenge of being a man in the succession of development stages of life.  He could have still been the king of his Man Cave – no one was going to take it away.  His cave could have been an engine for Satisfaction in him that reverberated through his family.  And ignited his interest in the unique way of Satisfaction of others.  This scenario is more common than sad.  The details are obviously different in every family but the dynamic of a man cave becoming a prison is likely a pandemic.


The Man Cave Function (fill in the blanks)
My Man Cave
generates in me: _______________________ + _________________________ 
so I can offer ___________________________ + ________________________ 
Into my personal and professional life.

The Man Cave is actually quite varied in its expressions.  It can be the convertible he drives 8 times a year and keeps in a storage unit in impeccable condition, the shed out back, the garage that is completely organized, swept and labelled, or the garage that is a wanna be junk shop. Some guys are very efficient at Man Caving – finding Satisfaction in their guy time.  Other guys their Man Cave becomes their life.  Their Man Caving might be sharing their photos of antique cars or buying and selling baseball cards.  It might be drinking beer and looking at his phone.   

Does he emerge from his cave and offer a confident man to his spouse in times of marital stress.  Or to share the paternal sensitivty to know when his son needs guidance in school, about sex and drugs.  Or to clarify the concepts of Male Stack and Female Frixion?  If we can’t handle stress or provide sensitivity because we hide in our Man Cave then whatever the cost of our Man Cave – it becomes really expensive.

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Question:  The Man Cave has its purpose.  It’s a matter of ROI.  Is the return on the investment he puts into it worth the human life energy that it soaks up?   

The song These Eyes by The Guess Who in 1969 is what can happen if we get swallowed up by our Man Cave or are otherwise unable to communicate with our spouse.

These Eyes

These eyes, cry every night for you

These arms, long to hold you, again

The hurting’s on me yea

But I will never be free, oh my baby no no

Hear it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw8nXCx5qgo

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It’s not that your Man Cave is a bad place.  It is a matter of management.

Man Cave can also be seen as an action if the Man Cave is functioning as an aspect of his emotional management leading to Satisfaction.  Things like: working late, volunteering, sibling/parent issues, exercise, coaching, professional development, attending church/temple.

Nothing wrong with your unique man cave or your Man Caving routines – as long as you are in charge.  See Chapter 7 on Habits.  Man Caving process allows a man to breathe, think, process his emotions, organize his stuff and his thoughts whether consciously or not, create new avenues for expression of his unique synthesis of love and of being autonomous.  

Autonomous can mean to the man to be in control. Control may be useful but it can become tyrannical.  Tyrannical it may appear to be, at first glance, on one’s family members.  But really it is limiting the emotional range, spontaneity and willingness of the man.  

Man Caving is the natural experience to regroup and then re-engage with family, with life and personal growth challenges.  

Man Caving is the process of a Satisfaction craving creature getting what he needs at his speed.  

Man Caving can be cool and rewarding and stress relieving but it is not an end unto itself.  The world keeps rolling while we are man caving.  The point is to re-integrate with renewed energy to seek and create opportunities to offer love and be of service.  Service can be telling a hilarious story from work, taking out the garbage, asking your daughter what she finds interesting about studying chemistry.  Being of service to others delivers Satisfaction to you.  As a result you can offer a man at peace willing to love and be loved.  Checkout this post: 

https://wild-coach.com/2019/05/17/10-things-a-young-man-needs-to-to-hear-from-a-man/

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Reflection:  

What conversation would shed light on the path of repurposing some of my Man Caving towards Satisfaction so I can offer my family the real me?  

Take a few minutes to watch this brief nature video as you reflect on your conversation:

https://wild-coach.com/2020/04/10/1-minute-wilderness-clouds/

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We may use our Man Cave because we just had an argument, need some space and want some autonomy.  Or from boredom of being at home and everyone is doing their own screen time on a phone or laptop.  We may go Man Caving out of habit: after dinner, load the dishwasher, kids do their homework while pretending not to peek at their cell phone, wife reading beside kids so you go to the garage to clean the car and organize your tools.  What is the residue from our cave time?

When a man, or the man and woman can’t extract the necessary value out of the Man Cave experience then he feels incomplete, lost; can be irritable and fragile.  Let’s avoid blame and find a way to communicate.

What he likely won’t say with words is that he lacks confidence.  Success begets success.  However the change process from lack of confidence, that semi-consciously expects failure, to a good attitude with resilience and resourcefulness can be challenging.  A fragile man lashes out at others who are trying to germinate little successes in him.  Even a man not so fragile thinks he is seen as incompetent because he can’t see that getting help is natural.   That needing help is normal.  Accepting help is smart and being grateful for help is very becoming of a gentleman. 

Mind Sprouts:  

Mind Sprouts are opportunities to use your Focus and Belief to grow mental pathways.

I am not wrong because change is constant and cannot be controlled.

I am not being made wrong because my family asks more from me based on their beliefs in my ability to grow.  

I am not a bad man because I am being tasked to elevate my understanding.

Where are there five minutes in myday to think about elevating my understanding?

Let’s Remember:

 We are all responsible for our emotions.

 ‘no man is an island’

Share without counting the cost.

Forgiveness is a by-product of your energy being refocused on growing.

Let go of yesterday; Grab the Now and Point it up at your Future.

Say/Think/Write:

As a way to generate Emotional Self-Responsibility – what are your thoughts today:

I am proud of me as as man because __________________________________.

I get disappointed with myself when I __________________________________.

I get frustrated with myself because I can’t understand my wife.

I can laugh at myself when I _________________________________________.

I feel Satisfied because I did my morning exercises before going to work.

I feel ____________________________________________________________.

I have settled into mid life somehow.  I think it has something to do with when I can sit out on the porch early on Saturday mornings.  It seems to bring me some kind of peace.  It’s like a meditation watching the birds and the squirrels and the trees.

I have a little ritual that brings me ____________________________________________.

Nothing Personal:   

This Satisfactioning is life long work.  Each man is a work in progress – each day.  Which says over time, your Art and Skill of Satisfaction will become part of your Personal Religion.  Whatever that means and whatever that looks like.

FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up

An excerpt from an article by Sam Samson of the CBC:

Winnipeg woman said she will continue to advocate for body positivity after being the subject of misogynistic comments in a private group chat involving NHL players.

“Everything I post, I post online because I feel beautiful. I feel great. I feel worthy,” said Nicole Zajac. “I just don’t think it’s worth it to let a few comments from people who clearly don’t respect women get to you.”

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/hockey-winnipeg-groupchat-nhl-1.5560623

Ms. Zajac is a hero. Those guys are a product of their environment. But at some point a man is called to decide for himself how he thinks about women, what he wants to become and as a result what he will say. What each of these guys needed was help from their coaches and parents to use their upbringing and hockey training as a springboard into his unique robust, version of a man. Did they get it?

From her comments you can see that Ms. Zajac is emotionally agile. She has made decisions for herself about what she thinks of herself. She is strong enough to endure the low end of social media with the goal of helping others feel good about themselves. She is brave. Those guys…? They didn’t heed the call of being a man. They have FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up.

In order to support Ms. Zajac and to help guide young men, please take a look at my previous post:

https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/497

Make Their Fulfillment Your Satisfaction

When their Fulfillment becomes your Satisfaction. That is one of the Magical Arts of Love.

H Heyerlein on Unsplash

Remember the Art of War where the local administration is in charge of the decisions which the army carries out for the benefits of the community to live in peace. ‘In Peace’ feels great for us personally. But it is the impact at the human level that this environment of peace permits the soul to do it’s work. The soul is childlike in its enthusiasm, it’s readiness to enhance the human experience; your life.

Participating in this enhancement of someone else, because you made their fulfillment your satisfaction, is a valid expression of love. See a previous post for a bit of background: https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/97

Part of the art of this love is understanding that the person we are supporting will shine. In part because of you.

Their shining for who and what they are and what they love to do is not a rejection of you. You are not being left behind. You are getting a glimpse of The New You of your spouse.

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She loves you for support and feels you too want to rise into your The New You.

Unique U.

As a natural act of appreciation a Hamilton, Ontario radio station is asking listeners to call in with the first name of a front line worker (nurse, doctor, police) they want to say thank you to. ‘Sue, who is a paramedic from St. Catherines – thank you!’ Great initiative: simple and inclusive to recognize professionalism and dedication.

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In these times of global worry what can we do to participate in societal protection and our communal recovery?

Like me if you are not working in a hospital or related services it can feel helpless to be confined at home. Although staying home is of great service to your family and all of the communities you are a part of so we don’t get sick or get others sick, it can feel passive.

What else can I do to help?

Seek the best in others. Offer the best of yourself.

Living without many of our daily habits, having our routines compressed or put on hold can put us on edge. Maybe you are taking care of and educating children. We can be impatient. Frustrated. Out of our element. Being limited by new health based protocols and regulations, that are for our own well being, can reveal we have to find new ways to live. Can we find topics of conversation so we are not accumulating fear by only focusing on the virus?

Yes! Go back to school. Enrol in Unique University. Unique U. is where we learn more about ourselves, others, marriage, parent roles, stages in life. We can learn jokes, new recipes, some Yoga, paint a picture, plant a few veggies in starter pots. We could get better at singing or realize what we already knew – that we will never be a good singer:)

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

In the tutorials of Unique U. we are the student one moment and the teacher the next. Our emotions (daily / devotional) and human qualities are the curriculum. Seek the one-of-a-kind of each of us that can easily get lost in the rush and demands of daily life.

Offer to read out loud to someone an interesting few lines from a book and seek their perception about it. Seek to understand the ‘why’ of yesterday to offer better vision of the ‘how’ for tomorrow. Seek satisfaction for yourself to offer fulfillment to others.

This can help us update our beliefs about ourselves. Highlight that you are versatile, creative and resourceful. It can also remind us our family members are funny, quirky, spontaneous and caring.

The Seesaw

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who said ‘ok’ to the playground bully when he said, ‘Hey jump on’ to the other seat of the painted green wooden playground seesaw.

Jessica Wilson on Unsplash

This playground in front of the winter outdoor hockey rink (and summer tennis courts) also had the big swings that were awesome; you could pump your legs to swing so high. And then jump off at the peak of your follow through which was a good 15 feet above the ground. Way outta control!

There was the long metal slide that heated up to burning hot in the July afternoon sun. You couldn’t slide down without a serious leg burn.

So on this day the local buffoon convinced me to participate and now I am up in the air as he lifts his seat and bashes it back to the ground. This sends me flailing a foot above my seat. I hold onto the metal handle with all my ten year old might.

He laughs the asshole. He loves it. Again he bashes his seat down punctuated by his villainous cackle. Again my legs fly into the air. I’m bucking this green wooden bronco and wondering how to jump off as it looks like he is not going to let me off.

Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Likewise the seesaw in relationships can generate a variety of emotions from elated to enraged. I am sure you know what I mean.

Let’s look at the fulcrum which is the part in the middle that is the balance point between the two extremes. According to the little drawing above one side is ‘Self’ and the other being ‘Love’ in our relationship seesaw.

Too much self at the expense of love means a person is in a relationship for personal gain. To feel loved with out offering love in return. Another imbalance is when we don’t love ourselves enough and submit our fulfillment to the satisfaction of our partner.

Somewhere in between the two is an ongoing sensitivity of give and take that looks to somehow feed both at the same time. So make yourself loveable and therefore, in your own way, attract love. Without negating this love you attract, your art is to seek out how to love another for the person they want to be.

re-Purpose

A former manager once dropped into my office and quickly put a gift bag between the wall and my computer terminal.  He timed it well so I was busy with someone so he just smiled, nodded and left.  It was mid December and so he was receiving lots of Christmas gifts from every direction.  I didn’t expect anything from him and I am pretty sure he had no intention of getting me anything.  For me the company wasn’t a place I belonged and for him I didn’t solve his problems with his bosses.  And then appeared a bottle of scotch in my office in a gift bag lacking the colourful tissue paper.  I can’t remember the last time I drank scotch.  Which means that I either binge drink it or never drink it.  I had never talked about scotch at work.  So obviously he was regifting the bottle.

Regifting is a useful practice. Re-gifting means more people get gifts which means more happy people and less consumerism and waste of wrapping paper.  It’s logical and heartwarming.  It works.  I drank the scotch.

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Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Regifting  and repurposing could both be seen as changing the direction of the same thing.  You can repurpose tires into jewelry, plastic into a fleece pullover, a boyfriend  into a husband, an old silver fork into a bracelet, a pop bottle into a flower pot, a stump into a stool and on and on.

Life stages thrust this reality of ‘the new you’ unto us.  Our curious child repurposes into a rebellious youth into the sceptical young adult into that focused adult who grows into an elderly sage.  In the beautifully painful transition known as death, the sage repurposes into spirit.

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Photo by Nourdine Diouane on Unsplash

There is some art to repurposing.  Simply said – don’t change too much.  Change as much as you have to while staying loyal to what you know is real.  What is true about you is the eternal you.  This is what anchors the local you through the bumpy transition from one stage to the next.   Your eternal you, your higher self, loves to elevate on the journey your soul is opening up for you.

The Intensity

My parents never gave me the sex talk. I don’t know if it would have made much of a difference. There is so much happening in puberty it can be tough to have an impact on the teenage reality. Nowadays in middle age I can probably listen better and could use some of that conversation.

Photo by Aiman Zenn on Unsplash

We can all use companionship going from the intensity of puberty and youth, through the adventure of young manhood to the intensity of an adult. The intensity of being an adult is to discover how to live with purpose. Purpose can be elusive in middle and old age.

Not being able to connect with some sense of purpose creates in a man anxiety and is an invitation to look into the abyss. That is why it is important for generations of men to speak to one another about: individual purpose, spiritual currency, functions of the soul, stages in life, emotional responsibility.

Individual Purpose – The combination of soul – spirit – mind- genes in each of us is unique. We all have a different purpose according to the planet and our destiny. Comparisons are futile. The point is to offer clean emotional residue to others and the planet as a result of dealing with the opportunities to grow as a human. This residue will have an impact on all aspects of your daily and soul life.

Spiritual CurrencyEnergy powers our brains, hearts, thoughts, hopes and beliefs. There are different types and levels of this energy. There is energy for: the physical body, mental processes, emotional sustenance and participating in high soul activity. Higher emotional powers are the ones that, when we don’t understand them, can contribute to a sense of being lost and lack of connection to our stage in life. Whereas when we do develop a higher emotional life of service we live with a sense of peace.

Stages in Life Life changes us. You have a scar on your chin you didn’t have when you were 10 years old. You have habits you formed in your youth and goals you established as a young man. Over time we grow into another stage of life. Each stage has its new highlights and emerging capabilities. Often times from lack of understanding we experience emotional and physical changes (puberty, mid-life, children, marriage, the urge to find meaning…) as burdens or defects. Not true. They are challenges to put yourself out there. To create your own Satisfaction. To share Your Best Ego. Don’t limit yourself.

Functions of the Soul The soul is employee of the month – every month of every year. The soul is reliable and always in the moment. Never yearning for the good old days or dreading its future. The soul takes the energy we connect it to and gets the most out of it.

Nqobile Vundla on Unsplash

Emotional Responsibility- With changes in each life stage we often don’t know what we are doing. This can cause us to perhaps blame others. Saying for example we never wanted to change, or we resist new people or situations because indeed they might open the door to a new you. This new you might leave behind old friends or introduce different vocabulary to your decision making.

The new you takes responsibility for how he feels. That can help to find a higher purpose that is a natural response to that intensity of middle age.

FF3 – Emotional Accoustics

Jacek Dylag on Unsplash

Emotional Acoustics

Rodrigo yelled.

‘Hey! Leave me alone.’

Then came the answer. Rodrigo was 8 and yelling into the valley.

Hey leave me alone – the valley copies him.

Don’t copy me!!- Rodrigo yells and turns his back on the valley. He’s a funny, smart 8.

2 long seconds later –

Don’t copy me.

Amazing fealty for an echo. It is Instagram before Instagram: a brief recording of the moment and then it is gone. I guess it’s a combination of the low valley architecture furnished in green with pine trees and sloping hills.

We caught on to what Rodrigo was doing – it gave us a good laugh.

Xavier Van Erlach on Unsplash

The power of our echo is amazing. The impact the rebounding of our words and actions have in the lives of others.

This duration and the degree of the echo are always a product of one’s emotions.

The more invested we are in the other person the greater the duration of the echo. That can work both ways.

Combine that with the intention of the person plus the context and the echo could provide an uplifting harmony or a deafening noise puke.

Why?

We, men and women, are governed by the need of being loved and loving someone else.

How do the results of the Female Frixion rebound off the walls of love of her spouse? It is the acoustics of his sense of value for himself. That value can be anchored in his family, in how he takes care of his tools, his income, what people think of his wife. His value can also be self generated – so that way it is associated with higher connection (in contrast to external value that is dependent upon likeability). His self value in conjunction with his male instinct determine the harmonies he hears between the 3 roles of his wife.

Becca Rapert on Unsplash

So when communicating the Female Frixion to her partner she will will feel received, understood and appreciated. Or if the man doesn’t grasp the concept of Female Frixion, the woman eddies in the river of communication, then he will substitute something else as his understanding of her message although it is inaccurate. And that will be the basis of his decision making about her from then on. Commonly labeled: happy wife – happy life. Or it can get adversarial between people and the Female Frixion is cemented as a 3 headed monster that is apparently the source of all marital issues.

Or with self-Love in both people it can be cultivated into

A tricycle of love.

There are no short cuts between you and the truth. Whether that be you and not feeling alone (short cut is to find someone not your wife);

Feeling disconnected with manhood in midlife (short cuts include but not limited to, drugs/alcohol).

Feeling loved and loving. (Short cuts too many to list but they all boil down to abandoning yourself as a man.) You have to do the work.

You can be smart about what you are struggling with. This means elevate your emotional agility to attract perception about how to struggle better, struggle happy, struggle together.

WITBOY4 – High Heals

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Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

I saw a documentary years ago about women boxers.

Some women who go to the gym and learn to punch for self protection.  There are those women who are professional boxers that live and train to fight.

And then there were the women that were the focus of this film. They are mothers and wives who have a full life and a full time job.  And they box. They get into it for personal motivations that are part of their story.

I remember the single mother, let’s call her Suzie, being interviewed as she put her kit in the back of the car. Late 30’s, 2 children, at least 1 ex-husband, very cheerful. And she hits other women. For exercise!

I can imagine that it functions as therapy. So can shopping. And unless it is Black Friday nobody hits anyone.

So the stress release involved in boxing that Suzie feels is quite clear to see. The training required puts her into great shape. The adrenaline and associated hormones of landing a nice right hook help to feed part of her female life. So actually there is a lot of upside. As long as you don’t get knocked out.

Is that it? What else does she get out of it?

Doesn’t her body pay a price? They do have to wear protective head gear etc. Doesn’t it hurt? Yes. And without being sadistic, that’s part of the motivation. Part.

When you get hurt your body takes over the healing process. Without delay or excuses, with precision and efficiency: It is how the human body loves.

Even between rounds the body of a boxer starts to heal.  Healing is miraculous and beautiful. And it feels good.

Suzie wants to feel good. Remember she is cheerful. With all of life’s challenges she has turned out to be a happy, middle-aged single mom (who you don’t want to fight over a parking spot):)

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Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

 

When healing the white blood cells protect a wound from infection. They also produce chemical messengers called growth factors that help repair wounds.

Dopamine helps regulate new blood vessel creation in the healing process of skin wounds. More wounds = more dopamine.  Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that causes you to feel good.

Natural ways to generate dopamine are: exercise, meditation, sleep and certain foods to name a few.  Destructive ways to generate dopamine are: alcohol , drugs and related poor lifestyle habits.

Dopamine can help us heal and also be a factor in cementing a habit.  Whatever that habit might be: Smoking, drinking, boxing or getting hit by your boyfriend.

The hitting part hurts your face and damages your self esteem but the dopamine connects the whole process with getting better.  So some people end up using cocaine to get the dopamine.

Some women don’t leave the violent boyfriend so they can get hit again to get the feel good of healing dopamine.

Here is a crazy idea – that part of the difficulty of women to leave an abusive relationship is because, mixed up with their level of self respect, they kind of want the next fix of a neurotransmitter released in the healing process?

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Photo by Chris Ensey on Unsplash

Healing feels good. As it should – with all the goodies the body is generating. Don’t make healing from violence your source of feel good.

Instead …

Find something that pulls you up into Your Best Ego. Could be dancing, cooking, organizing, being a good mother, forgiving, inviting someone, highlighting someone else’s good trait in a difficult situation or having a connection moment with nature. Your Best Ego is you choosing for yourself how to live. Your Best Ego includes people that bring respect. Your Best Ego is at a level of energy that generates healthy sources of happiness. Your Best Ego seeks value to keep growing.

Be like your body and bring the growth factor; be the growth factor.

High heals.

It is true.

Is it true for you?

WITBOY2 – Standards Are Important

Kurt Vonnegut advised to ‘Start as close as close to the end as possible’.

The American writer had 8 Rules For Writing. Gems of guidance for creating an interesting story. The above is #5.

Kurt Vonnegut’s 8 Rules for Writing

Vonnegut’s writing put humanity on display – and it often wasn’t pretty.

Perhaps he was lazy. The closer you start to the end – the shorter the journey so the less you need to write. Perhaps starting close to the end is a story design method so the writer stays true to the intention of the story.

Jessica da Rosa on Unsplash

Each conversation is a story. Even if that conversation in a dark 30 seconds on a downtown street is between strangers, full of swearing, worrisome and in full public view. What happened was this big and tall guy darted in front of two walking women (mother and daughter) and ‘BOO!!’ he yells out of nowhere. The daughter screams back; her mother said don’t. Daughter pursued him down the sidewalk to share her fright but he wasn’t interested. He already got what he wanted and wasn’t about to listen. His sudden scare manoeuvre works to steal some good energy. In this case: Female energy; high potency anger energy; the beautiful energy of being the focus of the ‘conversation’. All of this makes him feel important and makes up for a lack of relationship in his life.

Dirty business tactics on his part. The business of energy management –

we are all in the same business of energy: give and take, diminish and elevate.

The big, tall guy on the dark, downtown street was using guerrilla tactics. And he started quite close to the end of the intention of his story – which was to steal good energy. It only took him seconds. End of story. For him.

Does that mean he is good at what he does; steal? Or that he has no art? No energy art.

What about the others in the conversation?

Priscilla du Preez on Unsplash

Still recovering from the disturbing encounter the mother was coaching her adult daughter as they resumed their journey. The residue on the daughter from the experience is anger. Next time ‘listen to your mother’.

And if her mother isn’t there next time then the daughter would do well to activate her strength of resistance. Meaning make the continuance of her life ( like the walking conversation with her mother) more important than a grown man who is blind to his own value (due to self esteem or illness).

Resist the low. Adhere to the high. You are important.  Standards are important.

Puerro Battistoni on Unsplash

So, tonight when you lay your head down – wonder – ‘what is true because of you?’

What do you want to be true because of you? This is like Vonnegut telling his students to start as close to the end as possible. If you have a good day what is the energetic residue? If you have a bad day, what is the energetic residue? If you are alone? If you are accompanied?

Close your eyes and know:

Because of you there is a marriage with a sense of loving and being loved;

Because of you a woman has no fear of violence in her marriage.

Because of you a colleague knows they are valued.

Because of you nature spirits flourish.

Because of you …

Life will jump in front of you and scream ‘BOO!’ now and again. When it does, resist the low. Maintain your standards that seek the good.

AYM8 – They Can’t Find An Elder

Elders are old.

Elders are wise.

Elders are slow. Slow walkers. Slow dancers. Slow drivers. Not slow at understanding. Not slow at knowing how to use a very few words to connect young people to the truth of the way forward.

I have no idea how my grandfather did it but he nailed it with his nick names for his grandchildren. Names like ‘ol’ stick in the mud ‘or ‘money bags’. When it came to me and my nick name I think he was bang on: absent-minded professor. The absent-minded part I have down pat. The professor part not so much.

We, each of us, man or woman, will never make it to the role of elder if we take each stage of life personally.

We need to rise above our individual, daily now and see how to participate in the higher, group story. There is no Eldership Certificate. There are no specific qualifications required. Except you have to care enough not to care. Meaning care enough about the process of young men going from one stage of life to the next so that you don’t care what you have to do or say.

Young men need direction. Young men need a reason why to get an education or training for professional life.

Young men are screaming for someone to explain how the levels of energy work so that when they get angry they don’t hit a women.

Just like the levels of energy, with stages in life one leads to the next. With life you don’t have to do any learning to get older. The next stage of life comes because you keep breathing. We all grasp the opportunity and experience of each level according to our psychology and vision up to that point. But to elevate in the realms of energy we have to practice. Practice means maintaining standards. In daily life this means not taking things personally in the moment so you can find a solution to the problem instead of fighting. That is how you grow as a man and build a relationship with your spouse.

Alleged Vinicius on Unsplash

In the moment it isn’t easy. In the moment it is too late to want to grow. That’s where the elder wisdom comes in because they have lived the good and the bad so they can share with credibility the importance of growing today for the challenges of tomorrow.

Where are these elders who know how to grow? And who understand the finesse required to manage the non-stop power of sexual energy? Who tells the stories of the various arts,skills and insights involved in pursuing a personal religion?

You are urgently wanted and obviously needed as a resource to be listened to and ask questions. We the previous generations are being called by the next generation to accept the role of elder. So young men can put down the beer, put down their fist or even a gun and pick up their phone – to make the call.

ATM10 – The Female Instinct is Not Respected

Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

Young men are angry young men because they have no idea about the the mechanics of the female instinct. How it works, why and what to do about it.

Your mother was right.

Your mother is right.

Because she is your mother ? Yes.

Because she is a mother? Yes.

Because she is a woman? Yes.

Because she is smart and successful and fashionable and in a loving relationship, creative and spontaneous and hilarious, sociable and admired?

Daniil Kuzelev on Unsplash

Well, I don’t know your mother. Still I hope she embodies many of these qualities listed above. Any combination of these traits would help to generate ongoing satisfaction and fulfillment for her and those in her life.

The amazing challenge of motherhood tugs on the ancient history of care that have kept us alive for millennia. Many a young mother is overwhelmed with the weight of responsibility that their tiny bundle of joy represents. They have no idea what to do or what their infant needs.

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Yet with the guidance of experienced mothers, a new mother can grasp the thread of maternal wisdom and connect with the natural intuition of motherhood.

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Under the influence of this connection a woman finds a kaleidoscopic fountain of love powering an agility of ability to be the source of happiness and health for her child.

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The instinct lives in the core of the moment. And we are invited every moment to accompany the instinct; to get instinctual. The instinct has enough potency and range to radiate beyond the core. Whether at the core or in the ripple effect of the instinct, it’s message is always valid, true and available. So it is up to our discipline and desire to follow it, trust it as opposed to second guessing.

So where we sit now is that men are alienated from their instinct? Their sensitivities have been institutionally diminished and tuned to sex, money, and lame ‘man caving’ habits.

Devin Edwards on Unsplash

As a result when a woman, married or not, a mother or not, professional or not insists on adhering to the connection with her instinct – men balk! Men don’t get it. But they do get angry. And violent.

Why? He pleads.

Explain it to me! He yells.

What am I missing?! He demands exasperated.

Damn good questions.

Man! You are missing a connection with your instinct. Make that connection and you can have a shared understanding of the situation with your spouse.

Justin Follis on Unsplash

The learning is that women and men will maintain their connection with their instinct using complimentary techniques. Women through the management of the three aspects of The Female Friction.

Men will do it by elevating their various expressions of the famous man cave.

AYM9 – Their Youth and Future

Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

Angry young men are angry because their youth and future have been tarnished by lack of vision by weak elders who know fear and lack of resistance.

Timothy Barlin on Unsplash

Young men will hit each other including the closest loved one within striking distance. Be it their mother or sister, girlfriend or wife.

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Because they can’t handle life right now, in the moment. Life can get to be too much of not having enough. Too much of not being enough. It’s frustrating. It’s demoralizing. So It takes balls to not succumb to the forces of diminishment – and to want discover want kind of man you are – when the people in charge of the world have run it into the ground.

Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Thank God a new story is being written by elders-in-training who are:

Forgiving and then immediately use that conversation to take the reins of their emotions to support their mission;

Doing the personal development work to understand the many currents of daily and devotional life;

Elevating the conversations about intricacies and complications of the intertwining of relationships with life stages;

Insisting we appreciate that the planet unto herself is on a development journey called evolution.

Markus Spiske on Unsplash

And that all of these are powered by potent, far reaching forces. Forces that are received, translated and shared when we refine and simplify our needs and rituals to ‘love and be loved’.

Adam Jang on Unsplash