The MD Life

At The MD Life, follow the journey of Cynthia Kudji-Sylvester and Jasmine Kudji, a mother and daughter who are “tackling medical school and residency…

The MD Life

FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up

An excerpt from an article by Sam Samson of the CBC:

Winnipeg woman said she will continue to advocate for body positivity after being the subject of misogynistic comments in a private group chat involving NHL players.

“Everything I post, I post online because I feel beautiful. I feel great. I feel worthy,” said Nicole Zajac. “I just don’t think it’s worth it to let a few comments from people who clearly don’t respect women get to you.”

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/hockey-winnipeg-groupchat-nhl-1.5560623

Ms. Zajac is a hero. Those guys are a product of their environment. But at some point a man is called to decide for himself how he thinks about women, what he wants to become and as a result what he will say. What each of these guys needed was help from their coaches and parents to use their upbringing and hockey training as a springboard into his unique robust, version of a man. Did they get it?

From her comments you can see that Ms. Zajac is emotionally agile. She has made decisions for herself about what she thinks of herself. She is strong enough to endure the low end of social media with the goal of helping others feel good about themselves. She is brave. Those guys…? They didn’t heed the call of being a man. They have FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up.

In order to support Ms. Zajac and to help guide young men, please take a look at my previous post:

https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/497

Prenup

Prenup.

For those who don’t know that’s what you do before you nup.

Obviously.

So don’t go nupping until you have pre-nupped.

Then you can nup.  Nuptialize yourself. And for the brave, you can post nup.

That’s called Marriage.  

The thing about Marriage is a guy can think he has one source of wisdom for how to marry his wife: himself.  That’s stupid.  He is not stupid but he needs help.  He is not alone.  

You Are Not Alone. For a few more ideas to generate understanding of each other please see my blog post: https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/534

Your marriage is yours. Still there is a beautiful solidarity that we men can provide each other when each one of us can connect with ‘My Best Ego’. Based in ‘My Best Ego’ you exhibit self responsibility. Your challenge, a fabulous spur to boost you into the New You is to: find something that gives Satisfaction to the part of a man that loves to support a woman. When you find that something – put it into your habits, routines and rituals. Find its friends.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Talking about love and support … It was a hot, sunny December day in Zihuatanejo, Guerrero, Mexico.  A good day to get married if ever there was one.  So I did.  To my wife of all people.

We are still married.  Still nupping.   Sometimes to my disbelief.  To my eternal benefit.

Before you go nupping with the love of your life it is a good idea to go in prepared with your eyes wide open.  They might be wide open but glazed over with smittiness.  Or you can get married with awareness that this is your life.  Your Romantic Life/Role in your life is so important.   Listen to it, respond to it  and do not be a slave to it.  Those who are slaves to their Romantic Roles in life often become bimbos, if they are lucky, abused if they aren’t.

So as you enter into a new stage in life and take on new roles as a woman/wife or man/husband you can agree on going to a lawyer to sign a draft prenuptial agreement to keep things clear from the beginning and separate from the emotions.  Love today – lose tomorrow.

Feel free to consult a family lawyer to imprint your prenuptial contract with the concerns as future spouses avoiding the nastiness of an immature divorce .  

Or …

Feel free and empowered to consult your soul to remind you what you Seek and Offer in your relationship.  That relationship that you assume is based on loving your spouse and being loved in return.  Each person loves the other for their insistence on it being true to themselves – that’s how we participate.

How do you Participate?  Legally?  Or Soulfully.  A little bit of both … Insisting?  true?  Free?  Seeking a Relationship?  Offering Soul (whatever that is).

The Soul Agreement might, at first glance, seem like it is with your spouse, when in fact it is internal.  With oneself.  It is an agreement to Seek and Offer.  Not just to Seek what you look for in a person.  Not only to Offer what you have always offered.  

You won’t just Seek a girlfriend, any girlfriend just because they listen to your mumbo jumbo will you?

In the Soul Agreement you Seek a confirmation that you are loved.  You Seek an opportunity to love someone else.  

Seek is the operative word.  You really, really want this.  You need this.  As a woman, as a man.  You aren’t browsing, like in a bookstore, in case you come across something that tickles your fancy.   You know what you want and you are intrigued to find out who has it and what is their unique expression of it.  Their expression of a good sense of humour, creativity, support, appreciation, determination.

In your own internal prenup what in the world are you going to Offer?  

Let’s Remember  There is no ‘counting-the-cost’ here.  You Offer because you want to.  It is not conditional.    Except of course the universal condition on all relationships: the insistence on human dignity and personal standards.   Meaning there is no violence or abuse.   Physical, emotional or otherwise.  No if – then threats hanging over your head that impede your instinct.  Something like – “If you don’t do what I say then there are going to be some serious repercussions!!”  No.

In a phrase, we offer to love and be loved.   This can be seen to be encapsulated in his marriage vows.  In this case it is an if – then promise:  ‘If you marry me then I promise to respond to you, an evolving, enriching woman, by being ready and willing to update my husband response as petitioned by you or my instinct.’ 

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Sew that seed of promise at the start of your marriage so that seven years later, when you are having another one of those difficult post nup days (that we seem to attract in certain phases) you have pre-programmed your Belief in: you, your spouse, marriage itself, your marriage.  Harvest the intention of those marriage vows.

To resolve whatever was the issue of the moment in a relationship you have an ally always in waiting:  My Best Ego.  We all need an ego to some degree to keep ourselves intact in daily life.  This helps us strive to grow, regroup after a mistake, be proud of our accomplishments, share life experience, ask for and offer help.  What happens is that our Ego can get out of control.  And it gets addicted to blocking the light of day from the rest of our inner lives plus the Ego and emotions of those around you.  

My Best Ego elevates your Ego – for positive results that can be shared.  Shared not only on Instagram but in conversation for the benefit of you and someone else; spouse or colleague or sibling or neighbour.   Use My Best Ego to Seek in your spouse her My Best Ego.  To Seek with anything less delivers dollar store quality results:  in the moment it suffices but you may find yourself repeating the same arguments all over again quite soon.  As a result you have learned little about the person you are married to and become the punching bag for their lack of emotional development.

Your Ego is based on how you feel about how you feel.  

My Best Ego generates opportunities for Fulfillment and Satisfaction that can be shared.

My Best Ego is you improving your fluency in human qualities of: persistence, Belief, patience, resilience, resourcefulness, forgiveness, optimism and maintaining standards. 

Read

The Fabulous work by Gail Sheehy in all things relationship. Written in 1998 it illustrates that wisdom stands the test of time and applies equally among gender and race. https://www.amazon.ca/Understanding-Mens-Passages-Discovering-Lives/dp/0345406907

Mind Sprouts

You as a woman want to be loved in a way that says you are uniquely special.  You know your dedication to your marriage/family is powered by your desire to love fully, naturally, confidently and your instinct will be supported by your spouse.

Love in the Time of Coronavirus

We live in a different world than we did 2 months ago. And our world will be again made different by the regulations and fears that accompany the re-ignition of daily life in the weeks and months when quarantines are lifted.

We live on a different planet than the characters in Gabriel Garcia Marquez 1985 novel, Love In The Time of Cholera. Taking place from 1880 – 1930 likely in Colombia. The protagonists profess their long distance love by telegraph and hand written letters that can take days and weeks to finally get read and be replied to. Nowadays we tweet, text and FaceTime in the moment – all the time. The content of the messages is the same. In the south and the north we are all searching for the same thing.

To love and be loved.

Photo by Luis Vidal on Unsplash

Fast forward 100 years or so and we can exchange Cholera for Coronavirus. Both are infectious diseases that can cause death. For that matter one might say there are some similarities with love.

What have we learned? About love and infection.

Here is a story from the here and now.

She brought her daughter and a dog. He had his 2 children and a dog. They married and added a child of their own. They came from contrasting cultures. Something happened to harmony. Not overnight.

For this man and woman now their many relationships as spouses, parents, step mom/dad and with in-laws are to some degree: disastrous, toxic and dangerous to all participants. Who is to blame?

We can blame him for sure. Because his patience ran out. We can also blame her because she doesn’t have anymore patience. We can definitely blame their parents who didn’t use all those years guide them into the necessary Self-Love. Add to your Coronaworld those infuriating times in a marriage and you have a recipe for disaster. We all need a good dose of Self-Love to get through the disruption and uncertainty that is Your Life During Coronavirus.

The more Self-Love we can muster these days then the less like a personal attack this whole situation can feel. While we are all doing some version of ‘sheltering in place’ or self-isolation or social distancing or quarantine we need to adjust to our new circumstance or get adjusted by it. There is no commuting to work, drive-through coffee, popping out for lunch, office flirting, useless meetings to complain about, personal space or no stories of what happened today at work or school.

We all need to give each other and ourselves a break because nobody saw this pandemic coming. Except Bill Gates. Many years and millions of dollars of donations ago.

Photo by Jove Duero on Unsplash

Love in the Time of Coronavirus is love of the imperfect you. Love of the grace of planet Earth. Loving the feeling of breathing in fresh spring air in a time when it might be dangerous to breathe. Love of forgiving and being forgiven – quickly when possible. Slowly when not.

Offering your smile to someone else is Self-Love. Complimenting their cooking is Self-Love; so is waking the dishes. People laughing at you instead of your dumb joke takes a fair amount of Self-Love. Belief in a life journey takes Self-love because it means you know that you are part of something bigger than daily life. Refining your habits, routines and rituals in order to offer your spouse a Satisfied husband is a good example of Self-Love. Because you want your Self-Love to be a part of your spouse’s happiness.

The $12 Vacuum

Many a car’s mechanical problems can be related to how often you change the engine oil. The more often you change it the cleaner, the saying goes, it runs. Also it means the mechanic is rooting around under your hood to see or hear if something is wrong. Which not coincidentally generates more business for the garage. If in fact he finds something wrong then you are doing preventative maintenance which is almost always cheaper than repairs. Not only with cars but just about everything else.

Photo by Lukas ter Poorten on Unsplash

Take our vacuum for example. We bought it second hand because my wife’s experience is that you spend a $150 or usually more on a new vacuum and more likely than not it is giving you headaches within 6 months. Funny when I was growing up we had an emerald green Electrolux whose design was inspired by one of the characters in the canteen from the movie Star Wars. The thing lasted easily 15 years. Suction wasn’t great those last few years. That was still in the day of the vacuum bag that filled up and you had to toss. I think the whole thing was designed around selling vacuum bags because they weren’t very big and it was pretty awkward to empty them out and try and re-use.

Now our vacuum looks like son of Electrolux: turquoise with a mini body for the dirt receptacle. Nowadays we just empty out the dirt receptacle and keep going. And that is what the people who dropped it off at the donation centre where we bought it must have done because I fired it up and the smell as atrocious. A warm, old shoe bad smell filled our condo. Neither the previous guys nor the donation centre thought to clean the filter. Nor did I when I bought it:) So the filter got cleaned and boom the vacuum is awesome and is running to this day. I think it cost $12. No bags. No fuss.

I have seen the same thing happen with our sink, the fan above the stove, the drain in the shower: you have to clean out the filter to keep things running smoothly (and without a nasty smell.). The same applies to people. I remember in my early working days I didn’t have much money so I didn’t eat well. It didn’t help that I was single, living on my own with limited cooking experience. My home cooked food consisted of lots of toast and canned soup for dinner. Breakfast was a coffee and donut. Lunch would have included the occasional veggie. Whadaya know? I ended up in the clinic with an obstructed bowel. It was painful. Just knocked me out for a few days with no energy. No other symptoms. The doctor said I needed fibre which translates into leafy greens and colourful fruit. In other words I needed to unclog the drain or change the oil. I needed to clean my filter. Physically.

That has happened to me mentally as well. Where I need to learn a new concept about someone or something. As our two daughters get older I need to understand that I am not their only source of info and entertainment or decision making. I must realize they are moving through stages in life rapidly and I have to update myself at the same pace or risk making myself obsolete. It doesn’t mean letting them do everything they want and talking about every single meme they find on their phone. It just means be agile with my role as their dad.

With my wife I need to listen to her ever changing situation with menopause. I need to be confident in our connection and lovingly efficient in grasping where we are today. It’s not boring. I prefer it to a habitual life that is not challenging. I am not going to hold menopause against my wife – that would be stupid. There is no time or space to be acrimonious. I prefer to love and be loved. Loving the menopausal version of my wife means I need to have a good memory, want her to be healthy, be able to ride the roller coaster again and again without getting off. Woohoo!! Just be there for her. I am tall enough to ride that ride:)

I see it comes to updating what I want and what I believe. I want my wife to be happy. I believe our marriage is working. Some days it works like a Tesla model X – fast and curious. Other days it’s like a 1973 Westphalia camper van – lots of baggage and going pretty slow.

Photo by Vlad Tchompalov on Unsplash

Even Telsas have filters that need maintenance.

I find if I clean up the filter, be it the backlog of things my wife has asked me to do (throw out my good boxes cardboard goes I have piled up) or not to do (fall asleep on the couch) we do pretty well. Being in good physical shape and having some sense of your soul are other self tasks to keep things turning over.

When was the last time you cleaned your filter?

FF4 – Daughters

Female Frixion Series #4

Sean Kong on Unsplash

The teachers knew that her home life was tempestuous. Occasionally no lunch to eat at lunchtime. Waiting outside the school for half an hour or hour every now and again for someone to pick her up.

She was 8. Her instinct told her it was wrong for her dad to smash her mother’s face in. Still she lived through the many years of lots of blood and stitches. At 18 years old she called the cops on her abusing father. He never hit her mother again; Even when he came back to the house to live. The damage was done.

My wife, who was the 8 year old girl with no lunch, is still traumatized. But, refusing to be a victim her proactive nature helps her as a mother raising our girls to know their abilities and responsibilities. They are to be responsible for their own income so they don’t have to put up with any garbage from the father of their children based on financial need. They are responsible for their own emotions. They can cook (clean – not so much). They have shown they can love and be loved. They want to love and be loved. And not just by their mom. They are realizing they have the abilities to start and run their own business.

Andrew Neel on Unsplash

We either want our children to replicate one of our childhood experiences when we feel it was an important ingredient in the good person part of us or we want to help them avoid like the plague a negative experience that has kept us from being happier. Happier and just overall better. Because had we been able to avoid that detrimental experience in our formation we might have been able to maintain our natural connection with the true trajectory of our life.

It’s painful for a parent to see when someone or some event deviates their child from their flourishing and self realization. It’s really painful when that someone is the daughter herself because she has low self esteem. Yet it’s more painful when the obstacle to a dynamic daughter is mama herself.

Jhon David on Unsplash

So a mother will, out of unselfish love, superimpose her Female Frixion onto her daughter thinking the same thing that screwed up her high school years will befall her daughter. This can mean mother’s care doesn’t allow her to listen to what is actually happening in her daughter’s life.

As for the daughter when does she become aware of the feeling of the frixion? She is just learning about the nastiness that life can throw at a woman. Mom knows too well the variety, degree and damage of the nastiness.

The daughter is intensely living the adventure/romance aspect of life. She juggles some career preparation (school) and is being heavily influenced by the mothering vignettes she absorbs.

Olivia Connell on Unsplash

Mom is feeling the reality of the Female Frixion and wants her daughter’s life to have better everything: Better romantic life, better career path, a better mother experience than hers. Mom’s intention is sincere but quite difficult to accept by a daughter whose focus is feeling her emotions in the moment. Cue the screaming, insults and slamming bedroom doors followed by 🤬.

It is vital a mother participates in her daughter’s understanding of the Female frixion. It is equally important that it be understood by all (mom, daughter, dad, brother, boyfriend, grandma) that the daughter’s version and expression of the Female Frixion will be unique. Therefore different to mom’s. Likely messy and frightening(for mom). Still equally as valid as mom’s.

Mom and daughter will have different ratios of the 3 roles, different timings of each role flourishing, varying resources to stick handle the friction at work and home.

Maybe the daughter has children. Maybe not. Maybe she gets married. Maybe not. Maybe she runs her own business. Maybe not.

A daughter needs her mother.

Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Daughters need to listen to mothers.

Daughters need to hear from their mother about the Female Frixion. What it is, how to deal with it internally and how to communicate it.

Can mothers use their beautiful-potent-mother-love with finesse so their daughter’s development is not the sequel of their mother’s childhood longings and life traumas?

Not easy.