A Wild Idea: The Kabbalah of Marriage — Ask Life Coach Sam
By Aron Moss Marriage is a pretty bizarre concept. It must have been G‑d’s idea. Who else could think of such a wacky plan like bringing together two opposites and putting them under one roof to share a life? And who else could invent an institution as beautiful and powerful as marriage? It’s wacky—but it works. It […]A Wild Idea: The Kabbalah of Marriage — Ask Life Coach Sam
FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up
Photo by Mark Landman on Unsplash
An excerpt from an article by Sam Samson of the CBC:
Winnipeg woman said she will continue to advocate for body positivity after being the subject of misogynistic comments in a private group chat involving NHL players.
“Everything I post, I post online because I feel beautiful. I feel great. I feel worthy,” said Nicole Zajac. “I just don’t think it’s worth it to let a few comments from people who clearly don’t respect women get to you.”
Read the rest of the article here: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/hockey-winnipeg-groupchat-nhl-1.5560623
Ms. Zajac is a hero. Those guys are a product of their environment. But at some point a man is called to decide for himself how he thinks about women, what he wants to become and as a result what he will say. What each of these guys needed was help from their coaches and parents to use their upbringing and hockey training as a springboard into his unique robust, version of a man. Did they get it?
From her comments you can see that Ms. Zajac is emotionally agile. She has made decisions for herself about what she thinks of herself. She is strong enough to endure the low end of social media with the goal of helping others feel good about themselves. She is brave. Those guys…? They didn’t heed the call of being a man. They have FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up.
In order to support Ms. Zajac and to help guide young men, please take a look at my previous post:
For those who don’t know that’s what you do before you nup.
So don’t go nupping until you have pre-nupped.
Then you can nup. Nuptialize yourself. And for the brave, you can post nup.
That’s called Marriage.
The thing about Marriage is a guy can think he has one source of wisdom for how to marry his wife: himself. That’s stupid. He is not stupid but he needs help. He is not alone.
You Are Not Alone. For a few more ideas to generate understanding of each other please see my blog post: https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/534
Your marriage is yours. Still there is a beautiful solidarity that we men can provide each other when each one of us can connect with ‘My Best Ego’. Based in ‘My Best Ego’ you exhibit self responsibility. Your challenge, a fabulous spur to boost you into the New You is to: find something that gives Satisfaction to the part of a man that loves to support a woman. When you find that something – put it into your habits, routines and rituals. Find its friends.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
Talking about love and support … It was a hot, sunny December day in Zihuatanejo, Guerrero, Mexico. A good day to get married if ever there was one. So I did. To my wife of all people.
We are still married. Still nupping. Sometimes to my disbelief. To my eternal benefit.
Before you go nupping with the love of your life it is a good idea to go in prepared with your eyes wide open. They might be wide open but glazed over with smittiness. Or you can get married with awareness that this is your life. Your Romantic Life/Role in your life is so important. Listen to it, respond to it and do not be a slave to it. Those who are slaves to their Romantic Roles in life often become bimbos, if they are lucky, abused if they aren’t.
So as you enter into a new stage in life and take on new roles as a woman/wife or man/husband you can agree on going to a lawyer to sign a draft prenuptial agreement to keep things clear from the beginning and separate from the emotions. Love today – lose tomorrow.
Feel free to consult a family lawyer to imprint your prenuptial contract with the concerns as future spouses avoiding the nastiness of an immature divorce .
Feel free and empowered to consult your soul to remind you what you Seek and Offer in your relationship. That relationship that you assume is based on loving your spouse and being loved in return. Each person loves the other for their insistence on it being true to themselves – that’s how we participate.
How do you Participate? Legally? Or Soulfully. A little bit of both … Insisting? true? Free? Seeking a Relationship? Offering Soul (whatever that is).
The Soul Agreement might, at first glance, seem like it is with your spouse, when in fact it is internal. With oneself. It is an agreement to Seek and Offer. Not just to Seek what you look for in a person. Not only to Offer what you have always offered.
You won’t just Seek a girlfriend, any girlfriend just because they listen to your mumbo jumbo will you?
In the Soul Agreement you Seek a confirmation that you are loved. You Seek an opportunity to love someone else.
Seek is the operative word. You really, really want this. You need this. As a woman, as a man. You aren’t browsing, like in a bookstore, in case you come across something that tickles your fancy. You know what you want and you are intrigued to find out who has it and what is their unique expression of it. Their expression of a good sense of humour, creativity, support, appreciation, determination.
In your own internal prenup what in the world are you going to Offer?
Let’s Remember There is no ‘counting-the-cost’ here. You Offer because you want to. It is not conditional. Except of course the universal condition on all relationships: the insistence on human dignity and personal standards. Meaning there is no violence or abuse. Physical, emotional or otherwise. No if – then threats hanging over your head that impede your instinct. Something like – “If you don’t do what I say then there are going to be some serious repercussions!!” No.
In a phrase, we offer to love and be loved. This can be seen to be encapsulated in his marriage vows. In this case it is an if – then promise: ‘If you marry me then I promise to respond to you, an evolving, enriching woman, by being ready and willing to update my husband response as petitioned by you or my instinct.’
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
Sew that seed of promise at the start of your marriage so that seven years later, when you are having another one of those difficult post nup days (that we seem to attract in certain phases) you have pre-programmed your Belief in: you, your spouse, marriage itself, your marriage. Harvest the intention of those marriage vows.
To resolve whatever was the issue of the moment in a relationship you have an ally always in waiting: My Best Ego. We all need an ego to some degree to keep ourselves intact in daily life. This helps us strive to grow, regroup after a mistake, be proud of our accomplishments, share life experience, ask for and offer help. What happens is that our Ego can get out of control. And it gets addicted to blocking the light of day from the rest of our inner lives plus the Ego and emotions of those around you.
My Best Ego elevates your Ego – for positive results that can be shared. Shared not only on Instagram but in conversation for the benefit of you and someone else; spouse or colleague or sibling or neighbour. Use My Best Ego to Seek in your spouse her My Best Ego. To Seek with anything less delivers dollar store quality results: in the moment it suffices but you may find yourself repeating the same arguments all over again quite soon. As a result you have learned little about the person you are married to and become the punching bag for their lack of emotional development.
Your Ego is based on how you feel about how you feel.
My Best Ego generates opportunities for Fulfillment and Satisfaction that can be shared.
My Best Ego is you improving your fluency in human qualities of: persistence, Belief, patience, resilience, resourcefulness, forgiveness, optimism and maintaining standards.
The Fabulous work by Gail Sheehy in all things relationship. Written in 1998 it illustrates that wisdom stands the test of time and applies equally among gender and race. https://www.amazon.ca/Understanding-Mens-Passages-Discovering-Lives/dp/0345406907
You as a woman want to be loved in a way that says you are uniquely special. You know your dedication to your marriage/family is powered by your desire to love fully, naturally, confidently and your instinct will be supported by your spouse.
Love in the Time of Coronavirus
We live in a different world than we did 2 months ago. And our world will be again made different by the regulations and fears that accompany the re-ignition of daily life in the weeks and months when quarantines are lifted.
We live on a different planet than the characters in Gabriel Garcia Marquez 1985 novel, Love In The Time of Cholera. Taking place from 1880 – 1930 likely in Colombia. The protagonists profess their long distance love by telegraph and hand written letters that can take days and weeks to finally get read and be replied to. Nowadays we tweet, text and FaceTime in the moment – all the time. The content of the messages is the same. In the south and the north we are all searching for the same thing.
To love and be loved.
Photo by Luis Vidal on Unsplash
Fast forward 100 years or so and we can exchange Cholera for Coronavirus. Both are infectious diseases that can cause death. For that matter one might say there are some similarities with love.
What have we learned? About love and infection.
Here is a story from the here and now.
She brought her daughter and a dog. He had his 2 children and a dog. They married and added a child of their own. They came from contrasting cultures. Something happened to harmony. Not overnight.
For this man and woman now their many relationships as spouses, parents, step mom/dad and with in-laws are to some degree: disastrous, toxic and dangerous to all participants. Who is to blame?
We can blame him for sure. Because his patience ran out. We can also blame her because she doesn’t have anymore patience. We can definitely blame their parents who didn’t use all those years guide them into the necessary Self-Love. Add to your Coronaworld those infuriating times in a marriage and you have a recipe for disaster. We all need a good dose of Self-Love to get through the disruption and uncertainty that is Your Life During Coronavirus.
The more Self-Love we can muster these days then the less like a personal attack this whole situation can feel. While we are all doing some version of ‘sheltering in place’ or self-isolation or social distancing or quarantine we need to adjust to our new circumstance or get adjusted by it. There is no commuting to work, drive-through coffee, popping out for lunch, office flirting, useless meetings to complain about, personal space or no stories of what happened today at work or school.
We all need to give each other and ourselves a break because nobody saw this pandemic coming. Except Bill Gates. Many years and millions of dollars of donations ago.
Photo by Jove Duero on Unsplash
Love in the Time of Coronavirus is love of the imperfect you. Love of the grace of planet Earth. Loving the feeling of breathing in fresh spring air in a time when it might be dangerous to breathe. Love of forgiving and being forgiven – quickly when possible. Slowly when not.
Offering your smile to someone else is Self-Love. Complimenting their cooking is Self-Love; so is waking the dishes. People laughing at you instead of your dumb joke takes a fair amount of Self-Love. Belief in a life journey takes Self-love because it means you know that you are part of something bigger than daily life. Refining your habits, routines and rituals in order to offer your spouse a Satisfied husband is a good example of Self-Love. Because you want your Self-Love to be a part of your spouse’s happiness.
As a natural act of appreciation a Hamilton, Ontario radio station is asking listeners to call in with the first name of a front line worker (nurse, doctor, police) they want to say thank you to. ‘Sue, who is a paramedic from St. Catherines – thank you!’ Great initiative: simple and inclusive to recognize professionalism and dedication.
In these times of global worry what can we do to participate in societal protection and our communal recovery?
Like me if you are not working in a hospital or related services it can feel helpless to be confined at home. Although staying home is of great service to your family and all of the communities you are a part of so we don’t get sick or get others sick, it can feel passive.
What else can I do to help?
Seek the best in others. Offer the best of yourself.
Living without many of our daily habits, having our routines compressed or put on hold can put us on edge. Maybe you are taking care of and educating children. We can be impatient. Frustrated. Out of our element. Being limited by new health based protocols and regulations, that are for our own well being, can reveal we have to find new ways to live. Can we find topics of conversation so we are not accumulating fear by only focusing on the virus?
Yes! Go back to school. Enrol in Unique University. Unique U. is where we learn more about ourselves, others, marriage, parent roles, stages in life. We can learn jokes, new recipes, some Yoga, paint a picture, plant a few veggies in starter pots. We could get better at singing or realize what we already knew – that we will never be a good singer:)
In the tutorials of Unique U. we are the student one moment and the teacher the next. Our emotions (daily / devotional) and human qualities are the curriculum. Seek the one-of-a-kind of each of us that can easily get lost in the rush and demands of daily life.
Offer to read out loud to someone an interesting few lines from a book and seek their perception about it. Seek to understand the ‘why’ of yesterday to offer better vision of the ‘how’ for tomorrow. Seek satisfaction for yourself to offer fulfillment to others.
This can help us update our beliefs about ourselves. Highlight that you are versatile, creative and resourceful. It can also remind us our family members are funny, quirky, spontaneous and caring.
The $12 Vacuum
Many a car’s mechanical problems can be related to how often you change the engine oil. The more often you change it the cleaner, the saying goes, it runs. Also it means the mechanic is rooting around under your hood to see or hear if something is wrong. Which not coincidentally generates more business for the garage. If in fact he finds something wrong then you are doing preventative maintenance which is almost always cheaper than repairs. Not only with cars but just about everything else.
Photo by Lukas ter Poorten on Unsplash
Take our vacuum for example. We bought it second hand because my wife’s experience is that you spend a $150 or usually more on a new vacuum and more likely than not it is giving you headaches within 6 months. Funny when I was growing up we had an emerald green Electrolux whose design was inspired by one of the characters in the canteen from the movie Star Wars. The thing lasted easily 15 years. Suction wasn’t great those last few years. That was still in the day of the vacuum bag that filled up and you had to toss. I think the whole thing was designed around selling vacuum bags because they weren’t very big and it was pretty awkward to empty them out and try and re-use.
Now our vacuum looks like son of Electrolux: turquoise with a mini body for the dirt receptacle. Nowadays we just empty out the dirt receptacle and keep going. And that is what the people who dropped it off at the donation centre where we bought it must have done because I fired it up and the smell as atrocious. A warm, old shoe bad smell filled our condo. Neither the previous guys nor the donation centre thought to clean the filter. Nor did I when I bought it:) So the filter got cleaned and boom the vacuum is awesome and is running to this day. I think it cost $12. No bags. No fuss.
I have seen the same thing happen with our sink, the fan above the stove, the drain in the shower: you have to clean out the filter to keep things running smoothly (and without a nasty smell.). The same applies to people. I remember in my early working days I didn’t have much money so I didn’t eat well. It didn’t help that I was single, living on my own with limited cooking experience. My home cooked food consisted of lots of toast and canned soup for dinner. Breakfast was a coffee and donut. Lunch would have included the occasional veggie. Whadaya know? I ended up in the clinic with an obstructed bowel. It was painful. Just knocked me out for a few days with no energy. No other symptoms. The doctor said I needed fibre which translates into leafy greens and colourful fruit. In other words I needed to unclog the drain or change the oil. I needed to clean my filter. Physically.
That has happened to me mentally as well. Where I need to learn a new concept about someone or something. As our two daughters get older I need to understand that I am not their only source of info and entertainment or decision making. I must realize they are moving through stages in life rapidly and I have to update myself at the same pace or risk making myself obsolete. It doesn’t mean letting them do everything they want and talking about every single meme they find on their phone. It just means be agile with my role as their dad.
With my wife I need to listen to her ever changing situation with menopause. I need to be confident in our connection and lovingly efficient in grasping where we are today. It’s not boring. I prefer it to a habitual life that is not challenging. I am not going to hold menopause against my wife – that would be stupid. There is no time or space to be acrimonious. I prefer to love and be loved. Loving the menopausal version of my wife means I need to have a good memory, want her to be healthy, be able to ride the roller coaster again and again without getting off. Woohoo!! Just be there for her. I am tall enough to ride that ride:)
I see it comes to updating what I want and what I believe. I want my wife to be happy. I believe our marriage is working. Some days it works like a Tesla model X – fast and curious. Other days it’s like a 1973 Westphalia camper van – lots of baggage and going pretty slow.
Photo by Vlad Tchompalov on Unsplash
Even Telsas have filters that need maintenance.
I find if I clean up the filter, be it the backlog of things my wife has asked me to do (throw out my good boxes cardboard goes I have piled up) or not to do (fall asleep on the couch) we do pretty well. Being in good physical shape and having some sense of your soul are other self tasks to keep things turning over.
When was the last time you cleaned your filter?
If You Have A Husband
Believe it or not, your husband loves you.
He may not say the words very often. He probably doesn’t think the thought ‘I love my wife’.
However he does love you. For a variety of reasons:
Because of you he is not lonely.
Because of you he has someone to love.
Because of you he is loved.
He is loved for his unique way and despite his defects.
Photo by Ramille Soares on Unsplash
He loves you because loving you keeps him connected to being a man of service, of having an intention every day and a purpose in the big picture. Even though he may lose sight of one or both of those as he engages each stage of life. Being disconnected from you, from a sense of service and purpose impacts the man you love to the marrow. Showing up as being irritable to feeling defeated.
He loves you because you grasp his struggle, how it affects him and how to companion him. You know his struggle is based not in the temporary disorientation he feels but in the knowing that he is authentic and wants to showcase that. Which he does through his confidence, humility and agility. Confidence to show you the man you married, humility before your marriage with an agility to embody the changes it petitions him to make.
Photo by marco barsotti on Unsplash
As you know he needs help expressing his love. Obviously as you know – violence, be it in words, physically, any abuse – is not love. We all know that. No excuses.
Your actual husband that you believe in and whose love you yearn for, seeks opportunities to make you happy. Creates experiences that say ‘I love you’ (He might even say it in words:).
So let’s find the man, highlight the gentleman – feel the love.
What Is True Because Of You – 4 – High Heals
Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash
I saw a documentary years ago about women boxers.
Some women who go to the gym and learn to punch for self protection. Then there are those women who are professional boxers that live and train to fight.
And then there were the women that were the focus of this film. They are mothers and wives who have a full life and a full time job. And they box. They get into it for personal motivations that are part of their story.
I remember the single mother, let’s call her Suzie, being interviewed as she put her kit in the back of the car. Late 30’s, 2 children, at least 1 ex-husband, very cheerful. And she hits other women. For exercise!
I can imagine that it functions as therapy. So can shopping. And unless it is Black Friday nobody hits anyone.
So the stress release involved in boxing that Suzie feels is quite clear to see. The training required puts her into great shape. The adrenaline and associated hormones of landing a nice right hook help to feed part of her female life. So actually there is a lot of upside. As long as you don’t get knocked out.
Is that it? What else does she get out of it?
Doesn’t her body pay a price? They do have to wear protective head gear etc. Doesn’t it hurt? Yes. And without being sadistic, that’s part of the motivation. Part.
When you get hurt your body takes over the healing process. Without delay or excuses, with precision and efficiency: It is how the human body loves.
Even between rounds the body of a boxer starts to heal. Healing is miraculous and beautiful. And it feels good.
Suzie wants to feel good. Remember she is cheerful. With all of life’s challenges she has turned out to be a happy, middle-aged single mom (who you don’t want to fight over a parking spot):)
Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash
When healing the white blood cells protect a wound from infection. They also produce chemical messengers called growth factors that help repair wounds.
Dopamine helps regulate new blood vessel creation in the healing process of skin wounds. More wounds = more dopamine. Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that causes you to feel good.
Natural ways to generate dopamine are: exercise, meditation, sleep and certain foods to name a few. Destructive ways to generate dopamine are: alcohol , drugs and related poor lifestyle habits.
Dopamine can help us heal and also be a factor in cementing a habit. Whatever that habit might be: Smoking, drinking, boxing or getting hit by your boyfriend.
The hitting part hurts your face and damages your self esteem but the dopamine connects the whole process with getting better. So some people end up using cocaine to get the dopamine.
Some women don’t leave the violent boyfriend so they can get hit again to get the feel good of healing dopamine.
Here is a crazy idea – that part of the difficulty of women to leave an abusive relationship is because, mixed up with their level of self respect, they kind of want the next fix of a neurotransmitter released in the healing process?
Photo by Chris Ensey on Unsplash
Healing feels good. As it should – with all the goodies the body is generating. Don’t make healing from violence your source of feel good.
Find something that pulls you up into Your Best Ego. Could be dancing, cooking, organizing, being a good mother, forgiving, inviting someone, highlighting someone else’s good trait in a difficult situation or having a connection moment with nature. Your Best Ego is you choosing for yourself how to live. Your Best Ego includes people that bring respect. Your Best Ego is at a level of energy that generates healthy sources of happiness. Your Best Ego seeks value to keep growing.
Be like your body and bring the growth factor; be the growth factor.
It is true.
Is it true for you?
What does a man marry?
The wedding is just one day. Vows, wedding dress, toasts, food, speeches, slideshow, dancing, relatives, a childhood friend, a colleague.
The actual marriage is when we marry ourselves with our spouse the rest of our marriage. Without being in any way unfaithful, a man actually marries varied forces on a constant basis to offer his wife on a constant basis for her to use as needed.
Photo by Kevin Wolf on Unsplash
How does he marry forces?
Using his vibrant power –
– using his capabilities to help, to lead and get satisfaction.
A man loves to accompany others in their success and be accompanied in theirs.
Photo by Zach Vessels on Unsplash
What does he need to do this?:
A man needs a direction to shine his light as a man, a husband.
A man needs a higher purpose to rise above daily whims and challenges.
Photo by Hunter Newton on Unsplash
What is a man’s reality from which to do all this?
It is a mans challenge to combine his abilities and responsibilities in a manner that he can learn from the experience and for the experience to be beneficial for everyone impacted.
Where does he find the internal leverage to receive his reality and improve it in some small way ?
A man is emotionally agile with ready resources that enable him to respond to life with spontaneity not violence.
Said another way:
A man is responsible to keep the embers hot in the fire for life through admiration of others, curiosity and resilience.
Taken to another level –
Men need to foster their intrinsic male sensitivity. This is done by marrying this man-fire with their answer to the urge to maintain and strengthen their energetic connections with the higher forces of growth.
Repeat when possible.
Share as you wish.