Excerpt – Men

An excerpt from a book in progress about Satisfaction.

 

Photo by David Billings on Unsplash

Men: A Declaration 

Untangling ourselves from the many demands and distractions of life,

It is the task to remember and to realize …

A Man is a Vibrant Power.

With a Willingness that is Clean.

With an Agility that is True.

He Seeks how to Help and be Helped,

As one of his expressions of Loving and Being Loved.

He insists on finding a way to grow

and bask in the flourishing of others.

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This is you.  You know it. You love it. And then life happens.  Life Stages contort us.  Stress manhandles us.  Age changes us. Both husband and wife can feel when this declaration above doesn’t describe the man in their midst.

No big deal really.  If he can get his boot in the stirrup to get back in the saddle.  If he knows how he can find his power. To do and to be. 

A woman loves her nurturing nature.  She savours the fulfillment when she can embody her nature.   When that nature gets usurped by ‘saving her toxic boyfriend from himself’ then the morass of emotion that ensues is bottomless.  The problem is when he can’t find the stirrup, or his power or doesn’t know where he is at.    

Man Formula  

Man = Control x Dexterity + Purpose

Or

Man = Versatile/The Moment x Love.

Go for it.  What is your Man Formula?  

Man = ________________________ + ____________________ / __________________

Man = ________________________ x ____________________ + __________________

If you are reading this on a device then in your cell phone put your ideas in notes.

There is no right response.  There is you, the moment and the man you want to be.

Is your Man Formula an algorithm for reliable growth or a declaration of predictability?

In the moment whatever is needed of the man for his own Satisfaction or in service to others is the Formula for that moment.  And that is a big part of how men can fumble and stumble.  This feeling of being lost.   The idea they are not valued.  Not knowing what they want because things move too fast for their This-is-the-man-I-have-become Mind Set. 

Man Cave

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus written by John Gray in 1992 is a seminal work on relationships.  From there we get a concrete identification of the Man Cave.

To hear the man himself take a look at this TedTalk:

The Man Cave of my childhood was my dad in his furnace room.  I was born after he had established that dark, hot cramped room as his retreat.  There were no windows in that basement emotional hideout.   But it did have all kinds of little nooks where you could hide a mickey of whisky.  He kept tools and screws, seasonal clothes and various knick knacks collected from trips.  He also kept all kinds of sports jerseys and equipment long after it was of use except to act as his personal jailer that wouldn’t let him join the present moment.  You had to be very careful if you wanted to get rid of anything from his cave. 

There was actually a lot of love he had for being a father that, if he could have grown some emotional agility, could have been repurposed.  Instead he spent his time rearranging running shoes and ski boots completely cut off from any sense of togetherness.  Imagine if he had received the guidance from his father or other family members about how to deal with the emotional challenge of being a man in the succession of development stages of life.  He could have still been the king of his Man Cave – no one was going to take it away.  His cave could have been an engine for Satisfaction in him that reverberated through his family.  And ignited his interest in the unique way of Satisfaction of others.  This scenario is more common than sad.  The details are obviously different in every family but the dynamic of a man cave becoming a prison is likely a pandemic.


The Man Cave Function (fill in the blanks)
My Man Cave
generates in me: _______________________ + _________________________ 
so I can offer ___________________________ + ________________________ 
Into my personal and professional life.

The Man Cave is actually quite varied in its expressions.  It can be the convertible he drives 8 times a year and keeps in a storage unit in impeccable condition, the shed out back, the garage that is completely organized, swept and labelled, or the garage that is a wanna be junk shop. Some guys are very efficient at Man Caving – finding Satisfaction in their guy time.  Other guys their Man Cave becomes their life.  Their Man Caving might be sharing their photos of antique cars or buying and selling baseball cards.  It might be drinking beer and looking at his phone.   

Does he emerge from his cave and offer a confident man to his spouse in times of marital stress.  Or to share the paternal sensitivty to know when his son needs guidance in school, about sex and drugs.  Or to clarify the concepts of Male Stack and Female Frixion?  If we can’t handle stress or provide sensitivity because we hide in our Man Cave then whatever the cost of our Man Cave – it becomes really expensive.

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Question:  The Man Cave has its purpose.  It’s a matter of ROI.  Is the return on the investment he puts into it worth the human life energy that it soaks up?   

The song These Eyes by The Guess Who in 1969 is what can happen if we get swallowed up by our Man Cave or are otherwise unable to communicate with our spouse.

These Eyes

These eyes, cry every night for you

These arms, long to hold you, again

The hurting’s on me yea

But I will never be free, oh my baby no no

Hear it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw8nXCx5qgo

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It’s not that your Man Cave is a bad place.  It is a matter of management.

Man Cave can also be seen as an action if the Man Cave is functioning as an aspect of his emotional management leading to Satisfaction.  Things like: working late, volunteering, sibling/parent issues, exercise, coaching, professional development, attending church/temple.

Nothing wrong with your unique man cave or your Man Caving routines – as long as you are in charge.  See Chapter 7 on Habits.  Man Caving process allows a man to breathe, think, process his emotions, organize his stuff and his thoughts whether consciously or not, create new avenues for expression of his unique synthesis of love and of being autonomous.  

Autonomous can mean to the man to be in control. Control may be useful but it can become tyrannical.  Tyrannical it may appear to be, at first glance, on one’s family members.  But really it is limiting the emotional range, spontaneity and willingness of the man.  

Man Caving is the natural experience to regroup and then re-engage with family, with life and personal growth challenges.  

Man Caving is the process of a Satisfaction craving creature getting what he needs at his speed.  

Man Caving can be cool and rewarding and stress relieving but it is not an end unto itself.  The world keeps rolling while we are man caving.  The point is to re-integrate with renewed energy to seek and create opportunities to offer love and be of service.  Service can be telling a hilarious story from work, taking out the garbage, asking your daughter what she finds interesting about studying chemistry.  Being of service to others delivers Satisfaction to you.  As a result you can offer a man at peace willing to love and be loved.  Checkout this post: 

https://wild-coach.com/2019/05/17/10-things-a-young-man-needs-to-to-hear-from-a-man/

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Reflection:  

What conversation would shed light on the path of repurposing some of my Man Caving towards Satisfaction so I can offer my family the real me?  

Take a few minutes to watch this brief nature video as you reflect on your conversation:

https://wild-coach.com/2020/04/10/1-minute-wilderness-clouds/

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We may use our Man Cave because we just had an argument, need some space and want some autonomy.  Or from boredom of being at home and everyone is doing their own screen time on a phone or laptop.  We may go Man Caving out of habit: after dinner, load the dishwasher, kids do their homework while pretending not to peek at their cell phone, wife reading beside kids so you go to the garage to clean the car and organize your tools.  What is the residue from our cave time?

When a man, or the man and woman can’t extract the necessary value out of the Man Cave experience then he feels incomplete, lost; can be irritable and fragile.  Let’s avoid blame and find a way to communicate.

What he likely won’t say with words is that he lacks confidence.  Success begets success.  However the change process from lack of confidence, that semi-consciously expects failure, to a good attitude with resilience and resourcefulness can be challenging.  A fragile man lashes out at others who are trying to germinate little successes in him.  Even a man not so fragile thinks he is seen as incompetent because he can’t see that getting help is natural.   That needing help is normal.  Accepting help is smart and being grateful for help is very becoming of a gentleman. 

Mind Sprouts:  

Mind Sprouts are opportunities to use your Focus and Belief to grow mental pathways.

I am not wrong because change is constant and cannot be controlled.

I am not being made wrong because my family asks more from me based on their beliefs in my ability to grow.  

I am not a bad man because I am being tasked to elevate my understanding.

Where are there five minutes in myday to think about elevating my understanding?

Let’s Remember:

 We are all responsible for our emotions.

 ‘no man is an island’

Share without counting the cost.

Forgiveness is a by-product of your energy being refocused on growing.

Let go of yesterday; Grab the Now and Point it up at your Future.

Say/Think/Write:

As a way to generate Emotional Self-Responsibility – what are your thoughts today:

I am proud of me as as man because __________________________________.

I get disappointed with myself when I __________________________________.

I get frustrated with myself because I can’t understand my wife.

I can laugh at myself when I _________________________________________.

I feel Satisfied because I did my morning exercises before going to work.

I feel ____________________________________________________________.

I have settled into mid life somehow.  I think it has something to do with when I can sit out on the porch early on Saturday mornings.  It seems to bring me some kind of peace.  It’s like a meditation watching the birds and the squirrels and the trees.

I have a little ritual that brings me ____________________________________________.

Nothing Personal:   

This Satisfactioning is life long work.  Each man is a work in progress – each day.  Which says over time, your Art and Skill of Satisfaction will become part of your Personal Religion.  Whatever that means and whatever that looks like.

The Mother Of All AI

Did you see Ocean’s 8?

Scott Webb on Unsplash

It just came out on Netflix. Sandra Bullock leads a group of women on an intricately planned jewelry heist. It’s a fun movie. At one point they use a 3-D printer to reproduce a famous statue in miniature. Amazing!

We’ve seen this before.

Technological developments like the invention of the car, the phone, the computer. These inventions are a life disruption whether that be good or bad. Whether it brings us money or surrounds us with charlatans.

AI (Artificial Intelligence) has arrived and is gaining a ton of momentum. In part because many of the innovations are useful for people. 3-D printers can manufacture human organs apparently! Just last year a human heart was printed. And then there are the results in money saving efficiency for companies. Investors are always looking for the next big thing to throw lots of money at so that creates lots of buzz.

A simplified definition of AI in one word is: resources. AI is powered by algorithms. Algorithms are written by people and then evolve to become self regulating. Algorithms can learn to teach themselves to get better at getting resources. These resources are called data. So AI is powered by algorithms that eat data for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This has become known as Big Data. It is huge!

So big in fact companies like Facebook etc. need massive data centres to store and manage all the info about you and your neighbours shopping habits. These data centres need lots of energy to keep from over heating. AI is useful but there is definitely a behind the scenes cost the planet is paying for our need to keep our data cool.

Speaking of algorithms there is one that has been around since before Amazon, before Facebook, before hotels.com.

Redcharlie on Unsplash

And you are it’s data

Center:)

Your soul.

Your soul needs you. Your habits, routines and rituals. The more you can refine these three resource management processes the more you are synthesizing your soul with your life. The more you can resist the big data shareholder mentality.

Facebook is a monster. A many tentacled beast that gorges on ‘likes’ and boredom.

Get a life. A Soul life. A higher soul life.

Read a book. Yes! You can order it on Amazon. Orrrr, you can get it from the library. Borrowing books from friends is a good way to have a problem:)

Or to generate your soul life connect with nature – plant some veggies, share a walk in the park, hike in the forest, go barefoot, …. breathe….

The planet is the mother of all AI – Authentic Intelligence – nothing artificial there.

AI is not the enemy.

Lack of purpose is.

FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up

Photo by Mark Landman on Unsplash

An excerpt from an article by Sam Samson of the CBC:

Winnipeg woman said she will continue to advocate for body positivity after being the subject of misogynistic comments in a private group chat involving NHL players.

“Everything I post, I post online because I feel beautiful. I feel great. I feel worthy,” said Nicole Zajac. “I just don’t think it’s worth it to let a few comments from people who clearly don’t respect women get to you.”

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/hockey-winnipeg-groupchat-nhl-1.5560623

Ms. Zajac is a hero. Those guys are a product of their environment. But at some point a man is called to decide for himself how he thinks about women, what he wants to become and as a result what he will say. What each of these guys needed was help from their coaches and parents to use their upbringing and hockey training as a springboard into his unique robust, version of a man. Did they get it?

From her comments you can see that Ms. Zajac is emotionally agile. She has made decisions for herself about what she thinks of herself. She is strong enough to endure the low end of social media with the goal of helping others feel good about themselves. She is brave. Those guys…? They didn’t heed the call of being a man. They have FOMU: Fear Of Manning Up.

In order to support Ms. Zajac and to help guide young men, please take a look at my previous post:

https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/497

Prenup

Prenup.

For those who don’t know that’s what you do before you nup.

Obviously.

So don’t go nupping until you have pre-nupped.

Then you can nup.  Nuptialize yourself. And for the brave, you can post nup.

That’s called Marriage.  

The thing about Marriage is a guy can think he has one source of wisdom for how to marry his wife: himself.  That’s stupid.  He is not stupid but he needs help.  He is not alone.  

You Are Not Alone. For a few more ideas to generate understanding of each other please see my blog post: https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/wild-coach.com/534

Your marriage is yours. Still there is a beautiful solidarity that we men can provide each other when each one of us can connect with ‘My Best Ego’. Based in ‘My Best Ego’ you exhibit self responsibility. Your challenge, a fabulous spur to boost you into the New You is to: find something that gives Satisfaction to the part of a man that loves to support a woman. When you find that something – put it into your habits, routines and rituals. Find its friends.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Talking about love and support … It was a hot, sunny December day in Zihuatanejo, Guerrero, Mexico.  A good day to get married if ever there was one.  So I did.  To my wife of all people.

We are still married.  Still nupping.   Sometimes to my disbelief.  To my eternal benefit.

Before you go nupping with the love of your life it is a good idea to go in prepared with your eyes wide open.  They might be wide open but glazed over with smittiness.  Or you can get married with awareness that this is your life.  Your Romantic Life/Role in your life is so important.   Listen to it, respond to it  and do not be a slave to it.  Those who are slaves to their Romantic Roles in life often become bimbos, if they are lucky, abused if they aren’t.

So as you enter into a new stage in life and take on new roles as a woman/wife or man/husband you can agree on going to a lawyer to sign a draft prenuptial agreement to keep things clear from the beginning and separate from the emotions.  Love today – lose tomorrow.

Feel free to consult a family lawyer to imprint your prenuptial contract with the concerns as future spouses avoiding the nastiness of an immature divorce .  

Or …

Feel free and empowered to consult your soul to remind you what you Seek and Offer in your relationship.  That relationship that you assume is based on loving your spouse and being loved in return.  Each person loves the other for their insistence on it being true to themselves – that’s how we participate.

How do you Participate?  Legally?  Or Soulfully.  A little bit of both … Insisting?  true?  Free?  Seeking a Relationship?  Offering Soul (whatever that is).

The Soul Agreement might, at first glance, seem like it is with your spouse, when in fact it is internal.  With oneself.  It is an agreement to Seek and Offer.  Not just to Seek what you look for in a person.  Not only to Offer what you have always offered.  

You won’t just Seek a girlfriend, any girlfriend just because they listen to your mumbo jumbo will you?

In the Soul Agreement you Seek a confirmation that you are loved.  You Seek an opportunity to love someone else.  

Seek is the operative word.  You really, really want this.  You need this.  As a woman, as a man.  You aren’t browsing, like in a bookstore, in case you come across something that tickles your fancy.   You know what you want and you are intrigued to find out who has it and what is their unique expression of it.  Their expression of a good sense of humour, creativity, support, appreciation, determination.

In your own internal prenup what in the world are you going to Offer?  

Let’s Remember  There is no ‘counting-the-cost’ here.  You Offer because you want to.  It is not conditional.    Except of course the universal condition on all relationships: the insistence on human dignity and personal standards.   Meaning there is no violence or abuse.   Physical, emotional or otherwise.  No if – then threats hanging over your head that impede your instinct.  Something like – “If you don’t do what I say then there are going to be some serious repercussions!!”  No.

In a phrase, we offer to love and be loved.   This can be seen to be encapsulated in his marriage vows.  In this case it is an if – then promise:  ‘If you marry me then I promise to respond to you, an evolving, enriching woman, by being ready and willing to update my husband response as petitioned by you or my instinct.’ 

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Sew that seed of promise at the start of your marriage so that seven years later, when you are having another one of those difficult post nup days (that we seem to attract in certain phases) you have pre-programmed your Belief in: you, your spouse, marriage itself, your marriage.  Harvest the intention of those marriage vows.

To resolve whatever was the issue of the moment in a relationship you have an ally always in waiting:  My Best Ego.  We all need an ego to some degree to keep ourselves intact in daily life.  This helps us strive to grow, regroup after a mistake, be proud of our accomplishments, share life experience, ask for and offer help.  What happens is that our Ego can get out of control.  And it gets addicted to blocking the light of day from the rest of our inner lives plus the Ego and emotions of those around you.  

My Best Ego elevates your Ego – for positive results that can be shared.  Shared not only on Instagram but in conversation for the benefit of you and someone else; spouse or colleague or sibling or neighbour.   Use My Best Ego to Seek in your spouse her My Best Ego.  To Seek with anything less delivers dollar store quality results:  in the moment it suffices but you may find yourself repeating the same arguments all over again quite soon.  As a result you have learned little about the person you are married to and become the punching bag for their lack of emotional development.

Your Ego is based on how you feel about how you feel.  

My Best Ego generates opportunities for Fulfillment and Satisfaction that can be shared.

My Best Ego is you improving your fluency in human qualities of: persistence, Belief, patience, resilience, resourcefulness, forgiveness, optimism and maintaining standards. 

Read

The Fabulous work by Gail Sheehy in all things relationship. Written in 1998 it illustrates that wisdom stands the test of time and applies equally among gender and race. https://www.amazon.ca/Understanding-Mens-Passages-Discovering-Lives/dp/0345406907

Mind Sprouts

You as a woman want to be loved in a way that says you are uniquely special.  You know your dedication to your marriage/family is powered by your desire to love fully, naturally, confidently and your instinct will be supported by your spouse.

Satisfaction – excerpt

Social Cut on Unsplash

This is an excerpt of a short book in progress about Satisfaction. It has been in the works for some time but it can be considered a Son of quarantine:).

Satisfaction in the short and long term has many sources and benefits. What is being highlighted here is that we are all capable of and responsible for our own Satisfaction in the ongoing stages of life, evolving relationships and variety of experiences.

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I had some interesting and challenging jobs during the school year at university.  I went to a small college so the students could work as Campus Police part time.   Nowadays you see those bigger schools where they have ex-military patrolling the grounds looking for someone to beat on.  I would stay up all night and do my rounds checking doors telling my friends to be quiet and then ask them to please take me seriously as a Campus Police.  I would climb stairs and then write in the log book that I told rabble rousers to pipe down and that I had climbed stairs.  I am a great sleeper so I would catch a few winks sitting in the Campus Police office around 4 or 5 am and finish my shift at 7 am.  Good gig for a little spending money.

When I lived off campus I took a job where I functioned as the part-time eyes for an old, blind man.  I saw his ad at the student employment centre in February and got started on a weekly basis.  If he didn’t need me the following Sunday he would then just call every so often I would bike over to a house that he owned but no one lived in that I could tell.  I doubt he lived upstairs because the smell each time I came in was of the cold, undisturbed air of night.  Not air that carried the baggage of habits of watching television in the front room or routines of cooking.  The old house was in a great neighbourhood with lots of trees and sizable yards.   His place was full of building materials like 2 x 4s, flooring and doors.  

The place was to be fixed up.  Maybe if his sight came back.  Maybe by a son who didn’t have the time or desire.  He knew where everything was and how many there were.   In the musty basement he would direct 

“Do you see those 2 x 4’s piled in the corner?  Grab them and move them to the main  room upstairs and pile them along the wall.  When we get there I will tell you where I want them.”    I did exactly what he asked and did not question his requests or logistical specifications.  The old man would hesitate when I would say – ‘Ok that’s done.  What’s next?’  He knew what he wanted but had to rely on me to make it happen.  Kind of like I was his experimental robot in early Artificial Intelligence. 

I always arrived on time but he always seemed to be waiting.  It’s not that I was late.  Perhaps it was that he was dependent upon me and my young vision that made him impatient.  Because he really didn’t want to need me.  He was old but pretty mobile.  It was usually early afternoon when we finished up.  As I put on my jacket he would say thanks, ask again to confirm some detail of the work I had done, and count out my pay in blue, five dollar bills.  I don’t think he liked paying me to compensate for his blindness but considering the situation I think he liked being the one in control of this interaction.  He knew all his bills were five dollars each.  He knew how many he had, in which pocket.  He would check his tactile watch to calculate the time and then separate out each of the bills one at a time.  The bills were in front of him but he would turn his head to the side and up a bit as he counted.  He would put the remaining blue bills back in the same pocket.  Count out my pay, ask me to confirm it was correct and send me on my way. 

Satisfaction is a life companion.  Sometimes we can feel no distance between our need for Satisfaction and daily life.  At other times, stages in life, we can be grasping at it like it was a feather blowing in the wind.  

If you don’t know what you want, you will probably get what you don’t want.  Which means you get what someone else wants.  That someone else can be a colleague, neighbour, sibling, parent, boss, client, religious mentor, YouTube star, salesperson, waiter, child or spouse. That someone may have altruistic reasons for including your efforts in getting what they want out of life.  Or they may be using you much like they use a hairdryer or lawnmower.  Unappreciative of how you work and angry when you don’t (because they didn’t take care of you). 

Whether your experiences of supporting someone else’s goals are fun or repulsive you can apply the learning points inward and find a few ways of injecting your daily life with direction.  Directing your thinking towards growing your success of getting what you want.  

Growing my success gives me a sense of satisfaction.  Satisfaction is universal in its need and uniquely individual in its expressions.  Our bodies function on satisfaction.  The Ego needs satisfaction.  We want satisfaction.  The soul generates Satisfaction.

We are responsible for our Personal Satisfaction.  Our spouse is not.  When life throws us a curveball we can’t take it out on our relationships (marriage, children, parents).  When life shows us we didn’t prepare enough for life challenges of making money, dealing with people or staying healthy it is wrong to make our spouse pay for it because we have reached our limit for stress.  We are responsible for our emotions.  

Yes your wife is asking (nagging) about what you had for lunch because she is worried about your weight so you don’t have a heart attack like your dad and then can’t work to support your family.   She doesn’t make you angry.  It is managing emotions that gets us into trouble.

Maybe what you already do gives you satisfaction. Sometimes it is to find simple satisfactions.  There is value in simple that can easily be overlooked when we feel we have a lot of stress and responsibility and not much wiggle room to come through with results.  As cheesy as it sounds it is useful to realize we are showing resilience by putting up with a bad manager at work; we are providing constancy by still driving that 11 year old smelly car; we are following through on commitments by keeping a roof over everyone’s head.   

We all want more money.  Driving a sporty new car with that new car smell can relieve deliver some Satisfaction in the competition of making money.  If it makes life easier then do the work to make the money to buy the car.  In the meantime find the satisfaction in the moment to share with your family while inside you know you want more.  You want better.  That’s your challenge.  Welcome to it.  Share the challenge.  Share the stress of the challenge.  Just don’t hit, insult, threaten or withhold from your loved ones when you share.  You love your family and are loved by your family.  In daily life it isn’t too easy to feel the love with all the arguments and emotions and misunderstandings. 

And when you get to your limit what do you do?  Does your spouse know what you are going to do?  What do you want to do when you get to your limit today or tomorrow of your patience or understanding, or feeling of being appreciated, or get to your limit of knowing how to express your love in trying economic times.  

Those are your limits.  Maybe not your spouse’s limits.  Maybe not your children’s limits.  Maybe those limits were put there a long time ago.  By a small boy who needed guidance to grow into a young man.  Or a young man who had trouble finding his confidence.  Now those limits are being faithfully adhered to by a middle aged man who is being nudged by some weird feeling in this stage in life but is limited by his own history.  Limited in his ability to ask (dumb) questions and deal with the response.  Limited in being vulnerable in front of his wife or children because he might cry or need help.  

Vulnerability is part of life.  Violence is not.  Being responsible to know our limits and find ways to manage them or possibly extend them is part of life.  Using guilt instead of honesty is not a part of living.  That is an act of diminishing what a man and woman are capable of being together.  Emotional agility is part of a man’s life in every stage.  When he is young he can laugh, cry, be sad and feel proud of himself.  When a man is middle aged and then an elder he has the same liberty.  Age is not a limit on emotional agility.  The rich cry.  The poor laugh.  The middle class feel sad.  It’s not about the money.  It’s about you and your response to life in the moment.  You are powered by the residue of previous successes in finding a path forward with dignity for all.  Your response petitions your spouse to bring her versatility to the situation.  You companion each other in success, challenge, failure and learning.

Why?  Because that is what you want. 

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If this was interesting then there are other posts on this blog that you may like:

https://wild-coach.com/2020/04/14/make-their-fulfillment-your-satisfaction/