The teachers knew that her home life was tempestuous. Occasionally no lunch to eat at lunchtime. Waiting outside the school for half an hour or hour every now and again for someone to pick her up.
She was 8. Her instinct told her it was wrong for her dad to smash her mother’s face in. Still she lived through the many years of lots of blood and stitches. At 18 years old she called the cops on her abusing father. He never hit her mother again; Even when he came back to the house to live. The damage was done.
My wife, who was the 8 year old girl with no lunch, is still traumatized. But, refusing to be a victim her proactive nature helps her as a mother raising our girls to know their abilities and responsibilities. They are to be responsible for their own income so they don’t have to put up with any garbage from the father of their children based on financial need. They are responsible for their own emotions. They can cook (clean – not so much). They have shown they can love and be loved. They want to love and be loved. And not just by their mom. They are realizing they have the abilities to start and run their own business.
We either want our children to replicate one of our childhood experiences when we feel it was an important ingredient in the good person part of us or we want to help them avoid like the plague a negative experience that has kept us from being happier. Happier and just overall better. Because had we been able to avoid that detrimental experience in our formation we might have been able to maintain our natural connection with the true trajectory of our life.
It’s painful for a parent to see when someone or some event deviates their child from their flourishing and self realization. It’s really painful when that someone is the daughter herself because she has low self esteem. Yet it’s more painful when the obstacle to a dynamic daughter is mama herself.
So a mother will, out of unselfish love, superimpose her Female Frixion onto her daughter thinking the same thing that screwed up her high school years will befall her daughter. This can mean mother’s care doesn’t allow her to listen to what is actually happening in her daughter’s life.
As for the daughter when does she become aware of the feeling of the frixion? She is just learning about the nastiness that life can throw at a woman. Mom knows too well the variety, degree and damage of the nastiness.
The daughter is intensely living the adventure/romance aspect of life. She juggles some career preparation (school) and is being heavily influenced by the mothering vignettes she absorbs.
Mom is feeling the reality of the Female Frixion and wants her daughter’s life to have better everything: Better romantic life, better career path, a better mother experience than hers. Mom’s intention is sincere but quite difficult to accept by a daughter whose focus is feeling her emotions in the moment. Cue the screaming, insults and slamming bedroom doors followed by 🤬.
It is vital a mother participates in her daughter’s understanding of the Female frixion. It is equally important that it be understood by all (mom, daughter, dad, brother, boyfriend, grandma) that the daughter’s version and expression of the Female Frixion will be unique. Therefore different to mom’s. Likely messy and frightening(for mom). Still equally as valid as mom’s.
Mom and daughter will have different ratios of the 3 roles, different timings of each role flourishing, varying resources to stick handle the friction at work and home.
Maybe the daughter has children. Maybe not. Maybe she gets married. Maybe not. Maybe she runs her own business. Maybe not.
A daughter needs her mother.
Daughters need to listen to mothers.
Daughters need to hear from their mother about the Female Frixion. What it is, how to deal with it internally and how to communicate it.
Can mothers use their beautiful-potent-mother-love with finesse so their daughter’s development is not the sequel of their mother’s childhood longings and life traumas?