Life Stages: An Excerpt from a book in progress about Satisfaction


U smile.  Justin Bieber’s anthem on the infectiousness of infatuation.  Both people are smiling for the same reason but doing so each in their unique way.

Likewise, we all have a unique response to Life Stages.  Some guys don’t move out of their parents basement until they are 32 years old (because their parents sold the house).  Then there are the girls who get kicked out of the house when they get pregnant at 18 years old.  

So there can be confusion. For the young woman she will be a mother by the time she is 19 years old yet she is barely entering the adult stage.  The maternal role can be forced on a woman quite early so she finds herself late at night panicked by her baby that doesn’t stop crying.   That same night her teenaged friends are posting on instagram from an awesome party with no worries about motherhood.  Then again a 38 year old woman can yearn for years until pregnancy magically arrives.  Both are valid expressions of Maternal life of a woman.  Hopefully they are accompanied by an equally valid expression of a Paternal life from the man, the father. 

Just take a look at The Bieber himself.  His Professional Life ignited at 13 years old when he was discovered in Stratford, Ontario by music promoter Scooter Braun.  Considering his age he handled himself with aplomb.  His response to the call to come into his own as an adult has been well documented on social media.  He mixes a double hydrogen dose of humility with the oxygen of confidence giving life to his broad range of talents. His emergence from a boy into a man has been a struggle just like it is for you and me.  

Life Stages aren’t the same as Life Roles.  Life Stages are the development episodes of life from radiant newborn to marvellous infant and quickly into curious child.  The child lurches towards adolescence when, as teenagers, we battle with the intensity of youth.  The intensity of youth is almost smothered by the responsibility felt by the adult life.  Then the (in)famous midlife:  what will the midlife crisis reveal? As if emerging from a pressure chamber we appear as an elder.

The Life Roles of Maternal/Paternal, Professional and Romantic are addressed in another chapter. These Roles are another world unto themselves that we have to manage at the same time as grow and develop.  By no means are Life Stages the same as the various parenting tasks or marriage realities.  Regardless if you have a life partner, get married or have children you will be processed by these Life Stages all the same way.  

Having children, while its impact is undeniable, does not make any Life Stage more difficult unto itself.  Anyone will have less time and energy to think about where they are on the metamorphosis of maturity if you have 3 children under the age of 5.   Inevitably your sense of Satisfaction or Fulfillment will be complicated by the moment to moment experience of your life partner in their current Life Stage. 

Being single means you have the freedom to complicate your own life.  And as quickly simplify it.  A 45 year old man married for 23 years and a single man of the same age can equally draw anxiety or Satisfaction from their Life Stage.  They will rationalize the negative or positive of their life through the range of events with people, emotions and emotional baggage in their life.

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The three Life Stages are: Youth, Adult and Elder.  They are ready with experiences and uncertainty.  Hey, are we going to find love and all the healing that comes with that?

Each stage has its function:  Youth is to gorge on experience and program you for the challenges to come; Being in the Adult role is to apply your personal algorithms to life so that you can actually grow and not feel left behind. Elder is to beacon into the generations that follow from your inner core the path forward.  Elders offering settlement and belief is crucial for the people in mid-life who are stressing with payments and relationships and the undercurrent of meaning or purpose.  

   

Photo by Margarida CSilva on Unsplash

You are responsible for you in all Life Stages – You are accountable for your actions.  You are the generator of your own emotions.  Nobody has control over you.  No matter how much you get frustrated and angry because you don’t understand your wife.  No matter how confused you get about what you want and why.  No matter how bad you think you look.  For everyone the stages of life cause us to feel out of sorts  So it is good to partner with whatever will outlive your current stage in life.  Of course one candidate for partnership is your ego that will never leave your side until your dying day.  Another potential partner is your soul. Unlike the ego, the soul is true to your growth as a person and a human.  

Taking responsibility for our Emotions is a fabulous personal development step to offer our life partner.  You can be right.  You might be wrong.  You probably forget.  We all do.  What is the challenge is to be accountable for our words and actions.  More to the point is to understand the ripples and waves that we can cause in others.  Ripples of amusement or frustration; waves of love and appreciation.

Please Remember: Your soul will never leave you, it is always true to your Satisfaction and Fulfillment.

  

Mind Sprouts:  About mid-life – it is a natural stage lasting a decade or so and unto itself does not come prepackaged with a crisis.  We create the crisis.  When we can’t find a purpose we create drama.  Welcome to your crisis.  If you are 45 years old then it gets labelled as your midlife crisis.  We all do dumb, or spontaneous or silly or regrettable things at different stages of life.  No doubt you have seen, or been the guy with the sporty yellow convertible that is a man cave on wheels.    

Mid life is a re-orientation.  The crisis comes from lacking orientation before getting to mid life.  So it makes a lot of sense if you feel unoriented and fall into panic because something is lacking in life …. there is an elusive Satisfaction at some level …

Previous to mid life we were growing as a preponderance.  Somewhere around mid life, growing gets accompanied by the development of our Higher Soul response to life. Whether we are aware of it or not. Our body and soul are expecting us to answer a calling or a nudge for a Devotional life.   A Devotional life can yank us out of any mid life potholes.  A life with purpose can transcend some or all of the weight of depression.  

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Believe it or Not: Who you marry is not who you divorce.  What?  Yes it is the same person but not the same woman.  The person you are divorcing is not the woman who said yes to ‘Will you marry me?’.  Here there is zero (0) room for blame. If someone refuses to let themselves be urged by the Human Soul into the man they are meant to be then they end up changing without growing.   We all change.  We always change.  That’s the force of the trajectory of Life Stages  The conflict comes when we don’t keep up with the change by accompanying inevitable change with personal growth.  Grasp the difference between change and growth.  Change is the same person in different clothes.  Growth is you with new power that you learn to connect to.  Growth is you learning that loving yourself is at the same time simple yet weird and beautiful.  Growth is keeping up with the moving sidewalk that is the process of Life Stages. 

You decide.  Daily.  You can stagnate.  Or you can Grow.  Leading yourself to developing your Personal Religious Life.  Think Transcendence. Think My Best Ego.  

Know this: What you want and the Life Stage you find yourself in are distinct.  They can seem to be aligned to the same goal of your happiness and success.  They can also be adversarial.  As a means to not have your life direction usurped by the demands of any Life Stage yet at the same time not running away from the reality of where you are now, it is useful to decide what you want.  It’s a lifelong process to repeatedly declare and refine what you want then follow through with action.  Decide and communicate what you want as a: spouse, man/woman, parent, human. Have the humility, agility and confidence to provide constancy in their pursuit.

Nothing Personal.  Satisfaction is you getting to your limit of deriving value from the experience.  Sometimes we never can get enough: think of sports, drinking, gossip, shopping.

Life stages finish according to their schedules regardless if you were the best or the worst at that stage.  Regardless if you did what you said you were going to do.  Regardless if your wife knows that you really do love her for who she is. 

Read – Erik Erikson, the German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst is known for his theory of psychosocial development.  In The 8 Stages of Human Development there are very useful ‘conflicts’ that are highlighted that help us grasp what each stage is asking of us as we move through life.  Themes like Intimacy versus Isolation and Generativity versus Stagnation  are two that seem to apply well to a man’s need for Satisfaction and a woman’s need for Fulfillment.

The following link provides a brief overview of this theory as well as some good references for further research: https://www.halffullnotempty.com/eriksons-8-stages/

Nature analogy  The opportunity to see our reflection in nature with respect to Life Stages is abundant:  The seed is a magical germination, the roots are reaching out for  minerals, sprouts break through the earth with focus, the trunk surges towards a life giving sun, a blossoming of colour and fragrance accompanied by a fruit carrying the seed of the next generation.  

Photo by Kendall Young on Unsplash

Question:  Can you discern how the Life Stage you are growing in impacts your decision making?

If you have a few minutes take a look at a relevant post.

https://wild-coach.com/2020/03/05/the-intensity/

Transcendence – An excerpt from a book on Satisfaction

Photo by Devon Hawkins on Unsplash

In the chapter on Habits, Routines and Rituals we saw how champion chess player Bobby Fischer was able to rise above his own, widely known and expected, opening Routine in order to win.  He made the moment more important than the past.  Instead of the assumption he would start with 1e4, he opened 1c4. For me a no chess layer the change is minimal but in the chess world of the moment it was brilliant mayhem. 1e4 means moving your pawn that is in front of your queen 2 spaces forward. 1c4 is moving your pawn in front of your bishop 2 spaces forward. In the intense public spotlight and with years of the same opening move of he was still able to think for himself.  He was in service to a higher master: world champion status.

And this is the challenge.  In the moment of battle, be it world chess championship or an argument in your marriage or a strategic decision at work, can you address the adversarial with spontaneity.  Is there a higher level of meaning or connection that you seek?  This search for the way forward will lubricate your options at operational levels.  Like when you give in and just agree with your wife when things get heated just to avoid a yelling match. You go beyond you …

Be Self Transcendental…  It is mystical sounding terminology.  Mysterious allusions to sessions wafting with incense and ensconced in chanting.  What it boils down to is you getting over yourself. Getting over your low emotions about what is happening to you.  Getting over your reaction to the Life Stage you are experiencing.  Getting over your lack of foresight and your lack of discipline or spontaneity and self belief.  

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Transcending your history allows you to be persuaded by your instinct, so the moment flows through you, the light radiates out from you.

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The world doesn’t need your version of the hero/victim emotional pendulum.  Meaning that you think your ideas are awesome yet you still feel you are still under appreciated and hard done by life.  As a result you are going to usurp your conversations at work etc. as your therapy.  So that when you are finished talking you feel better.  Even though it can be made sense of it is not fair to conversation. Or the other person.  

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The nature of conversation is therapeutic.  It is the back and forth aspect of people emptying out that massages their existing and exiting feelings and ideas so they can bring in new ones.  It is the give and take of talk and listen, of confirm and refine. It’s refusing to be brought down by a person or topic while resisting judging others for where they are in the moment.  If we realize how to benefit from it, conversation offers transcendence.

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How do you transcend the darkness and step toward the light  – by yourself and for yourself? How do you use your past and not be used by it?  How do you rise above your fear, your stress, your limits, your anger and assumptions?  

Awesome transcendence options include:

  • Seeking a connection with nature
  • Offering others a person on a development journey
  • Updating your Beliefs
  • Highlighting Your Best Ego
  • Being responsible for your High and Low Emotions
  • Forgive.

Mind Sprout: Transcending yesterday’s Satisfaction to get a new, different Satisfaction does not make yesterday dumb or waste of time. That is how growth works. Who knows exactly why you had to be the way you were yesterday.

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  • Change is not the focus.  That’s doing things the hard way. . That’s the style of military basic training.   Where they break down the new recruits as a means to build them back up again according to military objectives.  This way those young men think they owe the military inhuman loyalty for making them a man; for providing them some sense of belonging and a purpose.  Well.  Those military psychologists are on the mark that the vitality generating exercises recruits perform accompanied by the camaraderie are crucial components of a healthy person.  The military, ISIS among others, are abundantly aware that a young man craves direction like a heroin addict scrounging for their next high.  

Juxtapose the previous with the following

  • Improve the connection with what is possible as opposed to breaking what made us impossible.  What is possible?  Us the intuitive, us the provocative and proactive, us the inspired, the spontaneous.

Please Remember 

1. You have ways, many ways to elevate into the person you want to be; the person your soul knows you to be.

2. In a moment of reflection … imagine … there you are, on the balcony, cupping, smelling your hot coffee, as the morning is in the throes of dawn. You feel that you have the embers of vitality, animated with your breath to fuel the flames of curiosity.  You radiate the magnetism of belonging so others are intrigued by you.  Your sense of direction nurtures others much like the forest canopy provides cover to the new growth in the forest floor.     

Challenge in Nature:  Walk slow.   Walk differently.  Our gait gets set when we are young.  It is amazing how difficult it can be to be conscious of our gait and walk differently than we normally do.  Go to the park or back yard and if possible take your shoes off – check for dog poo first!:)  Nature will join you on your little barefoot journey.  Walk slow, walk differently.  Try to walk a bit more on your toes, or roll your feet a bit more.  Give it time today, or another day.  The work is to be aware of you being different while actually remaining loyal to who you are.  Sounds weird.  So get out there!

Take the time and know it is valid to find or create your ways to elevate into the you of now, the you of vigour, vision and vitality.

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UPDATE YOUR BELIEFS

It’s ok if you don’t really know what you are doing.  It’s ok if you do.  It’s ok if you know what you stand for.  What do you stand for?  You stand for something you understand. You stand for a principle you uphold. You stand for your marriage being real, alive, supportive of the man’s journey into the unknown.

Share a bit of your vulnerability about you morphing over time into a different, newer you.  To share your desire to grow.  To transcend your education, your era, your ancestors.

Transcendental Meditation (TM) emerged out of India coming to the west in the 60’s.  TM  is a technique for avoiding distracting thoughts and promoting a state of relaxed awareness. The late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi derived TM from the ancient Vedic tradition of India. He brought the technique to the U.S. in the 1960s. 

One way to think about TM was that it took out the poses out of yoga and left you with breathing and mental imaging.

Breathing can aid you in transcending the many stresses of life.  Mental imaging is activated to focus your energy on the growing side of stress.  From the positive side of stress declare your beliefs.  The debilitating side of stress we probably all know well.  

Satisfaction is related to and impacted by stress, change, challenge, failure, growth, different, new, dread, negativity, unknown, lies, poor eldership by ancestors.  This range of stress will highlight both your strengths and weaknesses that naturally are revealed by each Life Stage.

One of the messages of Jesus could be categorized as ‘be transcendental about yourself’. 

In other words; Get over yourself.

Instead of the tyranny of your feelings, make something else the first consideration in the process of understanding. That ‘something else’ is what you stand for.

Photo by Tamarcus Brown on Unsplash

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YOUR BEST EGO

Get over what your Ego is screaming at you and strain to hear the nuances of Your Best Ego.  

Your Ego is like industrial farming – based on numbers and not vitamins, succumbing to shareholders and not natural planetary processes, satisfying the fertilizer salesperson and not your instinct.

Your Best Ego is like organic farming – that can let land fallow because it is not addicted to now/profits/expansion but rather on a journey of learning and growing.  There is variety and companion planting.

Self Transcendental is catching up  with your Life Trajectory.  Your Life Trajectory is inclusive of Your Best Ego and understanding of the Male Stack and Female Frixion.  Low emotional baggage is filtered out.  Your low emotional baggage will accompany you at the expense of learning and growing and sharing.   That’s a hefty baggage fee.

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Humility = Humanity = Humility

Self Transcendental is in the moment.  A moment shared with inner and outer lives:

Inner lives of Peace, Satisfaction, Belief, Connection, Vision.

Outer Lives of accomplishment, belonging, service, happiness, challenge, growth.

Transcendence is a bridge.  A bridging.  

It relieves us of our downward facing habits like: judgement, grudges, comparison, negativity, excuses, jealousy, ______________, _____________.

These misdirected habits, like judgement, are Minimizing Marauders.  They minimize you. Minimize your abilities.  Minimizes the female instinct.  Minimize the opportunity that offers itself in the moment.  They reduce the value of your willingness to love and be loved.  They suction out your Belief in Marriage.  They make you good at being mentally critical of your wife for being a woman.  They are nasty.

Picture that in your unconscious urge to transcend these Minimizing agents of nastiness fall like coins from your pocket.  As you cross the bridge of transcendence into the New You these coins fall from your grasp.  They tumble through the wood planks of the swinging suspension bridge.   You can either grab the railing for stability and stay standing as the coins fall into the deep, narrow, cold river with a minute splash – gone – as you move forward feeling the wisps of clean mist rising from below.  Or you can try and grasp those falling coins (agents of nastiness)  prostrating to money on the planks of the bridge clutching a few coins, not having taken the step to step into today.  

Your activated Vision is vital so you can see in your mind what you want to become.  That’s why your Updated Beliefs are beautiful fuel so you can feel in your blood the man you are in the moment.  Transcend the excuses and ridicule, the mistakes and regret.  Your Satisfaction Skills are so much stronger than immature ridicule .  Satisfaction Skills include: getting stuff done, knowing how to delegate, being an awesome teacher, _______________________, ______________________, __________________.     

Transcendence causes change.  Change can make us feel vulnerable.  Change can be mislabeled and vilified by Ego based fear subscribing leeches.  Don’t listen to them.  Transcendence is a process to the New You.  The New You will be received, loved and accepted just like the old you was received.  The thing is the old you had a best-before-date of yesterday and the New You has a best-before-date of tomorrow.  It’s a constant flow that uses your Inner Lives … to be you in the moment. The moment will renew and so will you. The New You emits constancy of Peace, Belief, Connection, Vision and Satisfaction. 

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Forgive:  

Gravitate to the love. To let go of the old.  Your former you doesn’t give you as good results as the new, as the now.  In comparison the old you is stale, inflexible, brittle, musty and rusty.  The task at hand is to harvest the residue of human qualities from your past experiences that now reside in your inner Life.  Your past is valid and necessary as part of your foundation for growth of your version of a man.

Why?  To offer to your spouse the real you, you of the moment with all your constant qualities and a history of success  [???]

How?  Breathe, smile, straighten your posture, laugh, share.  Understand that we do things because of the power of the Life Stage we are living working through our Ego working towards My Best Ego

Breathe …

Count in – 1,2,3 (deeper breath) …….4..5..6 (breathe into your pelvis) …….7…8…9…… Let the old yield to history and the new reveal you.

Take a moment – take a look – 1 Minute Wilderness:   https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/902

The thing is the more we focus on the need to forgive, the process of forgiveness, what we need to forgive in ourselves and others we are submerging ourselves in yesterday.  Making the past the focus.  We are walking backwards while trying to get on the bus to the future.  That can make a lot of unnecessary work for others.  Others  need to know that they are forgiven or we forgive ourselves without reliving the whole incident.  It’s painful to poke old scars and opens healed wounds. A more fruitful focus is what we learned about ourselves, others, doing stupid things and how life stages can make something seem vital to us in the moment.  Exhibit that you have learned by what you do.  Let them hear it in your decision making.  Let them see it in your eyes when you ask a question then shut up to listen. 

 

Elevate.  Find a reason for what you do.  Adhere to that reason. A reason higher, greater than you reveals another aspect of you that is beautifully simple while being enigmatically you.  A powerful reason is to be immortal.  It was born before you and continues after you are gone.  Over the first 18-20 years of life we are being repeatedly handed the baton of self-responsibility.   The beliefs and values of those who nurtured us often become ours through osmosis.  Updating them makes them yours.  And that actually makes our parents so proud, when we take the family baton from them and do better than they did in their day.  We carry their admirable qualities of humility, companionship, support, agility, constancy as our inheritance.  At the same time we elevate above their downward facing habits, failures and arrogance before their instinct.  Elevate above the Ego of the moment letting yourself be pulled up into perception by your reason for action and your desire to see it made real.   This power fuels your service.

Service. 

Service takes so many forms and expressions. We all know what it means because we have been put into a situation of service having raised children, helped siblings and cared for aging parents.  

Parenting is a service industry that we signed up for with no pay but lots of incredibly rewarding moments, feedback, suggestions, arguments, disappointments, complaints and challenges to the ego that are answered with growth.  Being a spouse is the same.

None of these service roles include violence.  They do include communicating to generate understanding.  That’s what this book is about – creating your own avenues of communication, expression, stress relief and Satisfaction.  It’s about the you that is emotionally agile enough to offer your spouse support for her Fulfillment without the threat, hint or image of violence: sexual, physical, emotional, psychological using money, guilt or force.

We need to find something in the marriage or realize something about our wife to be of service to.  For many reasons.  Help others who need help.  Service offers our qualities towards making things better.  We get Satisfaction of being valued.  At the end of the day we are not wanting for Satisfaction and so offer our wife a man that is: peaceful, cooperative and warm. 

Service can be: coaching, volunteering to talk with elders or pick up windswept coffee cups in the park or accompany a blind person or cook at a homeless shelter.

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Perception.  

Let’s say perception is you thinking outside the box ( the box that men put themselves in);  You tapping The New You on the shoulder and asking for advice.  It is almost for certain that your life is framed by societal understanding of you as a man.  However the misunderstanding of the abilities of a man, especially in relation to a woman, is rampant.  This vacuum of value for a man’s nature is not limited to any culture or race or socio-econimic class.  We all underestimate the man that you are.  It is the man that you have become that won’t let us talk to the real you – the New You.  The New You loves perception.  The man you actually are responds to the human instinct.

How do we meet this fabulous guy?  This perceptive, instinctual dude?  How will I recognize him if he is new …?

This seems to be a major reason for using psychedelics.  Get past the conscious brain so your creativity creek can tribute into the flow of the river of innovation. Psychedelics, nowadays being used in micro-doses can do the heavy lifting of leapfrogging our mental pathways, negative or creative, to perception, to germinate innovation, enlightenment, possibly forgiveness.  

There is a resurgence of psychedelics in behavioural research and bio-hacking.

Some famous and effective bio-hacking personalities are Tim Ferris https://tim.blog, Dave Asprey the Bulltetproof coffee guy https://blog.daveasprey.com/about-dave-asprey/.  They are excellent sources of information as a result of using their bodies as guinea pigs, their minds as test tubes, their lives as laboratories.  Doing whatever it takes; eating, climbing, swimming, fasting to increase the yield of your body and brain.  The guys who do this are bright and brave and I am not going to follow their path.

I would say we are in constant reception of soul micro dosing.  

David Bryce Yaden PhD. John Hopkins University is doing great research into what might be termed ‘soul hacking’. That would be another way of talking about the personal religious quest. A study of the Devotional and the daily life in cultures. The book is for academics but the search is for all of us.

If we eschew psychedelics there is a buffet of drugs on the market be that coffee, alcohol, delusion, love, work, money, success, sex and more.   It is likely that most if not all the things on this list of activities are not as effective to deliver perception.  Perception in this case being about The New You.  Who is this New You?! New Me?! 

This is a guy that already exists.  It is a guy that makes you look good, look smart, on the ball.  This guy is fast!  Fast at knowing how to join in or to go it alone.

He has the sensitivity to get Satisfaction and let Fulfillment happen.  

He uses the past and isn’t used by it.

He isn’t scared of the moment because he has no need to control it.  The moment is free and so is he.  Free to accept a compliment.  Free to stop, smile and tell his wife she smells great.

Willing to see he has changed as he is processed through the succession of life stages.  Realizing that his spouse will be similarly changed and it is his task to update himself with her growth.  Admire her belief in moving the marriage forward that requires the best of you. 

Leverage the future of the New You in negotiation with the Old You.

Scent Of A Woman: “I’ll Show You Out Of Order.”

Excerpt from book in progress about Satisfaction – Habit, Routines and Ritual

Photo by Anders Jildén on Unsplash

When I was ten years old I took my first communion.   Because I went to public elementary school I had to take catechism classes once a week at night at the Catholic school.  The Catholic school kids had their own mass for their first communion and then our public school group had ours a few Sundays later.  It was a spring day with a beautiful blue sky full of potential activity.  My parents made me wear a mustard yellow ascot to go with my burnt orange velvet blazer -the one with my dried snot on the right sleeve where I had wiped my nose which made my mom so mad.  She was right.  It really was a cool blazer.  It definitely wasn’t a blue suit.  

I can picture the photo of us outside on the church steps afterwards as we posed for the portrait of the moment.  My mom was shining her beautiful smile as always.  My dad was in full 1970’s style with the big tie and bigger sideburns.  Grandma, my dad’s mom,  was there in a nice baby blue dress.  She was of the era, born before 1900,  when you didn’t smile for photos.  She definitely didn’t break rank that day.

I got paired with a girl from our catechism class to take the Communion offering and collection up to the altar.  She got the money.  I took the Bread of Transcendence.  

I was really nervous as we walked up the aisle.  It was my first time.  There was nothing I was repeating.  No Habit to tyrannize me; no Routine to coach me.  The girl and I and everyone at mass were participating in a Ritual.  Called Communion.  This Communion ritual is the act of elevating the Daily version of ourselves to experience the Devotional one.    A communion of Daily and Devotional.

Priests, parents, teachers and Elders are understood to instruct the young on the arts and skills of releasing the Devotional into the Daily.  That means the religious service connects the participants with higher energy – Devotional; and young people need help to walk the talk of this life wisdom. Actually we all need guidance to process the impression of formal religion on our mind and soul so we can create habits that amount to a personal religion.   It might feel easier to release an elephant from the local zoo into your city centre than to step into your personal religion.  

Ritual abounds in religion, in sports, in art, in making tea, in meditation, in martial arts, in connecting with nature, in nature. Ritual is high intention combined with mental focus and followed through with an action that attracts confirmation from the higher purpose of those doing the ritual. The Ritual is a vehicle for the person to accumulate in their blood and bones the residue of higher forces. The sound, movements, words, songs, dances are in support of this human – energy connection. If we lose sight of this then what was supposed to be ritual becomes tradition.

This topic is important because all men are constantly receiving real energy to grow as a male, man and gentleman.  The confusion is while some guys seem to be able to manage their energy without getting into too much trouble, why do some men use the energy they receive to disrespect women through violence and other forms of aggression? 

The energy that powers a man is powerful.  If we suffer from an inability to give this power expression then we might: feel agitated, lack confidence, get crushed by depression.  And some of us get violent.  The violence can be swinging fists, hurling insults, sexual perversion to name a few of the many forms.  Instead what can be really useful for young men is to learn their unique energy management.   The violence against a woman can happen in a brief, horrible moment. But the frustration of a lack of self understanding in a man builds up in him over years. Bomb like. They can explode in a fit of violence, be detonated by a psychologist or be dismantled by the man himself.

That is why it is crucial to develop Habits, create Routine and be ready for Ritual. 

We are all allowed to get frustrated and talk about it.  Get angry about the frustration.  Anger doesn’t imply aggressive words or threatening stances or personal insults.  There is no blame.  A man is responsible for his energy management. That is something he needs help with.  Something he needs to learn and refine all life long. So when we have an argument with our wife there is no violence because we don’t have pent up energy. Instead we have some sense of momentary Satisfaction. Generated by Habits of cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen, checking your sports scores; Routines of taking the dog for her walk, of seeing your buddies in the weekend; Rituals of eating dinner together, of pursuing your personal religion. That way we have avenues of expression for our energy.    Because the frustration or disrespect or stress you bang up against in daily life is handled by a foundation of Habit, Routine and Ritual.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

There are lots of variations of energy in men including: sexual energy, Devotional energy where one is caused to look for meaning and a higher purpose, the energy that goes with their Life Stage, marriage energy and male energy to list a few.  It is good to recognize there is a lot going on all at the same time.  We all need help.  Conversation.  It is our role as a man to grasp the natural influences in our life and do something about them.  Your energy and how you react or respond to it actually has nothing to do with your wife or girlfriend.

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A quick word about sexual energy.  The human sexual energy is very strong.  It is not bad nor is it well understood.  It is not just sex.  Physical sex.  It is a range of creative powers that can result in a new business, a new relationship, a new recipe or even a new baby.  You see teenagers and some young adults, even some famous adults, who can’t think about anything else.    It makes their decisions for them. It runs their life. Their inability to resist it or manage it ruins their life.   For a pubescent teenager this makes sense it almost consumes their life because the connection with this energy is itself always new, so intense in the moment and powerful in its impact.   

Poor sexual energy management can have harming repercussions that cut deep and last years.   In marriage, family, society and men in general we generally make it difficult to talk about and direct this power.  The youth need guidance from elders like mom and dad.  And they need to do stuff that uses up the energy.  This is a huge challenge.  How do you use up the undeniable sexual energy running through the bodies of young people without it being physical sex?  Think sports, guitar lessons, dancing, hanging out, parties, fixing up your bike, fixing up your car, cleaning your room!, hiking, swimming, help them get a part time job, volunteering, anything and everything, … Keep thinking and doing and talking and guiding.

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When a man is beyond the reach of his elders because he won’t listen to them, they aren’t worth listening to or he has simply outgrown them in his case – how does he know when and how to use the natural sexual energy?   Hopefully throughout this book there are ideas and inspirations that generate avenues of investigation and belief that help in this aspect.

Please remember that sexual energy and your Devotional energy are not the same thing and should never be confused.  Both can have an aspect of attraction/calling, companionship, loving and being loved, connection and an impulse for meaning that drives you to do things you wouldn’t do yourself.  But they are not the same.  Those in positions of power that they wield to confuse others about these two natural energies are misusing their power.  The priests of the Catholic church has a lot of damaging experience in this territory.

This book is written to create some distance between all men and this confusion of sexual/devotional energy mentioned above.  We urgently need passion and ideas and people to clarify a man’s path forward and specifically highlight the unique man they may see before themselves.  

It is vital to grasp that this is a daily challenge for a man.  The challenge of finding his path forward using his unique abilities to synthesize the task at hand into daily life in a satisfaction producing way.  This urge upon him for self-realization is non stop.  At times subtle.  At times shouting.  At times a beautiful congress in the moment of  life trajectory and courage. At times a complete mess of what he wants in contrast to what he is doing and what he thinks he should do.   Some guys can wake up and even before they open their eyes they are already depressed!  And others wake up without an alarm at 4:30 am everyday to: work out, meditate, write, make breakfast and then get to work by 6:30? 

Habits can categorize a man’s energy.  Routines can process it.  Rituals can reveal it.

You can’t talk about Habits without mentioning Routine. With a mention of routine then the next logical step is to see the where and when of Ritual. If it this isn’t your experience then you need to create the circumstance and meet the people and ask yourself the questions to generate your own purpose. In the moment that can make us vulnerable to not know the way forward and ask for directions. And it can also can take us to new places and introduce us to the New You.

Stanford University psychology professor BJ Fogg has a good grasp on the aspect of habit as a way to improve daily life. He has been looking into the topic for many years and has many anecdotes to share in his book Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything. He is practical in finding how to side step self sabotage on the journey of growth. It is annoying for those of us who think we are maximizing our time and producing based on our work habits. Take a look.

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It’s all in your head. And it is also in your blood and bones. A few connections to ponder:

Ritual – Projection – Energy – Beliefs

Routine – Imagination – Power – Prayer

Habit – Location – Strength – Declaration

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Tradition can be reduced to a routine, converted into a ritual minimized, squeezed into a habit.   Or you can build your own traditions that have the power of Habit, the reliability of routine and the Attractive energy of Ritual.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

For guys to hear mention of the word ritual they can go down four different mental paths. 

1 .Ritual to mean religious ritual that is something you do in a temple/house of worship and it has always been like that, you unconsciously repeat a few prayers and you are done.  Whether there has been a transformative process is another question; 

2. New Age flaky ritual based in ancient traditions with everyone bearfoot, wearing white and chaniting themselves into a trance.  Perhaps the greatest difference between these first two types of rituals is that the New Age one is probably more effective at delivering on the concept of a transformation.

3.  The ritual display that guys know is in sports: The goalie goes onto the ice first. Or the quarterback puts eye black under his eyes (TB12) because that’s what he always does to get him to his peak performance.  

4.   The ritual well known through the animal world: mating.  This ritual can take place at any hour in any place.  Popular mating ritual temples are bars on Friday night.  However increasingly the ritual has gone online.  The ritual nowadays amounts to swiping right.  Dating apps and websites made famous by Tinder. 

Write On:

What is a habit you:

Have

Want

What is a Routine you:

Can develop

Can refine

What is a Ritual you:

Can enliven with your Belief

Can create to connect with nature

Excerpt – Men

An excerpt from a book in progress about Satisfaction.

 

Photo by David Billings on Unsplash

Men: A Declaration 

Untangling ourselves from the many demands and distractions of life,

It is the task to remember and to realize …

A Man is a Vibrant Power.

With a Willingness that is Clean.

With an Agility that is True.

He Seeks how to Help and be Helped,

As one of his expressions of Loving and Being Loved.

He insists on finding a way to grow

and bask in the flourishing of others.

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This is you.  You know it. You love it. And then life happens.  Life Stages contort us.  Stress manhandles us.  Age changes us. Both husband and wife can feel when this declaration above doesn’t describe the man in their midst.

No big deal really.  If he can get his boot in the stirrup to get back in the saddle.  If he knows how he can find his power. To do and to be. 

A woman loves her nurturing nature.  She savours the fulfillment when she can embody her nature.   When that nature gets usurped by ‘saving her toxic boyfriend from himself’ then the morass of emotion that ensues is bottomless.  The problem is when he can’t find the stirrup, or his power or doesn’t know where he is at.    

Man Formula  

Man = Control x Dexterity + Purpose

Or

Man = Versatile/The Moment x Love.

Go for it.  What is your Man Formula?  

Man = ________________________ + ____________________ / __________________

Man = ________________________ x ____________________ + __________________

If you are reading this on a device then in your cell phone put your ideas in notes.

There is no right response.  There is you, the moment and the man you want to be.

Is your Man Formula an algorithm for reliable growth or a declaration of predictability?

In the moment whatever is needed of the man for his own Satisfaction or in service to others is the Formula for that moment.  And that is a big part of how men can fumble and stumble.  This feeling of being lost.   The idea they are not valued.  Not knowing what they want because things move too fast for their This-is-the-man-I-have-become Mind Set. 

Man Cave

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus written by John Gray in 1992 is a seminal work on relationships.  From there we get a concrete identification of the Man Cave.

To hear the man himself take a look at this TedTalk:

The Man Cave of my childhood was my dad in his furnace room.  I was born after he had established that dark, hot cramped room as his retreat.  There were no windows in that basement emotional hideout.   But it did have all kinds of little nooks where you could hide a mickey of whisky.  He kept tools and screws, seasonal clothes and various knick knacks collected from trips.  He also kept all kinds of sports jerseys and equipment long after it was of use except to act as his personal jailer that wouldn’t let him join the present moment.  You had to be very careful if you wanted to get rid of anything from his cave. 

There was actually a lot of love he had for being a father that, if he could have grown some emotional agility, could have been repurposed.  Instead he spent his time rearranging running shoes and ski boots completely cut off from any sense of togetherness.  Imagine if he had received the guidance from his father or other family members about how to deal with the emotional challenge of being a man in the succession of development stages of life.  He could have still been the king of his Man Cave – no one was going to take it away.  His cave could have been an engine for Satisfaction in him that reverberated through his family.  And ignited his interest in the unique way of Satisfaction of others.  This scenario is more common than sad.  The details are obviously different in every family but the dynamic of a man cave becoming a prison is likely a pandemic.


The Man Cave Function (fill in the blanks)
My Man Cave
generates in me: _______________________ + _________________________ 
so I can offer ___________________________ + ________________________ 
Into my personal and professional life.

The Man Cave is actually quite varied in its expressions.  It can be the convertible he drives 8 times a year and keeps in a storage unit in impeccable condition, the shed out back, the garage that is completely organized, swept and labelled, or the garage that is a wanna be junk shop. Some guys are very efficient at Man Caving – finding Satisfaction in their guy time.  Other guys their Man Cave becomes their life.  Their Man Caving might be sharing their photos of antique cars or buying and selling baseball cards.  It might be drinking beer and looking at his phone.   

Does he emerge from his cave and offer a confident man to his spouse in times of marital stress.  Or to share the paternal sensitivty to know when his son needs guidance in school, about sex and drugs.  Or to clarify the concepts of Male Stack and Female Frixion?  If we can’t handle stress or provide sensitivity because we hide in our Man Cave then whatever the cost of our Man Cave – it becomes really expensive.

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Question:  The Man Cave has its purpose.  It’s a matter of ROI.  Is the return on the investment he puts into it worth the human life energy that it soaks up?   

The song These Eyes by The Guess Who in 1969 is what can happen if we get swallowed up by our Man Cave or are otherwise unable to communicate with our spouse.

These Eyes

These eyes, cry every night for you

These arms, long to hold you, again

The hurting’s on me yea

But I will never be free, oh my baby no no

Hear it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw8nXCx5qgo

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It’s not that your Man Cave is a bad place.  It is a matter of management.

Man Cave can also be seen as an action if the Man Cave is functioning as an aspect of his emotional management leading to Satisfaction.  Things like: working late, volunteering, sibling/parent issues, exercise, coaching, professional development, attending church/temple.

Nothing wrong with your unique man cave or your Man Caving routines – as long as you are in charge.  See Chapter 7 on Habits.  Man Caving process allows a man to breathe, think, process his emotions, organize his stuff and his thoughts whether consciously or not, create new avenues for expression of his unique synthesis of love and of being autonomous.  

Autonomous can mean to the man to be in control. Control may be useful but it can become tyrannical.  Tyrannical it may appear to be, at first glance, on one’s family members.  But really it is limiting the emotional range, spontaneity and willingness of the man.  

Man Caving is the natural experience to regroup and then re-engage with family, with life and personal growth challenges.  

Man Caving is the process of a Satisfaction craving creature getting what he needs at his speed.  

Man Caving can be cool and rewarding and stress relieving but it is not an end unto itself.  The world keeps rolling while we are man caving.  The point is to re-integrate with renewed energy to seek and create opportunities to offer love and be of service.  Service can be telling a hilarious story from work, taking out the garbage, asking your daughter what she finds interesting about studying chemistry.  Being of service to others delivers Satisfaction to you.  As a result you can offer a man at peace willing to love and be loved.  Checkout this post: 

https://wild-coach.com/2019/05/17/10-things-a-young-man-needs-to-to-hear-from-a-man/

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Reflection:  

What conversation would shed light on the path of repurposing some of my Man Caving towards Satisfaction so I can offer my family the real me?  

Take a few minutes to watch this brief nature video as you reflect on your conversation:

https://wild-coach.com/2020/04/10/1-minute-wilderness-clouds/

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We may use our Man Cave because we just had an argument, need some space and want some autonomy.  Or from boredom of being at home and everyone is doing their own screen time on a phone or laptop.  We may go Man Caving out of habit: after dinner, load the dishwasher, kids do their homework while pretending not to peek at their cell phone, wife reading beside kids so you go to the garage to clean the car and organize your tools.  What is the residue from our cave time?

When a man, or the man and woman can’t extract the necessary value out of the Man Cave experience then he feels incomplete, lost; can be irritable and fragile.  Let’s avoid blame and find a way to communicate.

What he likely won’t say with words is that he lacks confidence.  Success begets success.  However the change process from lack of confidence, that semi-consciously expects failure, to a good attitude with resilience and resourcefulness can be challenging.  A fragile man lashes out at others who are trying to germinate little successes in him.  Even a man not so fragile thinks he is seen as incompetent because he can’t see that getting help is natural.   That needing help is normal.  Accepting help is smart and being grateful for help is very becoming of a gentleman. 

Mind Sprouts:  

Mind Sprouts are opportunities to use your Focus and Belief to grow mental pathways.

I am not wrong because change is constant and cannot be controlled.

I am not being made wrong because my family asks more from me based on their beliefs in my ability to grow.  

I am not a bad man because I am being tasked to elevate my understanding.

Where are there five minutes in myday to think about elevating my understanding?

Let’s Remember:

 We are all responsible for our emotions.

 ‘no man is an island’

Share without counting the cost.

Forgiveness is a by-product of your energy being refocused on growing.

Let go of yesterday; Grab the Now and Point it up at your Future.

Say/Think/Write:

As a way to generate Emotional Self-Responsibility – what are your thoughts today:

I am proud of me as as man because __________________________________.

I get disappointed with myself when I __________________________________.

I get frustrated with myself because I can’t understand my wife.

I can laugh at myself when I _________________________________________.

I feel Satisfied because I did my morning exercises before going to work.

I feel ____________________________________________________________.

I have settled into mid life somehow.  I think it has something to do with when I can sit out on the porch early on Saturday mornings.  It seems to bring me some kind of peace.  It’s like a meditation watching the birds and the squirrels and the trees.

I have a little ritual that brings me ____________________________________________.

Nothing Personal:   

This Satisfactioning is life long work.  Each man is a work in progress – each day.  Which says over time, your Art and Skill of Satisfaction will become part of your Personal Religion.  Whatever that means and whatever that looks like.

FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up

Photo by Mark Landman on Unsplash

An excerpt from an article by Sam Samson of the CBC:

Winnipeg woman said she will continue to advocate for body positivity after being the subject of misogynistic comments in a private group chat involving NHL players.

“Everything I post, I post online because I feel beautiful. I feel great. I feel worthy,” said Nicole Zajac. “I just don’t think it’s worth it to let a few comments from people who clearly don’t respect women get to you.”

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/hockey-winnipeg-groupchat-nhl-1.5560623

Ms. Zajac is a hero. Those guys are a product of their environment. But at some point a man is called to decide for himself how he thinks about women, what he wants to become and as a result what he will say. What each of these guys needed was help from their coaches and parents to use their upbringing and hockey training as a springboard into his unique robust, version of a man. Did they get it?

From her comments you can see that Ms. Zajac is emotionally agile. She has made decisions for herself about what she thinks of herself. She is strong enough to endure the low end of social media with the goal of helping others feel good about themselves. She is brave. Those guys…? They didn’t heed the call of being a man. They have FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up.

In order to support Ms. Zajac and to help guide young men, please take a look at my previous post:

https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/497

Prenup

Prenup.

For those who don’t know that’s what you do before you nup.

Obviously.

So don’t go nupping until you have pre-nupped.

Then you can nup.  Nuptialize yourself. And for the brave, you can post nup.

That’s called Marriage.  

The thing about Marriage is a guy can think he has one source of wisdom for how to marry his wife: himself.  That’s stupid.  He is not stupid but he needs help.  He is not alone.  

You Are Not Alone. For a few more ideas to generate understanding of each other please see my blog post: https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/534

Your marriage is yours. Still there is a beautiful solidarity that we men can provide each other when each one of us can connect with ‘My Best Ego’. Based in ‘My Best Ego’ you exhibit self responsibility. Your challenge, a fabulous spur to boost you into the New You is to: find something that gives Satisfaction to the part of a man that loves to support a woman. When you find that something – put it into your habits, routines and rituals. Find its friends.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Talking about love and support … It was a hot, sunny December day in Zihuatanejo, Guerrero, Mexico.  A good day to get married if ever there was one.  So I did.  To my wife of all people.

We are still married.  Still nupping.   Sometimes to my disbelief.  To my eternal benefit.

Before you go nupping with the love of your life it is a good idea to go in prepared with your eyes wide open.  They might be wide open but glazed over with smittiness.  Or you can get married with awareness that this is your life.  Your Romantic Life/Role in your life is so important.   Listen to it, respond to it  and do not be a slave to it.  Those who are slaves to their Romantic Roles in life often become bimbos, if they are lucky, abused if they aren’t.

So as you enter into a new stage in life and take on new roles as a woman/wife or man/husband you can agree on going to a lawyer to sign a draft prenuptial agreement to keep things clear from the beginning and separate from the emotions.  Love today – lose tomorrow.

Feel free to consult a family lawyer to imprint your prenuptial contract with the concerns as future spouses avoiding the nastiness of an immature divorce .  

Or …

Feel free and empowered to consult your soul to remind you what you Seek and Offer in your relationship.  That relationship that you assume is based on loving your spouse and being loved in return.  Each person loves the other for their insistence on it being true to themselves – that’s how we participate.

How do you Participate?  Legally?  Or Soulfully.  A little bit of both … Insisting?  true?  Free?  Seeking a Relationship?  Offering Soul (whatever that is).

The Soul Agreement might, at first glance, seem like it is with your spouse, when in fact it is internal.  With oneself.  It is an agreement to Seek and Offer.  Not just to Seek what you look for in a person.  Not only to Offer what you have always offered.  

You won’t just Seek a girlfriend, any girlfriend just because they listen to your mumbo jumbo will you?

In the Soul Agreement you Seek a confirmation that you are loved.  You Seek an opportunity to love someone else.  

Seek is the operative word.  You really, really want this.  You need this.  As a woman, as a man.  You aren’t browsing, like in a bookstore, in case you come across something that tickles your fancy.   You know what you want and you are intrigued to find out who has it and what is their unique expression of it.  Their expression of a good sense of humour, creativity, support, appreciation, determination.

In your own internal prenup what in the world are you going to Offer?  

Let’s Remember  There is no ‘counting-the-cost’ here.  You Offer because you want to.  It is not conditional.    Except of course the universal condition on all relationships: the insistence on human dignity and personal standards.   Meaning there is no violence or abuse.   Physical, emotional or otherwise.  No if – then threats hanging over your head that impede your instinct.  Something like – “If you don’t do what I say then there are going to be some serious repercussions!!”  No.

In a phrase, we offer to love and be loved.   This can be seen to be encapsulated in his marriage vows.  In this case it is an if – then promise:  ‘If you marry me then I promise to respond to you, an evolving, enriching woman, by being ready and willing to update my husband response as petitioned by you or my instinct.’ 

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Sew that seed of promise at the start of your marriage so that seven years later, when you are having another one of those difficult post nup days (that we seem to attract in certain phases) you have pre-programmed your Belief in: you, your spouse, marriage itself, your marriage.  Harvest the intention of those marriage vows.

To resolve whatever was the issue of the moment in a relationship you have an ally always in waiting:  My Best Ego.  We all need an ego to some degree to keep ourselves intact in daily life.  This helps us strive to grow, regroup after a mistake, be proud of our accomplishments, share life experience, ask for and offer help.  What happens is that our Ego can get out of control.  And it gets addicted to blocking the light of day from the rest of our inner lives plus the Ego and emotions of those around you.  

My Best Ego elevates your Ego – for positive results that can be shared.  Shared not only on Instagram but in conversation for the benefit of you and someone else; spouse or colleague or sibling or neighbour.   Use My Best Ego to Seek in your spouse her My Best Ego.  To Seek with anything less delivers dollar store quality results:  in the moment it suffices but you may find yourself repeating the same arguments all over again quite soon.  As a result you have learned little about the person you are married to and become the punching bag for their lack of emotional development.

Your Ego is based on how you feel about how you feel.  

My Best Ego generates opportunities for Fulfillment and Satisfaction that can be shared.

My Best Ego is you improving your fluency in human qualities of: persistence, Belief, patience, resilience, resourcefulness, forgiveness, optimism and maintaining standards. 

Read

The Fabulous work by Gail Sheehy in all things relationship. Written in 1998 it illustrates that wisdom stands the test of time and applies equally among gender and race. https://www.amazon.ca/Understanding-Mens-Passages-Discovering-Lives/dp/0345406907

Mind Sprouts

You as a woman want to be loved in a way that says you are uniquely special.  You know your dedication to your marriage/family is powered by your desire to love fully, naturally, confidently and your instinct will be supported by your spouse.

Love in the Time of Coronavirus

We live in a different world than we did 2 months ago. And our world will be again made different by the regulations and fears that accompany the re-ignition of daily life in the weeks and months when quarantines are lifted.

We live on a different planet than the characters in Gabriel Garcia Marquez 1985 novel, Love In The Time of Cholera. Taking place from 1880 – 1930 likely in Colombia. The protagonists profess their long distance love by telegraph and hand written letters that can take days and weeks to finally get read and be replied to. Nowadays we tweet, text and FaceTime in the moment – all the time. The content of the messages is the same. In the south and the north we are all searching for the same thing.

To love and be loved.

Photo by Luis Vidal on Unsplash

Fast forward 100 years or so and we can exchange Cholera for Coronavirus. Both are infectious diseases that can cause death. For that matter one might say there are some similarities with love.

What have we learned? About love and infection.

Here is a story from the here and now.

She brought her daughter and a dog. He had his 2 children and a dog. They married and added a child of their own. They came from contrasting cultures. Something happened to harmony. Not overnight.

For this man and woman now their many relationships as spouses, parents, step mom/dad and with in-laws are to some degree: disastrous, toxic and dangerous to all participants. Who is to blame?

We can blame him for sure. Because his patience ran out. We can also blame her because she doesn’t have anymore patience. We can definitely blame their parents who didn’t use all those years guide them into the necessary Self-Love. Add to your Coronaworld those infuriating times in a marriage and you have a recipe for disaster. We all need a good dose of Self-Love to get through the disruption and uncertainty that is Your Life During Coronavirus.

The more Self-Love we can muster these days then the less like a personal attack this whole situation can feel. While we are all doing some version of ‘sheltering in place’ or self-isolation or social distancing or quarantine we need to adjust to our new circumstance or get adjusted by it. There is no commuting to work, drive-through coffee, popping out for lunch, office flirting, useless meetings to complain about, personal space or no stories of what happened today at work or school.

We all need to give each other and ourselves a break because nobody saw this pandemic coming. Except Bill Gates. Many years and millions of dollars of donations ago.

Photo by Jove Duero on Unsplash

Love in the Time of Coronavirus is love of the imperfect you. Love of the grace of planet Earth. Loving the feeling of breathing in fresh spring air in a time when it might be dangerous to breathe. Love of forgiving and being forgiven – quickly when possible. Slowly when not.

Offering your smile to someone else is Self-Love. Complimenting their cooking is Self-Love; so is waking the dishes. People laughing at you instead of your dumb joke takes a fair amount of Self-Love. Belief in a life journey takes Self-love because it means you know that you are part of something bigger than daily life. Refining your habits, routines and rituals in order to offer your spouse a Satisfied husband is a good example of Self-Love. Because you want your Self-Love to be a part of your spouse’s happiness.

Rise of the Elder Class

Because the younger have more knowledge in our wired world we are seeing an ancient template for wisdom resurge.

Photo by Neelam Sundaram on Unsplash

It can be seen when ‘young earth mama’ Greta Thunberg is begging adults to be elders. To have more than just harvested money and ridden the emotional roller coaster of society’s whims.

Thunberg is highlighting that adults have a distinct role in using wisdom from their life experience to be responsible. Some of us are responsible in our smaller communities like marriage, family, industry, and that internal community of inner lives (think of the soul and spirit). Other’s lack of respondability will reveal them to be a toxic disaster even at the personal level.

Nowadays we are seeing that what we want at the community level has wide and long lasting impact on a much larger scale. Adults need to be proactive in the larger community because it seems to the planet Earth and the current youth that we don’t care.

To some extent that is true. It might be explained by seeking the missing education. The education of a journey of development whether that be human or planetary. We are designed as humans to want a spiritualized life yet we end up with monetized lives as are inspiration of success.

The wisdom of a vision quest or way of the ancients is missing. And leaves us wanting.

Leaves our soul longing.

Perception is a residue of higher connection. It’s like a second education. In cultural terms this urge to keep learning in each different stage of life gets labeled and monetized as ‘Self Help’. With a plethora of far fetched ideas for personal development from instant gurus combined with easy to publish e-books the natural urge to grow has become a joke. Yet it is exactly Self Help that will attract the perception that Ms. Thunberg expects.

Help yourself to books that have bits of wisdom hidden in the stories, quotes, photos, poems. Help yourself to a retreat where you meet your pathway to eldership. Help yourself to the well-being and peace that nature effuses and where perception abounds.

It’s natural for children and adults to have elders in their lives. It’s not a given that you or I do the work to rise into elderness. I’m not about to tell Ms. Thunberg I’m not going to apply myself. Are you?

Rise up old man!

Be the elder you were born to be. Offer the next generation guidance and resilience. Hope and finesse.

Make Their Fulfillment Your Satisfaction

When their Fulfillment becomes your Satisfaction. That is one of the Magical Arts of Love.

H Heyerlein on Unsplash

Remember the Art of War where the local administration is in charge of the decisions which the army carries out for the benefits of the community to live in peace. ‘In Peace’ feels great for us personally. But it is the impact at the human level that this environment of peace permits the soul to do it’s work. The soul is childlike in its enthusiasm, it’s readiness to enhance the human experience; your life.

Participating in this enhancement of someone else, because you made their fulfillment your satisfaction, is a valid expression of love. See a previous post for a bit of background: https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/97

Part of the art of this love is understanding that the person we are supporting will shine. In part because of you.

Their shining for who and what they are and what they love to do is not a rejection of you. You are not being left behind. You are getting a glimpse of The New You of your spouse.

Designecologist on Unsplash

She loves you for support and feels you too want to rise into your The New You.

Soul Workout – 4

Your soul loves its job. Your soul loves being your soul.

Jon Butterworth on Unsplash

Your soul loves when you: connect with the planet; breathe in and feel part of the moment; sense you are in the flow of now. This can elevate you into your Devotion Emotion. This is our Yellow Power. This is loving and being loved.

Loving the belief in life’s trajectory; being loved by the higher realms that our source of light.

Jon Butterworth on Unsplash

Ask:

How do I create light for others like the higher realms do for me? This is the religious roller coaster of getting devotional and then re-integrating the elevated you with daily life. This is our fabulous challenge. And this is what helps us develop into a fabulous person.

Habit, Routine and Ritual

Like a flower has roots, stem with leaves and the flower carrying seeds, our scale of Habit-Routine-Ritual is a structure for growth.

Mike Labrum on Unsplash

Habits are the roots that connect us in daily life. Routines are the leaves that receive the light of today. Rituals are the flowers that are abundant with potential.

Habits are important because they are the foundation for growth. Routines are important because it is the stage that connects daily life with higher realms. Rituals are important because they are what makes us human. In your Rituals your human potential is enlivened by these higher powers. This higher source influences your sense of purpose thus creating the New You. The New You has greater clarity of vision and belief in human qualities that make their way into your habits and routines.

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This is the daily/devotional relationship that ends up being your personal religion. With active and true Habits, Routines and Rituals your personal religion will flow into your Rituals. Your Way will overflow into your routines and rain on your habits.

Unique U.

As a natural act of appreciation a Hamilton, Ontario radio station is asking listeners to call in with the first name of a front line worker (nurse, doctor, police) they want to say thank you to. ‘Sue, who is a paramedic from St. Catherines – thank you!’ Great initiative: simple and inclusive to recognize professionalism and dedication.

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In these times of global worry what can we do to participate in societal protection and our communal recovery?

Like me if you are not working in a hospital or related services it can feel helpless to be confined at home. Although staying home is of great service to your family and all of the communities you are a part of so we don’t get sick or get others sick, it can feel passive.

What else can I do to help?

Seek the best in others. Offer the best of yourself.

Living without many of our daily habits, having our routines compressed or put on hold can put us on edge. Maybe you are taking care of and educating children. We can be impatient. Frustrated. Out of our element. Being limited by new health based protocols and regulations, that are for our own well being, can reveal we have to find new ways to live. Can we find topics of conversation so we are not accumulating fear by only focusing on the virus?

Yes! Go back to school. Enrol in Unique University. Unique U. is where we learn more about ourselves, others, marriage, parent roles, stages in life. We can learn jokes, new recipes, some Yoga, paint a picture, plant a few veggies in starter pots. We could get better at singing or realize what we already knew – that we will never be a good singer:)

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In the tutorials of Unique U. we are the student one moment and the teacher the next. Our emotions (daily / devotional) and human qualities are the curriculum. Seek the one-of-a-kind of each of us that can easily get lost in the rush and demands of daily life.

Offer to read out loud to someone an interesting few lines from a book and seek their perception about it. Seek to understand the ‘why’ of yesterday to offer better vision of the ‘how’ for tomorrow. Seek satisfaction for yourself to offer fulfillment to others.

This can help us update our beliefs about ourselves. Highlight that you are versatile, creative and resourceful. It can also remind us our family members are funny, quirky, spontaneous and caring.

The Seesaw

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who said ‘ok’ to the playground bully when he said, ‘Hey jump on’ to the other seat of the painted green wooden playground seesaw.

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This playground in front of the winter outdoor hockey rink (and summer tennis courts) also had the big swings that were awesome; you could pump your legs to swing so high. And then jump off at the peak of your follow through which was a good 15 feet above the ground. Way outta control!

There was the long metal slide that heated up to burning hot in the July afternoon sun. You couldn’t slide down without a serious leg burn.

So on this day the local buffoon convinced me to participate and now I am up in the air as he lifts his seat and bashes it back to the ground. This sends me flailing a foot above my seat. I hold onto the metal handle with all my ten year old might.

He laughs the asshole. He loves it. Again he bashes his seat down punctuated by his villainous cackle. Again my legs fly into the air. I’m bucking this green wooden bronco and wondering how to jump off as it looks like he is not going to let me off.

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Likewise the seesaw in relationships can generate a variety of emotions from elated to enraged. I am sure you know what I mean.

Let’s look at the fulcrum which is the part in the middle that is the balance point between the two extremes. According to the little drawing above one side is ‘Self’ and the other being ‘Love’ in our relationship seesaw.

Too much self at the expense of love means a person is in a relationship for personal gain. To feel loved with out offering love in return. Another imbalance is when we don’t love ourselves enough and submit our fulfillment to the satisfaction of our partner.

Somewhere in between the two is an ongoing sensitivity of give and take that looks to somehow feed both at the same time. So make yourself loveable and therefore, in your own way, attract love. Without negating this love you attract, your art is to seek out how to love another for the person they want to be.

The $12 Vacuum

Many a car’s mechanical problems can be related to how often you change the engine oil. The more often you change it the cleaner, the saying goes, it runs. Also it means the mechanic is rooting around under your hood to see or hear if something is wrong. Which not coincidentally generates more business for the garage. If in fact he finds something wrong then you are doing preventative maintenance which is almost always cheaper than repairs. Not only with cars but just about everything else.

Photo by Lukas ter Poorten on Unsplash

Take our vacuum for example. We bought it second hand because my wife’s experience is that you spend a $150 or usually more on a new vacuum and more likely than not it is giving you headaches within 6 months. Funny when I was growing up we had an emerald green Electrolux whose design was inspired by one of the characters in the canteen from the movie Star Wars. The thing lasted easily 15 years. Suction wasn’t great those last few years. That was still in the day of the vacuum bag that filled up and you had to toss. I think the whole thing was designed around selling vacuum bags because they weren’t very big and it was pretty awkward to empty them out and try and re-use.

Now our vacuum looks like son of Electrolux: turquoise with a mini body for the dirt receptacle. Nowadays we just empty out the dirt receptacle and keep going. And that is what the people who dropped it off at the donation centre where we bought it must have done because I fired it up and the smell as atrocious. A warm, old shoe bad smell filled our condo. Neither the previous guys nor the donation centre thought to clean the filter. Nor did I when I bought it:) So the filter got cleaned and boom the vacuum is awesome and is running to this day. I think it cost $12. No bags. No fuss.

I have seen the same thing happen with our sink, the fan above the stove, the drain in the shower: you have to clean out the filter to keep things running smoothly (and without a nasty smell.). The same applies to people. I remember in my early working days I didn’t have much money so I didn’t eat well. It didn’t help that I was single, living on my own with limited cooking experience. My home cooked food consisted of lots of toast and canned soup for dinner. Breakfast was a coffee and donut. Lunch would have included the occasional veggie. Whadaya know? I ended up in the clinic with an obstructed bowel. It was painful. Just knocked me out for a few days with no energy. No other symptoms. The doctor said I needed fibre which translates into leafy greens and colourful fruit. In other words I needed to unclog the drain or change the oil. I needed to clean my filter. Physically.

That has happened to me mentally as well. Where I need to learn a new concept about someone or something. As our two daughters get older I need to understand that I am not their only source of info and entertainment or decision making. I must realize they are moving through stages in life rapidly and I have to update myself at the same pace or risk making myself obsolete. It doesn’t mean letting them do everything they want and talking about every single meme they find on their phone. It just means be agile with my role as their dad.

With my wife I need to listen to her ever changing situation with menopause. I need to be confident in our connection and lovingly efficient in grasping where we are today. It’s not boring. I prefer it to a habitual life that is not challenging. I am not going to hold menopause against my wife – that would be stupid. There is no time or space to be acrimonious. I prefer to love and be loved. Loving the menopausal version of my wife means I need to have a good memory, want her to be healthy, be able to ride the roller coaster again and again without getting off. Woohoo!! Just be there for her. I am tall enough to ride that ride:)

I see it comes to updating what I want and what I believe. I want my wife to be happy. I believe our marriage is working. Some days it works like a Tesla model X – fast and curious. Other days it’s like a 1973 Westphalia camper van – lots of baggage and going pretty slow.

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Even Telsas have filters that need maintenance.

I find if I clean up the filter, be it the backlog of things my wife has asked me to do (throw out my good boxes cardboard goes I have piled up) or not to do (fall asleep on the couch) we do pretty well. Being in good physical shape and having some sense of your soul are other self tasks to keep things turning over.

When was the last time you cleaned your filter?